>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
HELLO, LOUIS. HELLO, JOSEPH.
WHAT'S GOING ON? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I JUST WANT TO SAY, BEFORE WE GET STARTED HERE, I DON'T KNOW,
DID ANY OF YOU GUYS WATCH THE OSCARS LAST NIGHT?
I WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIEND JIMMY KIMMEL.
AMAZING JOB. >> Louis: HE HOSTED.
>> Stephen: MEAT AND POTATOES OSCAR, NOTHING FANCY.
LET THE STARS COME ON STAGE AND CRY.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE. I LIKE WATCHING THE PRETTY
PEOPLE CRY. THAT'S WHY I LIKE WATCHING THE
OSCARS. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
MOUNTING PRODUCTIONS OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS, DRESSING IT
IN THE MOST TOPICAL STORY COSTUMES WITH RICCARDO CHAILLY
CONDUCTING THE NEWSIEST GIACOMO PUCCINI SCORE, ALL SO I
CAN PRESENT THE EPIC TEATRO LA SCALA OPERA
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I AM DISGORGED
FROM THE BILGE OF A DISCOUNT CRUISE SHIP INTO THE SWASH
OF A WASTE TREATMENT PLANT, ASSEMBLE SOME CRUSTY STUFFED
ANIMALS THAT I'VE PRIED FROM THE FRONT GRILLE OF A GARBAGE TRUCK,
THEN MAKE THEM WATCH ME PULL A RAVENOUS POSSUM OUT OF
A SOILED WHITE CASTLE CRAVE CRATE IN THE RUMPLED CASTAWAY'S
MAGIC SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT,
"MEANWHILE." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PRESCRIPTION STRENGTH IS WHAT THAT IS.
THAT IS PRESCRIPTION STRENGTH. MEANWHILE, IN BOOZE NEWS,
RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THEY CAN QUICKLY SOBER UP
DRUNK MICE BY BOOSTING THEIR LEVELS OF A NATURALLY PRODUCED
HORMONE CALLED FGF21, WHICH INCREASES THE URGE IN MICE
TO DRINK WATER WHILE INTOXICATED AND COULD ACTIVELY SUPPRESS
THE DESIRE FOR ALCOHOL. IT ALSO MARKEDLY DECREASED
THE URGE IN MICE TO SCREAM THAT THEY WANT TO SING
THE LADY GAGA PART OF "SHALLOW." MEANWHILE, A NEW STUDY SAYS THAT
ABSTAINING FROM MASTURBATION RAISES YOUR RISK OF ANXIETY
AND DEPRESSION. THOUGH SCIENTISTS ALSO WARN THAT
FREQUENT MASTURBATION DOES ALSO INCREASE YOUR CHANCE OF
STROKE. [APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, OVER IN THE CANDY AISLE, WE'VE JUST LEARNED
THAT REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS ARE GOING VEGAN,
WITH THE NEW OPTION FEATURING CHOCOLATES MADE WITH OATS
INSTEAD OF MILK. WHEREAS MOUNDS BARS WILL STILL
BE MADE WITH MILK CHOCOLATE AND SHREDDED BATH MAT.
"MOUNDS: AT LEAST WE'RE NOT
NECCO WAFERS." MEANWHILE, IN CALIFORNIA LAST
WEEK, AT LEAST FIVE GOATS WERE SPOTTED RUNNING LOOSE
IN THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO, BUT THE ORIGINS OF THE ANIMALS
REMAIN A MYSTERY. MAYBE THEY ESCAPED FROM A FARM.
OR MAYBE THEY'RE IN TOWN FILMING THE LATEST
"FULL HOUSE" REBOOT. ♪ EVERYWHERE YOU ♪
BAH ♪ EVERYWHERE YOU ♪
BAHHH ♪ THERE'S A BAAHHH
♪ THERE'S A HAND TO HOLD ♪ BAH, BAH ♪
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GO FROM
THERE. I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE LAST
STORY. WE'LL KEEP GOING.
MEANWHILE, DICTIONARY.COM ANNOUNCED
THAT THEY'VE ADDED MORE THAN 300 NEW WORDS, INCLUDING
DEADASS, WHICH MEANS "GENUINELY, SINCERELY,
OR TRULY," AND NOT, AS I SUSPECTED,
THE TITLE OF THE SADDEST SHREK SEQUEL.
I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED EARLIER. I SHOULD'VE STOPPED ONE STORY
EARLIER. MEANWHILE, IN FOOD NEWS,
VAN LEEUWEN AND HIDDEN VALLEY ARE RELEASING A HIDDEN VALLEY
RANCH ICE CREAM AND RECOMMEND YOU
"HAVE IT BY ITSELF OR PAIR IT WITH SOME SALTY
SNACKS FOR AN AFTERNOON OR LATE-NIGHT PICK-ME-UP!"
IF YOU'RE EATING RANCH-FLAVORED DESSERTS IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT, YOU DON'T NEED A PICK-ME-UP.
YOU NEED AN INTERVENTION. BUT ALL RIGHT, I'LL BITE.
LET'S SEE: FIRST INGREDIENTS ARE CREAM, MILK, CANE SUGAR, OKAY.
BUT THEN GARLIC POWDER AND ONION POWDER.
WOW! THE TOP TWO POWDERS I WOULD NOT
WANT TO FIND IN MY ICE CREAM, JUST AHEAD OF "TALCUM"
AND "GUN." HOW DOES IT TASTE?
WELL, LET'S FIND OUT. SHALL WE?
EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT ME TO DO.
OKEY-DOKEY. OKEY-SMOKEY.
WOW. I'M GONNA SAVE THAT
FOR LATER. I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY KEEP
THAT VALLEY HIDDEN. 'CAUSE GOD HELP ME IF I EVER
FIND THEM. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHRISTINA RICCI. ♪ ♪