In between bouts of pirate-talk and rocking out to the pirate-themed metal band Alestorm…
or Lazy Town, whatever's more your speed... you may have wondered what life would've been
like if you actually were a pirate.
As it turns out, your life on the seas would've been drastically different from the one seen
in movies like Treasure Island and Pirates of the Caribbean.
"This is gonna be the new look for the 90's.
You're going to be the first pirate."
"But I don't wanna be a pirate!"
Good choice.
Being a real pirate was rough with a capital ARRRR.
Can't believe I just said that...
"Are ya ready kids?"
Going overboard
When you think of pirate brutality, you probably run with sword fights, plank-walking, and
the Boo Box.
But the truth is, if you wanted to be a successful pirate, you needed to be brutal, ruthless,
merciless, and violent beyond even the goriest of horror films.
Actual pirates used something called "keel hauling," where they'd tie a prisoner to the
ship, throw them overboard, and set sail as the victim was dragged along through the water.
They would either drown or get battered to death by the boat itself — if Captain Hook
had thought about that, Peter Pan probably would've been finished long ago.
The famed pirate Blackbeard hacked off women's fingers if they wouldn't give up their rings.
And one story speaks of a pirate trying to get information about nearby treasure from
a couple captives.
He tortured them by tying each to a tree.
He then carved out one of their hearts, and forced the other victim to eat it.
If Johnny Depp needs inspiration for Pirates 6, that's a fine start.
There's no ARRR in pirate
(stop making me say this, please) Even the most casual pirate aficionado knows to growl...
"ARR" ...after basically every sentence.
It's the universal pirate lingo.
But it's actually entirely a Hollywood invention.
The number of actual pirates who growled ARRRRRRR is almost certainly zero.
It wasn't really a pirate thing until a 1930s, '40s and '50s.
"He's got purch.
Image took the king's pardon for piracy.
Slit the rest of his gullet, I said."
"ARR leave him on the table."
In reality, pirates not only didn't growl that, they didn't even talk like "pirates."
They came from all over the world, and — just like us today — that meant all sorts of
different dialects, accents, slang, and languages littered the Seven Seas.
"I talk like a pirate."
"I talk like a pirate"
"wherever I go."
Patching the truth
No pirate costume is complete without an eyepatch.
It shows that you're hardcore and have probably been through some stuff, like a nice hook
to the eyeball.
But unlike some other pirate stereotypes, there's actually truth to this one.
Many pirates did indeed wear eyepatches, but probably for more mundane, practical motives,
like navigating in the dark.
Because the human eye has difficulty adjusting to sudden darkness, a smart pirate might wear
a patch over one eye, so it would be adjusted to darkness and he could easily swap the patch
over when he ran from the bright sunny deck up top to the dank pitch black underbelly
of the ship.
No pleasure cruise
Movies and TV portray the pirate life as one big party, which was kinda true, except the
party was run by the worst, most disorganized, most disgusting frat ever.
"You guys up for a toga party?"
"Toga Toga!"
Pirate ships had basically nothing in the way of comforts or luxuries.
There were no fans, no ice, no toilets, no refrigeration — basically nothing that would
make life comfortable in any way.
You were stuck on a creaky, crowded ship, with nothing to make you smile — except,
that is, the prospect of actually leaving the ship someday.
Or perhaps some incredible pirate jokes:
What's a pirate's favorite fruits?
Banannarrrrrrrrrrrrrs!
The lack of refrigeration caused meat and vegetables to spoil extremely fast.
Beans and flour could rapidly get moldy too, because ship conditions were perpetually wet.
Fortunately alcohol didn't spoil, so they typically guzzled rum in place of water.
They weren't getting drunk because "yo ho ho it's a pirate's life for them" — they
did it because it was either that or death from dehydration.
"But why is the rum gone."
Getting the goods
When fictional pirates go a-plundering, it's almost always for gold, jewelry, or some other
form of priceless, shiny treasure.
But what was priceless to real pirates was more akin to the stuff you'd put on your grocery
list.
Survival was the pirate's main game.
So while they certainly wouldn't say no to priceless treasure, more often their preferred
prizes were more practical, everyday items like soap, candles, or utensils.
"The best bit… about being a pirate….
Is…
Ham Night!"
"Yay!"
Shopping Blackbeard Friday
Rather than taking the time to bury priceless goods under a giant X, real pirates who came
across gold or silver spent every last penny and doubloon as quickly as they could on all
the goods, food, alcohol, and women they could afford.
Since the scurvy sea-outlaw life carried the risk of death behind every wave, it made absolutely
no sense to bury your booty and go back for it later.
Chances were good there'd likely be no later.
And if you didn't use your money to buy what you needed to survive, there'd definitely
be no later.
Company stocks
We tend to think of piracy as not so much a career, but just a thing pirates did until
they died.
But there's ample evidence that for many people, piracy was a legitimate career.
Captains were voted on like we might vote for president, and they also worked together
to delegate responsibilities among the other crew members.
To provide incentive for everybody to do their job, each pirate basically became an equal
partner in the ship, and could receive bonuses based on their performances in the latest
violent raid.
Many ships even included a workman's comp program — that way, if you wound up hurt
enough that you'd legitimately need a peg leg, you'd be taken care of financially and
could afford the good wood.
Bird is the word
Some pirate stereotypes are true, like the parrot thing.
While not every captain came equipped with a squawking bird on his shoulder, a good chunk
of them did, but not purely for aesthetic, look-at-me-I'm-a-pirate reasons.
Like everything else a real pirate did, owning a parrot was more about the fact that a parrot
took up less space and resources than a Saint Bernard or a pony.
Dogs were typically out of the question, as they were more of a aristocratic thing at
the time.
Cats were okay, because they were small and could catch mice, but good luck getting the
typical cat anywhere near a wet ship surrounded by water.
Plus, pirates were exotic and wanted cool, exotic pets too.
Just watch out around sharks.
Working for the man
For many, the appeal of being a pirate is that you're an outlaw.
But if a pirate was good enough at their job, legitimate and supposedly law-abiding governments
might actually hire them to attack enemy ships … basically making them hitmen.
Captain Henry Morgan — yes that one — was a particularly excellent privateer, attacking
Spanish posts throughout the Americas and becoming one of the New World's first truly
feared characters.
You know you're good at being bad when the government pays you to do it.
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