- I know what it takes to be here.
I know a lot of people have to fly.
Who flew to get here?
[people cheer]
All right, so if you've been on a plane--
the people who didn't fly here, I assume you've been on a plane.
Yes.
There are rules to follow.
You have to put your tray, your table,
in the upright position, you have to buckle up,
and you have to not scream when the toilet flushes.
That is a loud-- Oh, my God.
Even when you're expecting it, does it--
It startles you. You just--
You're all ready to go out.
Oh, God.
God, why does it have to be so loud?
And how fast does it have to go to--
Never mind. Anyway...
And of course the other rule, that everyone is allowed
to only carry one item, one carry-on,
but every flight, people try to cheat.
They stack, like, eight pieces of luggage together,
pretend like it's one.
Just 'cause it's bungee-corded up,
it doesn't mean it's one item.
That doesn't fool anybody
to strap all those thing together.
Then they have another carry-on, a baby, and...
[laughter]
That should count as one carry-on right there,
especially if it carries on the whole flight.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
And then there are the people who bring one item,
but it's gigantic.
You know those people?
And you know-- you're looking at it, going,
"You can't seriously think that's gonna fit in"--
Everyone knows the size of the overhead,
and they still try to make it fit.
They're moving other people's stuff around.
Don't my stuff around. It's--mine--
My stuff is up there.
And they try to just cram it in every which way.
They're putting it in sideways and longways
and putting Vaseline on it so it'll smoothly--
using all the Vaseline they can carry,
which is that much.
If it was me, I would only--
I would-- Here's what I would do,
one--one thing I would change with the boarding process.
People who pack the most reasonably board first.
I think that's only fair.
If you pack one neatly packed item...
[cheers and applause]
You go first.
If you look like a walking episode of "Hoarders,"
end of the line.
[laughter]
Make sure your baggage is stowed away,
'cause I'm dancing through the aisles right now.