- I'm Shane Topp.
and today I have agreed to sit down
and interview several of my exes.
I haven't talked to a lot of them
since the breakups.
I think some were on good terms.
Some not.
Uh, so we'll see how this is going to go.
It's good to see you again.
- Keisha
- Keisha, yeah
- So you brought the shoes.
- I brought all the issues.
(muffled laughter)
Oh, let me turn this around.
I heard you like blondes better.
- Hi
- The last time we saw each other,
you left me at a bus station in Atlantic City.
- Yeah.
(sigh)
- Hi, uhh
- Hey, you look good.
- Thanks.
- Something happened with your ankle?
- Uh yeah I broke it.
- Yeah, I can tell.
- Oh hi.
- Hi, I'm sorry you couldn't make it here in person.
- I'm not,
I'm glad I'm not in the same room as you, Shane.
- For the camera,
Your name?
- Matthew Scott Montgomery.
- Yeah.
What initially attracted you to me?
- It was your Caucasian skin.
Once you go white, your credit get right, so.
(laughing)
- The way you sleep.
- Okay.
- Eyes open.
- Oh, I see.
I didn't realize I see with my eyes open.
- I have 3 Million pictures.
- That's quite a bit.
- Because I'm sitting at a 300,
and you were at a 250,
so I should have just
stuck to my own race.
- Well, first you interviewed me
on that like Smosh news show. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
- What was it, G.D.F.N.? - [Shane Topp] Oh right.
Go dick someone down.
- The god damn (beep) news.
- God damn (beep) news.
Got it, yeah that was when you like,
you interviewed me,
I was like "damn this guy must be relevant."
And then as soon as you opened your mouth,
I was like "damn this guy gives me serious peg me energy",
(muffled laughter)
so, y'know.
- Yeah, I've heard that before.
- Oh wow.
What initially attractive me to you was
your sense of humor,
but oh,
how quickly did the laughs
turn to screams
and then yawns.
(laughing)
- What?
So what was our first date like?
Remind me about our first date
- You know, to be honest or date was incredible.
- Yeah
- You opened the doors for me.
Car door, restaurant door,
pulled out me seat.
So you're a gentleman.
I'm not going to like,
put you down all the way,
but you deserve
to be six feet under.
- Oh, um.
- You took me to the forbidden city of Atlantis.
- Atlantis?
- Yes.
- What kind of food did they have there again?
- Um,
Hot dogs.
- I think we went to Six Flags.
- You invited me over to
show me your origami collection.
I was actually really confused
because I thought you
originally had said Omarashi.
- What's Omarashi?
- You don't know what means?
- I don't- I don't know what that is.
- You should just look it up.
- Okay.
Omarashi.
is a form of fetish subculture,
which participants experience arousal
from having a full bladder
or wetting themselves
wearing a diaper.
- So you can imagine why I was so confused
when you showed me a bunch of folded up paper,
I was like, uh?
- You thought I was going to be wearing a diaper.
- I was down.
Hey, don't be embarrassed.
- Right.
- I mean, you should've been
embarrassed about the origami. It was like, kind of weird.
- Here's what Shane did on our first date.
He took me to
a dirty, old bridge downtown
where he introduced me
to a troll
named Janice.
And we had to solve Janice's riddles,
so we could cross that bridge.
But we didn't get any of them right,
Did we Shane?
So the sun came up, and you said,
can I take you to breakfast?
I said,
no, take me home.
Some date.
(laughing)
- Why did we break up again?
- Because you're inconsiderate, ass(beep).
- Like, all I asked
was for you to take me across the country to Florida.
So I could change the channel
for my mother.
- You wanted me to drive three days
to help your mom change the TV channel?
- A real man would.
- You would like,
make really weird noises when you were sleeping.
I actually recorded it one night.
Hold on.
I sent it to all my friends.
Bryce Hall has it as his text tone.
Hold on.
(recorded screaming)
- Why did we break up, Shane?
Let me remind you of a little morning, okay?
After we 'made love' and
I went into the kitchen to make your
favorite breakfast of beans and toast,
and I stubbed my toe and
you didn't even ask
if I was okay.
So I walked out of that apartment and I walked straight home
and we were through,
I was completely naked and it was embarrassing.
- I didn't know that you stubbed your toe.
- Oh, a likely story, Shane.
- How far did you walk?
- I walked 17 miles, Shane.
Nude.
- What's my worst quality?
- Lying to me.
Saying that you loved me.
What about all the sweet nothings
you use to whisper in my ear
while I was sitting on the toilet,
taking my massive (bleep)
You would kneel next to the toilet as
I'm taking my huge (bleep)
And you would whisper in my ear saying,
I love you, Chosen.
- Cause It would..help you?
- Yes.
- Could you (bleep) if I wasn't doing that?
- I haven't (bleep) in seven years.
- Your worst quality.
Think it would have to be
you leave the toilet seat um up.
- Oh okay.
- Like, I've had swamp ass the whole time.
I fell in the water a few times.
- So you would fall into the toilet?
- I told you to put the seat down, Shane, damn.
- Wait, your best quality or your..?
- My worst quality.
- Oh, your ass.
- Oh, okay.
- What's my best quality?
- Your ass.
- How so?
- You know.
- Okay?
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
- I would say Shane,
your worst quality is that after someone makes love to you
and then they leave your room and they stubbed their toe.
You don't ask if they're okay.
- Fair.
- I'm just getting comfortable.
- What did you learn from dating me?
- That I should've stuck to black men.
- BYOB, obviously, bring your own butt plug.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
But actually BYOS, bring your own strap on, oh,
BYOC bring your own cock.
- Well the big thing that I took away from dating you
is that if you make love to somebody and then
they leave the room and stubbed their toe,
you ask them if they're okay.
Not that hard, being kind is easy.
And it's also free.
- Oh, B.Y.O.V.
bring your own.
- Vibrator.
- Vacuum. My God.
You never swept your place was disgusting.
- Describe what it was like to kiss me.
- Every time we had like tongue action,
you would like, moo like a cow.
- You ever just list- sit in a dark room and just play
construction sounds?
- No.
- Jack hammering?
- No
- That is what it's like kissing you.
- I felt like I was like kissing like a heifer.
It was very weird.
- Describe what it was like to kiss me.
(recorded screaming sound)
- Where did you, what is that from?
- That's your ass
- Kissing you was like kissing a dusty old mannequin.
And after we kissed your dry, dry lips,
crumbled and fell to the ground and I have to take a dust
pan and a broom. And I would pick up those crumbly,
dirty mannequin bits.
And then I placed them back in your mannequin face because.
- So not good?
- It was pretty dry.
- Did you ever cheat on me?
- I only cheated on you every day that we were together.
(muffled laughter)
- Oh my God. Yeah.
Constantly cheating. Always cheating.
Live, laugh. Cheat.
- That's not the same.
- Yes.
- You did?
- Does it hurt?
- A little bit. Yeah.
- When you fell from Heaven?
- What?
(laughing)
- Is it really cheating?
If like I'm not breaking any rules of the game that
like I'm playing.
- What game are you playing?
- Just get dick or pussy anywhere I can.
(muffled laughter)
- Absolutely. The whole time.
You know, women usually don't get caught,
but since I'm caught,
I guess I should tell you who.
it was your cousin, Tony.
- Oh, Tony.
- The one that thinks he's black.
- Right? My cousin, Tony who thinks he's black.
Yeah.
- Brianna, if you had the last word, what would you say?
- I don't need the last word.
Because I am the last word,
because I know that every night,
I'm the last thing you think about.
And that's why you.
(recorded screaming sound)
(muffled laughter)
- If I had the last word with you, Shane, I would say, bye.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah, cause that'd be leaving that would be it.
- If you had the last word, what would you say?
- I'm pregnant.
- You're pregnant?
- Yes.
It is yours.
(laughing)
- If you had the last word, what would you say?
- I'm also pregnant.
- Oh, oh good.
- Might be Tony's.
- It might be Tony's?
- How about a hug? For old time's sake.
- Okay.
- I'm pregnant.
- Good to-- Good to see you, yeah.
- Hope you have a good life.
- Thanks.
Yeah. Thank you for talking to me.
Matthew Scott.
I hope you're doing well.
- I'm in a cabin right now.
I'm with a boy that I made beans and toast for this morning
and he's been real attentive, so
- That's good.
Well, you deserve that.
- Thanks.
How are your lips?
- They don't feel dry.
- That's good. Burt's bees.
(laughing)
- What the (bleep)?
What the (bleep)?
Alright. Well um, I feel like I learned a lot.
I hope you did too. Those are my real exes.
I really dated those people. This is 100% real, not a joke,
but let us know who you want to sit in this chair next and
interview their exes.
Someone else should deal with this.
Who's not me.