- Last week I talked about
the importance of having a relationship roadmap
and today I wanna talk about why it's important
to have both relationship goals and personal goals
if you want to have a long-term relationship
that is both stable and exciting.
I'm talking about goals
that you set together with your partner,
not like #relationshipgoals.
But first, hey there, if you don't already know me,
my name is Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator, and certified relationship coach,
and I help gay and bi-guys
build thriving relationships on our own terms.
If you're new here, subscribe for new videos
on communication and conflict,
sex and dating, relationship possibilities,
and so much more, most Wednesday afternoons,
it's been three weeks in a row,
how exciting is that?
We all want to belong, to be loved, to be seen,
that's a basic human instinct.
We want to be a part of something.
We want to be an us, and a we.
Relationship goals can help
bring you and your boyfriend,
or your husband closer together
and they can strengthen your relationship.
In any relationship there are two forces
that pull on us, togetherness and individuality.
Shared relationship goals
feed that first impulse of togetherness.
When you work on a goal together with your partner
it pulls you closer together,
but it's also important to be your own person,
to be in control, and be seen and accepted for who you are
and for what you want to do.
This pull towards individuality can be a barrier
to long-term relationships for some guys.
If you get too close, too connected, too intertwined,
it becomes overwhelming and scary and,
(hands smacking)
they're out.
But it's not just individuality that can be a barrier,
that pull towards togetherness
can also be a stumbling block
for thriving long-term relationships.
We become so concerned about getting closer together
and not wanting to lose each other
that we lose track of ourselves
and in the process we lose track of someone
for each other to be attracted to
and in a relationship with.
Neither is healthy.
Differentiation is all about being able
to maintain both at the same time.
Think about what is exciting
about falling in love with someone,
the thrill of the uncertainty of where it will go,
getting to know more and more and more
about the other person, growing closer together.
The satisfaction of turning what could be into what is.
The process getting to know someone,
forming a connection, falling in love,
and growing closer together in a relationship
as kind of like two electrically-charged plates
moving closer and closer together.
At some point you start to get a spark
jumping across the two of them,
and the closer the plates get together
the more the intensity of the sparks
jumping across those plates get until they're so close
that there's no more spark anymore,
there's no more space for that charge to jump across.
And that is something that can happen
in long-term relationships,
you lose the spark because you're so close together.
Listen, lesbian bed death is not just for lesbians.
So many of my gay male clients
see a decrease in their sexual connection
in long-term relationships
until they take action to do something about it.
So this is why it's important to have
both relationship goals and personal goals.
Those shared relationship goals,
like becoming boyfriends one day,
planning a vacation together,
saving up for a house, things like that,
those are ways to continue moving
closer and closer together
even when you've been together with someone
for a really long time.
It creates momentum forward and it's a way
of continually pulling each other closer together.
And then personal goals,
whether those are professional, fitness, volunteer,
spiritual, those become sort of scaffolding
that you can put up in your relationship
to keep yourselves from collapsing
into an undifferentiated blob.
It's kind of like putting a pole in-between those two plates
so that it keeps space for the spark to jump across.
Obviously personal goals are important
in and of themselves.
They're good for you just because they're good for you,
but as it turns out they're also good for your relationship
so you have a double whammy of a bonus there.
So how do you set personal and relationship goals?
First up, take some time to reflect on
what is important and exciting to you.
If you aren't sure, or you don't know,
this is an opportunity to do some experimenting,
try a bunch of different things.
Join a sports league, join a cooking club,
start going to a film night,
get back in contact with friends
that you've been letting slip and slide
because you've been in a relationship.
Then write them down and share them with your partner
so the two of you are on the same page
and know what is important to you in your lives.
You might have some overlaps in your interests
and therefore in your goals,
but it's important to have things
that are just for you that you do
either entirely by yourself without anyone else,
or you do with friends that don't involve your partner,
so that you have time apart
so that you have something to reconnect over.
And then set aside some time with your partner
to figure out what is important and exciting
for the two of you together as a relationship,
make a plan for those too,
write it down and then make time
to actually work towards making that happen.
Working together towards a shared vision,
and developing healthier relationship habits,
is just one part of the relationship program
for gay and bi-guys.
So, if you think you might be interested in that
head on over to briangerald.com/apply
to schedule a time for a free call
so we can talk about your relationship, your goals,
and your challenges.
All of the relationship advice is worth nothing
if you don't actually take action.
So if you do nothing else today, set aside 15 minutes
and actually write down goals for you
and for your relationship,
you are absolutely worth it.
If you're not sure where to start with your goal setting
I have become a big fan of setting sexual resolutions.
You can watch this video right here
for the why and the how of how to get started.
And remember, if you'd like some extra support,
I'm here for you.
See you over there.
Bye for now.