CID: Even though he created magical technology for an entire empire,
he still wouldn't take off that f*cking banana suit. And that's the story of my great grandpappy, Cid VI!
BARRET: *Hours.* That's how long your ass has been talking on this boat-plane
while we've been looking for the Temple of the Ancients...
TIFA: *sickly* Feels like we've been sailing around in circles...
CID: Oh, that's 'cause we are!
[Plane motor sounds]
BARRET: WHY THE F*CK'VE WE BEEN SAILING AROUND IN CIRCLES!?!
CLOUD: Red! Haven't you been giving Cid directions based off of Sephiroth's smell?
RED: Ooooh, *that* would have been a good thing to talk about, huh?
BARRET: THAT'S IT, YOU'RE GETTING UNGARMAX'ED!
CID: *Hey!* Hey! Hey.
Now, I think we all just need to close our eyes,
Now, I think we all just need to close our eyes, take a deep breath,
Now, I think we all just need to close our eyes, take a deep breath, and listen to the smooth----
[COUGH HACK]
...the smooth sound of my voice.
I want y'all to visualize somethin'.
I want y'all to visualize somethin'. The reason you're fightin'. The type of world you wanna see...
Now open them.
Now open them. What did y'all see?
CLOUD: I saw...
I saw... a world where everyone's dreams can come true.
BARRET: A world... where corruption and greed are no more.
TIFA: A world... with an open bar.
CID: What about you, cat? What do you see when you close your eyes?
[Memory of the terrified screams of Sector 7's populace as the plate comes crashing down.]
CAITH SITH: ...We're all going to die out here.
YUFFIE: HE'S RIGHT!
[overlapping voices]
AERITH: The Keystone...
CLOUD: Hey, hey, *hey*! Everyone, shut up!
Hey, hey, *hey*! Everyone, shut up! What did you say, Aerith?
AERITH: To find the Temple of the Ancients, we need the Keystone.
CLOUD: Um, okay. Do you know where it is?
AERITH: ...Yeah. I do.
BARRET: What the hell we waitin' for, then? Let's biggity bounce!
Finally, from here on out, it'll be clear skies,
Finally, from here on out, it'll be clear skies, smooth sailing,
Finally, from here on out, it'll be clear skies, smooth sailing, and most importantly, peace and qui---.
YUFFIE: ♪ WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE GOLD SAUCER ♪
♪ GOING BACK, GOING BACK TO THE GOLD SAUCER ♪
[Barret cocking his gun arm] ♪ GOING BACK, GOING BACK TO THE GOLD SAUCER ♪
[Barret firing his gun arm] ♪ GOING BACK TO THE GOLD SAUC-- AAH-YAA-AAA!!
[Intro Theme]
CLOUD: The Keystone. Aerith was right.
DIO: Hello, boy! - [Cloud yelps]
DIO: Welcome back to Gold Saucer! Are you here to fight our Champion?
CLOUD: ...Your Champion?
TANKCERATOPS: I'M BEING HELD CAPTI-I-IVE!
DIO: By the way, you'll be happy to know that we've listened to your feedback on the Gold Points System,
and have completely changed it!
CLOUD: Great! So people can use regular Gil now?
DIO: No! In fact, let me tell you about our exciting new business model called
No! In fact, let me tell you about our exciting new business model called Loot Saucers™!
CLOUD: *anger increasing* So I have to use real currency...
...to buy fake currency...!
...to buy a box with a voucher for something that I might not want...!
...and to get the thing I *do* want,
...and to get the thing I *do* want, I just have to KEEP BUYING THEM!?
DIO: Now, I know this might sound like gambling...
CLOUD: ...That's because it is.
DIO: But I assure you, it is foolproof!
I gave all the information to my associate, Mr. Coates, in Corel Prison,
and he should be calling me back with the numbers any moment now!
[cellphone ringing] Ah. That must be him.
You thought it was an answering machine, but it was *I*, Di...
You thought it was an answering machine, but it was *I*, Di... oh.
...You're saying the Loot Saucers™ were a complete disaster?
...You're saying I'm ruined?
...You're saying "f*ck you, I quit"?
...He hung up.
CLOUD: Daaaamn, Dio... you gonna be alright?
DIO: I'll be fine, boy.
Perhaps... this is for the best.
I've spent my whole life here at Gold Saucer. Counting Gil, buying antiques...
CLOUD: By the way, can I have this?
DIO: Doing inappropriate monologue flexes. [pectoral bouncing]
CLOUD: Yeah, I'm just gonna take it.
DIO: I should go out and see the world!
Maybe I'll even run into those boys in black capes with tattoos
who keep talking about Black Materia and "reunions".
Yes, I'll walk away from Gold Saucer, and never look back.
CLOUD: That makes two of us. I don't plan on staying here another second long---
GS ENGINEER: Rail car's broken. CLOUD: Of f*cking course it is.
CLOUD: How long till it's fixed? GS ENGINEER: Kinda hard to say...
I've been hammering at it for a few hours and still haven't made a dent.
I've been hammering at it for a few hours and still haven't made a dent. In the problem, I mean.
I've made TONS of dents in the machine, though!
CAIT SITH: Sounds like it's gonna be a while.
I know! How 'bout in the meantime we all enjoy a Gold-Pointless Gold Saucer?
MOG: I wish there was something pointless I could enjoy.
CLOUD: Eh... I think I'm just gonna hang back at the hotel. Try to... figure some stuff out.
TIFA: Well, it's good to see that *one* of us is choosing to be responsible, *because*...
TIFA: *shitfaced* GOOOOLD SHAAAUCHEEEEER! (inhales)
Guys! We met Tankceratops, HOLY CRAP!
YUFFIE: He screamed at me to not do drugs! (high-pitched squealing)
BARRET: Red and I dressed up as snobs and critiqued the grub at the food court.
RED: Though the chicken nuggies lacked the dinosaur shape
to which this critic has become accustom, the plum sauce could only be described with one word:
"Egg-squeeze-eet".
CAITH SITH: Well, it sounds like you've all had a long, tiring day, so why don't we call it a ni-
CLOUD: Hey, Aerith. You remember when we were in Nibelheim and we met those guys in black capes
talking about... "reunion'?
AERITH: Yeah, what about them?
CLOUD: Dio. He said he met people with black capes and tattoos talking about "reunion" as well.
TIFA: *slurred* F*ck's wrong with tattoos, Cloud?
AERITH: Wait... Sephiroth mentioned something to you about a reunion as well, right?
CLOUD: Yeah, he did. Dio also mentioned-
AERITH: ...The Black Materia.
CLOUD: Yeah. Do you know what that is?
AERITH: I... I'm not sure. Do you think they're connected, Cloud?
CID: Hey, y'all. So, I know I'm the new guy here, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say...
I dunno what the f*ck is going on.
All: [agrees]
ALL: [agrees] BARRET: These ghosts also don't know what's going on.
GHOST 1: We're playing cheeeess!
GHOST 2: Stop talking like that, Bill.
CLOUD: Yeah, it does feel like the more stuff pops up, the more confusing this whole situation gets.
Let's just wait until the rail car is fixed so we can go to the Temple of the Ancients.
CAITH SITH: And who knows how long that'll take!
So, why don't we all follow Vincent's lead, and go get some sleep?
[Vincent snoring]
VINCENT: *sleep-talking* You're looking quite the dirge today, Cerberus.
[Vincent continues snoring]
CLOUD: Black Materia...
"reunion"...
Ugh, how am I supposed to concentrate when I'm stuck in the kiddie room!?
[door opens]
Aerith? You're still awake?
AERITH: Yup! And so is everyone else!
C'mon! Let's go check out the park!
CLOUD: Eh... I don't really think I'm in the mood to hang out with everyone-
AERITH: I don't mean with the others.
Just... you and me.
CLOUD: Just... the two of us?
*stuttering* ...You mean like a...
Aerith: Yes, Cloud! Like a
[slowed down] DAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
CLOUD: A date... with me?
AERITH: Well, who else would I be asking, silly?
The guy in the iron maiden?
Child 1: We're actually two kids stacked on top of each other!
Child 2: We don't know how to get out!
Cloud: *laughing nervously* No, no, of course me! Duh! [laughs]
*quickly* I'd love to.
AERITH: Then c'mon, let's go!
CHILD 2: Please get our parents!
[Gold Saucer Theme]
[music fades out] AERITH: Are you sure you're alright being up here, Cloud?
CLOUD: Yeah. I actually don't feel scared at all.
Aerith.
I want to apologize again for what I said about Zack.
I thought I was coming off like some cool big shot, not taking anyone's feelings into consideration.
I was such an asshole.
AERITH: To be honest... deep down I kinda always knew.
I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
...There were a lot of things I didn't want to admit to myself.
CLOUD: This journey to hunt Sephiroth feels like it's...
... changing all of us.
When I get close to him, or even think about him, I feel like I lose a bit of myself.
What if when I meet him again, I'm not strong enough and I... lose myself completely?
That scares me, Aerith.
AERITH: You are strong, Cloud. No matter what anyone says.
[AERITH's voice]
[CLOUD's voice]
CLOUD: Boy, that was an intense talk!
AERITH: See? It's good to talk about things that are on your mind!
CLOUD: Kinda makes me wish I could do it more often.
AERITH: Weeeell...
[music speeds up] YUFFIE: THIS IS SO COOL!
RED: This is the second highest I've ever been!
CID: There's monsters in the ocean.
TIFA" *slurred* Then I freed Tankceratops, cause he's my f*cking hero!
BARRET: Wallace Wisdom #343:
If anyone tries to f*ck with your friends, your family, or the planet, you f*ck with them back.
VINCENT: Have you ever wondered what human tastes like?
...chewy.
CLOUD: ...And then some guy with a gunblade showed up, and after a quick talk,
we both agreed that XIII is the worst number!
AERITH: Look, Cloud! It's Mr. Kitty Sith!
We should get our fortunes read again!
CLOUD: Yeah, we could ask him what the weather will be like, or how we'll look in the future,
or why he's holding the Keystone...
HOLDING THE KEYSTONE!?
AERITH: Mr. Kitty Sith, wait!
CLOUD: Cait Sith! What's going-
TSENG: Thanks for the Keystone, Cait Sith.
Have a nice daaaay!
CLOUD: Cait Sith-
CAITH SITH: Cloud, I know you're confused... but I think it's best if I explain myself to the group.
AERITH: Mr. Kitty Sith... who are you?
CAITH SITH: Just a man... doing his job.
CLOUD: I can't believe it... all this time... Cait Sith...
... was a spy.
TIFA: *muffled* Called it.
CAITH SITH: Well, that's it. I'm a Shinra spy who was ordered to follow you all and report any information to HQ.
CLOUD: *angry* You've been deceiving us. And after I said you were chill! What other lies have you told us?
CAITH SITH: I'm actually not a fortune teller, either.
CLOUD: *crying* I don't even f*cking know you anymore, man.
CAITH SITH: Look, I'm sorry I betrayed your trust, but I'm sure that if we just continue our journey like nothing ever happened-
Tifa: *slurred* Nooo no no no no, you don't get to pull the shit you just did and say "sorry".
GHOST 2: He's over here, lady.
CID: I bet you were part of those f*cking Shinra numbskulls that crushed my dreams!
TIFA: *slurred* And my bar-slash-where I sleep!
CAITH SITH: I can't tell you who I am, but I can still help you guys! I'll be your man on the inside!
TIFA: *slurred* HE'S INSIDE THE MOOGLE!
CID: LET'S CUT HIM OPEN!
VINCENT: Dibs on the organs.
CAITH SITH: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! Besides, you'd be wasting your time.
The only thing inside Mog is fluff and gears.
MOG: Don't forget guilt. That's internal.
CLOUD: What about those black robed people? What can you tell us about them?
CAITH SITH: They're a bunch of people that Hojo experimented on.
CLOUD: Well, what's their connection with Sephiroth? And what about Black Materia?
And what the hell is "reunion"?
CAITH SITH: Hey, I just said they're experiments! I dunno their life stories.
MOG: It's probably sad.
CAITH SITH: Not as sad as Shinra's gonna feel when we get to the Temple of the Ancients BEFORE them!
CID: The hell's this "we" f**kery you're talkin' about?
CAITH SITH: Because you NEED me! I know where the Temple is! So without me, yo-
AERITH: The Temple is on an island in the southeast that can only be reached from here by air or sea.
CID: Well, how 'bout that? Guess we DON'T need you, ya f*ckin' spy.
CAITH SITH: (sighing) I didn't wanna resort to this, but you leave me no choice.
Barret, at this very moment, your daughter Marlene being held captive by Reno and-
Barret, at this very moment, your daughter Marlene being held captive by Reno and- RENO: She's a kid, what's she gonna...
RENO: SHE'S GOT A GUN! Turk Member: WHAT THE F-
[static]
BARRET: Oh, I ain't worried.
CAITH SITH: I'm still coming with you.
YUFFIE: But my sweet singing booth is busted! How we gonna get outta this place, yo?
TIFA *slurred* You leave that to me.
TANKCERATOOOOOPS!
TANKCERATOOOOOPS! Aerith: [cheering] All: [screaming]
[Outro Theme]
[Captions provided by Tankceratops]