So, here are five patterns that can mess up your relationships.
ONE.
Checking off the boxes.
When you’re trying to decide on who to swipe left or right on does your inner monologue
happen to sound like this: “He doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor.
Yikes!
Swipe left,” or “She’s cute and I like that she has a dog,” or, “Eww, look at
his teeth.
No thanks.”
When it comes to dating, we all have our must-haves and our deal-breakers.
Knowing what you want and having standards is perfectly healthy.
You don’t want to get into a toxic relationship or end up with someone who doesn’t suit
you.
What could be wrong with making sure a potential partner checks off all the boxes?
Although your must-haves and deal-breakers help you figure out where to draw boundaries
and what you need, checking off the boxes can be self-sabotage to a relationship when
you get too rigid.
When you finally get your dream relationship, what do you think is going to happen?
Are you picturing the bad days, as well as the good?
Do you see yourself with someone who disagrees with you from time to time, or do you think
#couplesgoals involves being in constant sync with each other?
The reality is that a relationship involves two separate people, not you and a clone who
always does things the way you want them to.
TWO.
Making it all about you.
Think about your past relationships, or maybe the last fight you had in your current relationship.
Take a look at the following scenarios and see if you recognize your own behavior in
them: Most — if not all — of your time with your partner is spent doing things that
you like.
You go out of your way to make sure you are the one who ends every argument.
You manipulate all arguments to make sure your partner is the one who apologizes first,
even if you were in the wrong.
You use guilt or ultimatums to get your way.
No situation is completely black-and-white, but it might be time to honestly evaluate
your relationships if anything in that list sounds like you.
Making too many demands can have your partner question the relationship, make them feel
bad about it, or feel bad about themselves.
They might also just get fed up and leave.
Constantly demanding your way chips away at the relationship over time.
Research has shown that people who are self-centered tend to experience temporary happiness from
material and external things, but less authentic happiness overall.
Not only can selfishness make you unhappy, but it can also make you less attractive to
potential partners.
THREE.
Making it all about them.
Did you know that you can be too selfless in your relationship?
Do you recognize yourself and your behaviors in any of the following scenarios: You have
no problem eating cheap ramen meals for two months so that you can buy your significant
other that game they’ve been wanting.
When they ask you what you want, however, you have no idea what to tell them.
You happen to apologize for everything that makes your partner unhappy, even if it had
nothing to do with you.
No matter what they need, you are there for your partner.
They need help changing a tire at 3 AM?
You will be right there.
They need someone to listen and hold them close after a tough day?
You are instantly there to comfort them.
If you are trying to be everything for your partner, you’re probably exhausted, low
on funds, and your mental health has also taken a hit.
Researchers have found that codependency — or a relationship style that involves completely
sacrificing your needs for the happiness of another person — is strongly associated
with anxiety and depression.
This type of relationship isn’t sustainable for you or your overall health.
FOUR.
Allowing your ex to influence you.
Let’s play a quick word association game.
Ready?
The word is “ex.”
What was the first word or phrase that came to your mind?
Was it gold digger?
Evil troll?
The one that got away?
Great person, bad timing?
Now think of every relationship you have had since that ex.
How did your ex shape your future relationships?
Did you go out of your way to find someone like them, or did you do a complete 180 and
found someone who’s entirely different?
Or maybe that ex caused you to avoid relationships for a long time?
You might have kept ties to your ex for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes you have children together and need to co-parent.
Or maybe your ex started out as a coworker or part of a larger friend group.
Perhaps the relationship stands out because it was your first relationship or your most
toxic relationship.
Maybe you feel guilty or have a ton of questions about how it ended.
Whatever the case, allowing your ex to rent too much space in your head may be keeping
you from finding a healthy, long term relationship.
If you find that you compare everyone you date to your ex, or that you’re avoiding
making your current relationship exclusive because you're waiting for your ex to call,
then those are some signs that you haven’t quite moved on.
When you're stuck thinking about the past, you are less satisfied with your current relationships
and friendships, leading you to put less effort into those relationships.
FIVE.
Overlooking red flags.
All relationships involve give-and-take.
Part of that process is understanding when you need to let something go and when you
need to stand up for yourself.
A red flag is an issue that is too big to make the relationship work.
Where do your boundaries lie?
Which issues would you excuse?
Which issues would force you to show someone the door?
Figuring out what is a minor issue and what will not work for you is only half the battle.
You then have to decide what you want to do with the answers you get.
Refusing to look at major lingering issues between you and your partner creates toxicity
in the relationship.
Did you notice any of these relationship patterns in your past or current relationships?
Did this video open your eyes at all to the negative patterns that can pervade your relationships?
Tell us about your experiences in the comments below!
If you think this video helped you or you think it can help someone else, please like
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The studies and references used are listed in the description below.
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