All right.
Before we do anything else, I heard
about a website called Cameo and so it lets you pay celebrities
and they'll record whatever you want.
Have you heard about this?
I figured why am I doing all the work when I can pay
some celebrities help me out.
So with that in mind, here's a short video
to watch while Twitch catches his breath.
And here is a short video to watch while tWitch
catches his breath.
[MUSIC - MILEY CYRUS, "WRECKING BALL"] I came in like
a wrecking ball.
[LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
Thanks, Tommy Lee.
That was Tommy Lee.
tWitch, now that you've caught your breath
I want to ask you something.
Have you ever gotten a text from a wrong number?
I have, yes.
And what do you say?
I'm just like, I don't think this was meant for me.
Yeah.
And then they say, sorry.
They're sorry.
Yeah, whatever.
It turns out some people respond to wrong numbers which
leads to some interesting conversations.
I'm going to show you some.
It's a new segment called, Wrong Number, Who Dis?
[LAUGHING]
Until we know that it works, we're not giving it any music.
[LAUGHING]
We've decided we're going to test out in segments before we
waste time on music.
[LAUGHING]
If it works, we'll add music later.
We're trying to save money around here.
[LAUGHING]
All right, here's the first one.
Did you smoke some of my weed?
Just wondering.
Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
Don't know you.
Hey, did you smoke some of my weed?
Wrong number.
My bad.
Got high, forgot I texted you already.
[LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]
Here's another one.
My mom wants you to call her.
Who's this?
Andrea.
Wrong number and you got me in an unnecessary 30 minute
conversation with my mother, so thank you for that.
[LAUGHING]
Here's one more.
Dude, are you ready to party?
Who's this?
Oh, sorry.
Wrong number.
Bye.
But I want to party.
[LAUGHING]
If you get a text from a wrong number
you think I should see, please send it to me.
Now, I'm going to need a little help from Cameo
to transition into this next bit.
Take it away.
All right.
So when Ellen's not looking at funny text
messages her viewers sent in, she's
feuding with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Oh, my god.
All right.
That's right, Snooki.
I do have a feud with The Rock.
And I just saw that he has an Under Armor commercial.
He's constantly copying me, everything I do.
So here's his Under Armor commercial.
I knew one thing.
When your back's against the wall,
the only way out is to put the work in.
All right.
And once again, he stole my idea because I already
had an Under Armor commercial.
This is mine from a long time ago.
However you choose to live your life,
just try to enjoy it as much as you can.
Fill yourself with joy, not the dish washing liquid.
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
I needed another transition Cameo.
But before we go on break, there's
one more thing Ellen would like to mention.
Go ahead, Ellen.
OK, Carson.
I do have one more thing I want to mention.
It's time for my segment What's Wrong With These Signs Signs.
(SINGING) Signs, signs, everywhere a sign.
Blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind.
Do this, don't do that.
Can't you read the sign?
Thank you Lance.
That was beautiful.
I appreciate it.
This is from Jennifer in British Columbia.
I saw this on Facebook and I had to send it to you.
Sign not in use.
[LAUGHING]
It seems to be working.
[LAUGHING]
This is from Angela in Mulvane, Kansas.
Saw this and thought of Ellen.
Shoplifters will be prostituted.
[LAUGHING]
Don't threaten me with a good time.
[LAUGHING]
This is from Christine in Chagrin Falls, Ohio.
We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Florida
and this was their menu.
Wing box, one boob, two boobs, three boobs.
[LAUGHING]
It's like a dirty Dr. Seuss book or something.
[LAUGHING]
Coincidentally, that's the same thing
that's on the menu at The Naked Restaurant in Paris.
[LAUGHING]
If you see a sign you think I should see, please send it
to me.
Now, we're going to go to commercial.
Take it away, Kevin from The Office.
When we come back, Ellen will welcome Debra Messing.
Nice.