FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS, COUNTRYMEN, WINNING TO THE LATE SHOW, I AM
YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY FRIDAY.
I HAVE GOT GREAT NEWS.
OUR GOVERNMENT CONTINUES TO EXIST.
BECAUSE THIS WEEK THE SENATE PASSED A SPENDING BILL THAT
WOULD KEEP THE GOVERNMENT OPEN UNTIL DECEMBER.
BUT NO ONE IS SURE IF TRUMP WILL SIGN IT ESPECIALLY SINCE HE
TWEETED, I WANT TO KNOW WHERE IS THE MONEY FOR BORDER SECURITY
AND THE WALL IN THIS RIDICULOUS SPENDING BILL, AND WHERE WILL IT
COME FROM AFTER THE MIDTERMS?
>> Stephen: I AM GOING TO GUESS NOT FROM MEXICO? THE ONLY
THING -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Stephen: THE ONLY THING TRUMP HAS BEEN ABLE TO BUILD SO
FAR ARE THE EIGHT WALL PROTOTYPES THAT WENT UP LAST
YEAR.
THEY ARE DIFFERENT SHAPES AND COLORS, THEY ARE LIKE ACCENT
WALLS.
BECAUSE THEY ARE TO KEEP OUT ANYONE WITH AN ACCENT.
>> OH, NOW!
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
>> THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
THE PRESIDENT LOVED THESE MINI WALLS WHEN HE VISITED THEM
EARLIER THIS YEAR.
>> I HAVE JUST COME FROM A TRIP TO THE BORDER WHERE I MET WITH
OUR WONDERFUL BORDER AGENTS, BORDER PATROL, AND THE ICE
AGENTS, UNBELIEVABLE PEOPLE, AND REVIEWED PROTOTYPES OF A NEW
PHYSICAL WALL THAT WILL PROTECT OUR BORDER AND PROTECT OUR
COUNTRY.
IT IS GOING TO BE VERY EFFECTIVE.
IT WILL BE 99.5 PERCENT SUCCESSFUL.
>> Stephen: IT TURNS OUT, HE WAS 100 PERCENT YANKING THAT OUT
OF HIS BUTT, BECAUSE A GOVERNMENT REPORT SHOWS THAT ALL
OF THE BORDER WALL DESIGNS CAN BE BROKEN, AND EVERY ONE OF THEM
WAS VULNERABLE TO AT LEAST ONE BREACHING TECHNIQUE, AND IN AT
LEAST ONE CASE CREWS WERE ABLE TO MAKE THE PROTOTYPE WALL
COMPLETELY UNSTABLE TO THE POINT OF COLLAPSE.
SO THE WALL FELL DOWN?
NOW WE KNOW THE CHANT FOR THE 2020 RALLIES.
REBUILD THE WALL!
PUT IT BACK UP!
MAYBE WITH SOME STRUTS OR DIG A DEEP MOAT OR SOMETHING!
TRUMP PUT SOME CROCODILES IN THE MOAT AND --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: FILL THE MOAT.
FILL THE MOAT WITH GASOLINE AND MAKE THE CROCODILES FLAME PROOF.
TRUMP SEEMS TO THINK THAT WALLS ARE THE SOLUTION TO EVERY
PROBLEM BECAUSE SPAIN'S FOREIGN MINISTER JUST REVEALED THAT
TRUMP URGED HIM TO BUILD A WALL ACROSS THE SAHARA.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: THE SAHARA DESERT, THE LARGEST DESERT IN THE WORLD,
YOU CAN'T CONSTRUCT A WALL IN THE DESERT.
BUILDING SOMETHING ON STAND IS LITERALLY THE METAPHOR FOR
INSTABILITY.
AFTER YOU BUILD THE WALL ON SAND, YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF A
BEAUTIFUL "HOUSE OF CARDS" TO LIVE IN.
MAYBE THE CARDS, THINK ABOUT THIS, MAYBE THE CARDS COULD BE
MADE OF GLASS AND KEEP YOUR STONE COLLECTION IN THERE.
DOES HE REALLY THINK -- DOES OUR PRESIDENT --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Stephen: HUGE, HUGE FANS OF
METAPHOR HERE TONIGHT.
DOES OUR PRESIDENT REALLY THINK PEOPLE WHO TRUDGE THROUGH
1,000 MILES OF THE MOST BRUTAL DESERT ON THE PLANET WILL GO,
WAIT, THERE'S A WALL.
DARN IT, OKAY.
THE LET'S GO BACK.