Social media is really a narcissistic place,
which is why it's so popular with teens and Donald Trump,
so it's no surprise that last week Facebook, Twitter,
and Instagram were flooded with selfies warped by the FaceApp,
the software that can make you look older, younger,
swap your gender, and you can even make you smile.
Look at what @kept_simple did
with this image from the Great Depression.
(audience exclaiming)
What a...
What a, what a wonderfully respectful thing to do.
"History doesn't have to be so depressing," it wrote.
Yeah. Nothing depressing about a face-scanning app
that twists reality, so, comedians,
I'm gonna show you a pic that has been FaceApped,
and for 250 points I want you to answer a question about it.
First up,
although President currently looks like a jaundiced toe,
FaceApp shows us an alternate future where he is a young stud.
(laughter)
Oh, huh?
What's the name of hot Trump's teen drama?
Mary Lynn.
Josie and the Grab 'Em by the Pussycats.
Very well done!
Mary Lynn, points.
(cheering and applause)
Next, grouchy old man
and Patriots coach Bill Belichick here
was turned back into a little boy.
(laughter)
Tell us a fact about--
I can't tell which one's which.
Uh, tell us a fact about baby Belichick.
Dave.
He's actually a 36-year-old lesbian named Jan.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
Mary Lynn.
He calls what he does in his diaper "the browns."
HARDWICK: Yes, points. Very good, very good.
(cheering and applause)
Next one, @lindsaygoldwert
tweeted what the GOP would look like as women.
And, uh-- but I think our favorite selfie
was maybe Lady Steve Bannon right there.
That's Lady Steve Bannon.
What's her political platform?
Dave.
Still a Nazi, only this time with sensible shoes.
HARDWICK: All right, points.
Mary Lynn.
Tax breaks for the wealthy
and anyone who can teach her how Facebook works.
HARDWICK: Ah, very good.
Very good, points.
(applause)
Next. Lady Liberty is giddy.
E...
Why is the Statue of Liberty so pleased?
Hari.
She's excited that Donald Trump
is about to deport her home to France.
HARDWICK: Ah. Points.
Very good.
Dave Hill.
She's got, like, 80 guys in her right now.
-Who's... ? -(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
HARDWICK: Well done on that.
All right, all right, there you go.
Mary Lynn.
If there's a government shutdown,
she'll finally get a vacation.
-HARDWICK: Yeah, you guys. -She's smiling,
-'cause she's having a good vacation. -Where should we go?
-HILL: That's good. -A vacation with 80 guys
-up in her, am I right? -HARDWICK: Yeah, Mary Lynn.
-Yes, yeah. -(whooping)
Crank it up.
Okay. We're doing that one more time there.
Great. Yeah, pump it out, pump it out, Mary Lynn.
Oh, man.
And, uh, finally, I, of course, tried FaceApp,
and, uh, now I know I'm a hot as (bleep) girl.
-Like, I am so (bleep). -(cheering and applause)
I mean...
(cheering continues)
You know you want some of that.
-You're Kristin Bell? -I'm Kristin Bell.
(laughter)
Now I know what I'm gonna look like when I get old, too.
There's old me.
I'll still be hosting 30 shows.
So, comedians...
What is it--
"Welcome to Talking Almost Dead."
What's a show old Hardwick will host? Mary Lynn.
Shingled Out.
HARDWICK: Hey! Very good, points.
(cheering and applause)
Dave.
Talking Chris Not-So-Hardwick.
-Yeah, points. -Who's... who's with me?
It happens.
Uh, Hari.
-@4:00pm. -Yes, points.
Very good.
These are all true.