YOU KNOW, FOLKS, THIS IS ONLY
NIGHT TWO, BUT I HAVE TO TELL
YOU, I'M SO PROUD TO BE ON CBS.
THIS IS NETWORK TELEVISION, THE
BIG LEAGUES.
I HAVE MILLIONS MORE VIEWERS
NOW.
DONNIE, DEBBIE, JEREMY,
DARNELL-- I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
NAME THEM ALL.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
AND, FOLKS, WITH GREAT JOB COMES
GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
I KNOW PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE
LOOKING TO ME FOR STRONG
LEADERSHIP, AND THAT IS WHAT I
WILL PROVIDE.
FOR ONE HOUR A NIGHT, FIVE
NIGHTS A WEEK
UNLESS FOOTBALL RUNS LONG.
THAT'S A PROMISE.
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, NATURALLY, I KNOW YOU'RE
SAYING SOME OF YOU FEAR THAT
I'LL BE CORRUPTED BY MY NEWFOUND
AUTHORITY, SO LET ME ASSURE YOU,
YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PROVE
IT.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE POINT IS, WITH MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE WATCHING US EACH NIGHT,
TALK SHOW HOSTS ARE THE LEADERS
OF OUR TIME.
WE ARE TO THE 21st CENTURY WHAT
CAESAR, NAPOLEON OR GENGHIS KHAN
WERE TO CENTURIES PAST.
OF COURSE, OUR JOBS ARE HARDER.
THOSE GUYS NEVER HAD TO COMPETE
WITH ADULT SWIM.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING I'M A MODERN
DAY GENGHIS KHAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE EVERYTHING I SAY
IS ABSOLUTE LAW TO BE OBEYED
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, I'M WEARING A
BIG FURRY HAT.
( BAND PLAYS MARTIAL MUSIC )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW THAT THIS HAT IS ON MY HEAD,
I AM ENDOWED WITH UNCONDITIONAL
POWER!
THIS IS DUE TO ITS MAIN
ATTRIBUTES-- ITS BIGNESS AND ITS
FURRINESS.
ANY PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE WEARING
IT ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( LOW DRUM ROLL )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HEREBY DECREE THAT ZOOLOGISTS
WILL STOP CORRECTING US WHEN WE
REFER TO CHIMPANZEES AS MONKEYS.
THEY EAT BANANAS, THEY ARE
MONKEYS.
( LAUGHTER )
LET IT BE PROCLAIMED FROM THIS
DAY FORWARD, NO ONE IS NOT
REQUIRED TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO
EVERY SINGLE ACQUAINTANCE BEFORE
LEAVING A PARTY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I PROMISE, JUST LEAVE.
NOBODY WILL THINK YOU WERE
ABDUCTED.
IF YOU WON AN OSCAR AND HAVE NOT
APPEARED IN ANOTHER
OSCAR-WINNING MOVIE IN TEN
YEARS, YOU MUST GIVE BACK YOUR
OSCAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN ADDITION, IF YOU HAVE MORE
THAN ONE OSCAR, YOU MUST GIVE ME
ONE OSCAR.
( LAUGHTER )
THOSE WHO ARE PLAYING GUITARS IN
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT STORES SHALL
CEASE PLAYING GUITARS IN MUSICAL
INSTRUMENT STORES.
WE GET IT, YOU KNOW THE INTRO TO
"WISH YOU WERE HERE" BY PINK
FLOYD.
DOGS SHALL BE CALLED CATS, CATS
SHALL BE CALLED DOGS, AND
NEITHER ANIMAL WILL NOTICE THE
DIFFERENCE.
STARBUCKS WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO
SELL CDs BY ARTISTS THAT SING
ABOUT COFFEE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE MAKERS OF I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT'S NOT BUTTER MUST ADMIT THAT
THEY KNEW DAMN WELL IT WAS NOT
BUTTER ALL ALONG.
IF SOMEONE GIVES YOU THE FINGER,
YOU GET TO KEEP THAT FINGER.
ANYONE WHO CALLS YOU "BRO" IS
NOW LEGALLY YOUR BROTHER AND,
THEREFORE, CAN NEVER MARRY YOUR
SISTER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
( APPLAUSE )
SIZE 32 WAIST IS WHATEVER I AM
WEARING!
ON A REALLY HOT DAY, ANYONE WHO
SAYS TO ANOTHER PERSON, "HOT
ENOUGH FOR YOU?" WILL
IMMEDIATELY BE SET ON FIRE.
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE SHALL RETURN WITH
SCARLETT JOHANSSON.