- Hey, everybody.
It's finally Friday
and I'm so glad that it is.
This week, because it's my first full week
back after vacation, has just been, like, so much stuff.
So, I'm very glad that it's Friday
and I can sleep in tomorrow.
I love to sleep in.
That's, like, one of my favorite things.
Okay.
Enough about me.
Now, it's on to you.
So, since it's Friday, for any of you who are new,
welcome to our community,
and the way that this works is four days a week
I have FAQ videos on different parts of the web.
Like, Tuesday is Tumblr, Wednesday, website, YouTube,
Thursday, Twitter, Facebook, Friday.
It's kind of, you know,
we use a little bit of, what is it called?
Why can't I think of the word?
Alliteration, when you use the first letter.
Ba-ba-bum.
And they're all the same.
Facebook Friday.
So, today I have three questions,
as well as a journal topic from Bethany.
Thank you, Bethany, so much for that.
And, in the new year, I've also talked about
on my reflection video,
I'm trying to think of new ways to
make videos and to keep it interesting
and not do the same old, same old, same old,
'cuz it kinda (fart noise).
You know, for me, it gets repetitive
and I know, for many of you, you like it when I do things
that are a little different.
So, if you have any ideas of things that you'd like to see
or if, maybe we just do Monday videos
and then, I do another one more video a week
and we can cram other things into it or, I don't know.
Let me know what you think, below.
What would you like to see in 2015
as I start to kinda put together my plan for it?
So, anyway, first question, let's get going.
Hi, Kati, I don't know if you'll reply to this message,
well, I am, but I've seen your videos on YouTube
and I'm not sure if I'm experiencing transference.
Now, transference, for many of you who don't know,
pretty much anybody who's not in the therapy world
may not know the definition.
Transference is when we transfer onto our therapists
a relationship that we have previously had
or we're already having and we kind of
recreate that in therapy, okay?
So, like, if our therapist is a dude
and our dad was a jerk and we had a really bad relationship,
we'll try to kinda recreate that with our therapist,
and she said, I don't know if I'm experiencing transference,
but I feel attached to my psychiatrist
and I feel like I'm starting to rely on him.
I feel like I need more appointments with him.
I really hate feeling this way.
I don't know if I should mention it to him or not,
but I don't want it to get out of control
or turn into obsession.
I found a picture of him online
and now I keep looking at it.
I know it might sound really strange.
I don't find him attractive or anything like that,
I just feel attached and some kind of a connection.
Is this common to experience and should I tell him
at our next appointment?
Now, I wanted to talk about this
because I get a lot of questions around, like,
I need to see my therapist more, what do I do?
I feel really attached to my therapist.
And, it's very normal.
Often times, if our therapist is helping us
work through something that's been really difficult,
maybe abuse, maybe a really hard emotional time
that we're having, maybe it's a breakup.
It could be any number of things.
It could be working on re-mothering us
and helping us feel cared for.
It could be any number of things that your therapist
works with you on every week or twice a week,
and, when we're that vulnerable with someone,
it can make us, as the client, it can cause us
to feel really reliant on them and very connected
and, like, we need to see them more,
and we can have all of these feelings,
and that is very normal.
It's all part of the process,
and as you're feeling these things,
I would encourage you to bring it up with your therapist
so that they know what you're experiencing
so that they can help you best,
and then, you can talk about it and it's out there
and we can sort of change our patterns, right?
'Cuz, often times, in our past relationships,
we weren't as communicative or as open or vulnerable
as we are with our therapist,
so it can create a healthier relationship
by being honest and open.
Now, it can be, and I would encourage any of you--
I don't know if this is a scenario for them or for you,
but I'm just throwing it out there,
sometimes those of us who struggle with Borderline
Personality Disorder, really have a hard time with this
and we can feel really attached to our therapist
and it can be really hard for us to recognize
the relationship boundaries and we may feel,
sometimes, off put by the fact that we can't
see them all the time
and there can be that kind of feeling, too,
and that's very normal,
and I would also express that to your therapist,
and know that it may be one of the traits that's coming out
because, we know in Borderline, we worry about people
leaving us a lot and so, a therapist is a helpful person
in our life and we don't want to lose them
and so, we may fear so much that we're gonna lose them
that, you know, we struggle with that relationship.
So, it's very normal,
I would definitely mention it,
and I would also do some soul searching on your own
where you think about what that person means to you
and why do you feel so attached?
Is it because you've been vulnerable and open?
Is it because they're the only one that listens
to you right now?
I think it's important for all of us to understand
our attachments to people and why we have them.
It can help us have a little more,
I don't know, be softer with ourselves,
which I think is important for all of us.
If we recognize why, then we can kind of
be soft with ourselves and say, well,
that makes sense, you know.
I've been wanting that for a really long time, whatever.
And so, that can really help.
So, I would do those things.
But know that it's very normal.
Okay, question number two.
Now, this is a long question,
so I just shortened it to the top
and she asks, why are unhealthy coping skills so contagious?
I know this sounds like a stupid question.
And then, she goes one, she says, but I have a point.
She talks about how,
why do we go back to them
or why do we want, when we're in environments
where everybody's using unhealthy coping skills,
why do we wanna try to use more
or use the coping skills they're using,
or why do we want to use them over and over and over?
Why are they contagious?
Now, I wanna talk about this kind of like a timeline.
So, the first thing being
that when we struggle with something,
we may not have been taught or been shown
any healthy coping skills.
That being talk about it, journal about it,
talk to friends or family about it,
do arts and crafts, go for a walk,
play with the dog.
Our parents, in many ways, are responsible for demonstrating
healthy coping skills.
Now, this can be parents, grandparents,
aunts, uncles, pastors, preachers,
whoever is in our life, teachers even, best friends.
We can learn these through a lot of avenues,
but mostly, it's our primary caregiver
and if they're not showing us those,
we often find ourselves using unhealthy ones
that our brain figures out as a way for us
to get through what we're going through
and these things are contagious,
and I don't even think I'd use the word contagious,
but I kind of like that,
I've never thought of it that way,
but I always say, we always go back to it.
It's almost like a habit
because, and I talked about this before,
but our brain is very adaptable.
We are adaptable creatures
and our brain, think of it like a balloon filled with sand,
and I've given this analogy before,
if any of you have been with me for a long time,
you've heard this,
but every time something happens to us,
let's think of these as our two connectors, right?
Something happens and this marble rolls
in our little balloon of sand, over to this other thing,
which is what we do.
So, we feel stressed out, we drink alcohol.
We feel stressed out, we drink alcohol.
We keep doing it, and it could be we self-harm,
we stay at home and cry all night,
it could be any number of things,
any way that we cope unhealthily,
and this marble gets deeper and deeper into the sand.
The sand on the sides is all built up
and we've got this rut, right?
And so, it's really hard for us to get our marble
out of that rut and so, that's why when we try
new coping skills, we find our marble
inching towards that comfortable rut.
It's been running that rut for years
and knows what to expect from that rut.
And so, to get it out, we have to try a lot harder,
we have to try five things
and we used to only need one.
They won't feel as good as that one thing,
but we try five, we try ten things,
we try 20 things, and it can be really difficult,
but the more we push it out,
we're creating new healthy ruts that we want
and we want our marble to go into those.
Now, I know that analogy is a little, like, what?
But, it helps me understand because I'm a visual learner
and I like to picture that
and it helps remind me why we keep trying
to go back to these unhealthy coping skills
when we know better.
'Cuz it's not just about us knowing better,
we almost always know better, unless we're a child.
Once we're an adult and we've learned new things,
we know there's better options out there,
but we don't know how to get out of that rut
and that's why it helps to have the support
of a therapist, it helps to try new things,
and it helps to do it over and over and over
until we can get it out of there
and start a whole new, healthy rut, okay?
I hope that makes sense and helps.
Okay, question number three, let's get going
'cuz I'm taking a long time.
Hey, Kati, how do I stop being so attached
to my best friend?
A lot of attachment today.
It seems like I'm the only one who truly loves
and cares about the other in this friendship,
even though she says she loves me and cares about me, too.
I hate feeling like I'm the one who always loves more.
Now, I hear this from lots of you
that it's really a difficult thing for you in relationships
because you feel like you care more, you do more,
you sometimes won't even say no to them,
even if you're already busy,
you'll make sure you're there for them.
You'll go the extra mile.
And, while I understand that,
and we all hope to be and have
such great friends like that, right?
And, it's great to have a friend that you can
always count on, but I would encourage you
to assess a couple of things with me.
The first being, if that friend is not there for you
when you really need them,
then you may be investing a lot more
in the friendship than them and you may wanna scale back.
You may wanna consider, maybe I'm just too stressed out
this weekend and I can't go see them.
Normally, I would just say yes because I feel bad,
but what about me?
What's best for me?
I would ask you to take time to consider that.
To think about how you feel
because we can't be good in relationships
and actually help people and give them
what we want to give them,
if we're not giving that for ourselves
because, long term, we'll burn out and we get tired
and we get cranky and it's just too much.
So, I would ask you to assess that,
to think about that.
Second thing, I would also be curious
as to how many relationships this happens with in your life.
Is this almost all of your friendships?
Is this all of your romantic relationships?
Or, is this just this one person?
Because those are two very different things.
So, if this is just this one person,
I would just assess the relationship
and I would speak to your friend about it.
I would be honest.
The more we communicate, the better.
So, I would say things like,
I put a lot into this and I really love you
and I really care about you,
but sometimes, I just don't feel like it's reciprocated.
Is there anything we can do to help this out?
Or, I just want to talk to you about it,
and do it in a non-attacking way
so they feel like you can actually talk about it
and maybe they feel smothered,
maybe they didn't realize you felt that way.
We don't know until we ask.
So, I would start talking about it,
but the other thing, the second part
that I want to consider is that,
sometimes, if it's everybody,
like I said, if that's just one person in our life,
but if it's everybody in our life,
then we really have to assess ourselves.
We have to talk to our therapist about it.
It may be, I've had many of my patients
who have Borderline Personality Disorder,
feel this way a lot of the time,
like they're putting in all of the effort
and then, they get really mad and frustrated
and kind of lash out and will end the friendships
and so, we try to work with them
to understand how to communicate
and how to talk about our emotions,
realize our emotions, slow our response rate down
so that we can talk about it,
figure it out, and heal the friendship,
and actually make it stronger,
rather than just cutting it off.
So, I would consider those things,
whether it's just the one person and then,
I'd really work on that,
or if it's everybody, then we really need
to work on ourselves,
and I think that's something that, honestly,
I need to be reminded of in my life
and, I think, all of us do.
If something is happening to us in all our relationships,
if everybody's mad at us all the time,
we have to consider our part in it
because what do they all have in common?
Me.
A relationship with me.
But, if it's just one person,
then we really just need to communicate with that person,
we need to discuss it, and we can work it out.
So, I would just definitely talk to them,
be honest, and I have not doubt that this friend
will understand and you will work through it, okay?
I hope that helps.
If any of you've had this happen
and you have words of wisdom, let us know below, okay?
Now, the journal topic because this is getting really long.
I'm sorry.
Says, possible journal topic,
my favorite line in the movie, Into the Woods,
is, quote, let the moment go.
Don't forget it for a moment, though.
Just remembering that you had an and
when you're back to or, makes the or mean more
than it did before.
Oh, it's so rhyme-y and cute.
I like it.
It reminds me to think about the good moments in my life
when I'm having a hard time
and also, it reminds me to move on.
Now, rewind this back and listen to it again.
It's a really cool quote.
Thank you so much, Bethany, for that.
I love you all.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Sleep in, relax, and recharge,
and I'll see you on Monday. Bye.