LOU, WHAT'S THIS? A LITTLE DOG IN SUNGLASSES AND A
LITTLE POT OF COINS. >> FEED HIM SOME COINS, HE'LL
GOBBLE THEM UP. >> James: FEED HIM SOME COINS,
HE'LL GOBBLE THEM UP. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> IS HE WORKING?
>> James: I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE ALLOWED TO SHOW THAT ON
CBS. GLFNL
( LAUGHTER ) GOT STAMINA, THOUGH.
>> YEAH. >> James: NOW, WHAT YOU CAN'T
SEE WHICH IS WHAT I CAN SEE, IS LET ME TURN IT AROUND, IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S GOT A HUGE ( BLEEP ) AND --
( LAUGHTER ) GET THE RIGHT ANGLE.
LOOK. >> YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: YOU'RE A SICK MAN,
LOU. IT'S THAT TIME.
IT'S TIME FOR -- THE NEWS! THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES WAS
EXPECTED TO HOLD DONALD TRUMP'S FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK
MEADOWS, IN CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS TODAY, FOR FAILING TO COOPERATE
WITH THE JANUARY SIXTH INVESTIGATION.
CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS IS ONE OF THE MOST SHAMEFUL CHARGES A
PERSON CAN GET, AND YET THAT STILL WON'T MAKE US REMEMBER WHO
MARK MEADOWS IS. PICTURE HIM IN YOUR MIND, NOW.
YOU CAN'T. GO AHEAD, JUST SEE IF YOU CAN
PICTURE ONE -- YOU CAN'T. NOTHING.
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CHIEF OF STAFF, WOULDN'T KNOW HIM IF I
FELL OVER HIM IN WAL-MART. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I COULD FALL INTO AN ENTIRE SHELF OF HIS BOOKS, AND I STILL
WOULDN'T KNOW WHO IT IS. MEADOWS IS REFUSING TO COOPERATE
WITH THE JANUARY 6th PANEL, CLAIMING HIS PERSONAL E -MAILS,
TEXTS AND CHATS ARE COVERED BY EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE, AS WELL AS
BRO CODE. ( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT, IT WAS REVEALED THAT MEADOWS RECEIVED NUMEROUS TEXTS
DURING THE RIOT - FROM FOX NEWS HOSTS, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS, AND
EVEN DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR - ALL URGING HIM TO GET DONALD TRUMP
TO STOP THE VIOLENCE AT THE CAPITOL.
I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT IF IGNORING TEXTS IS A CRIME, LOCK
ME UP. DON JUNIOR TEXTED MEADOWS,
ASKING HIM TO DO SOMETHING. MEANWHILE, ERIC TRUMP TEXTED,
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE MY "PAW PATROL" SLIPPERS ARE?
( LAUGHTER ) THINKING ABOUT THIS, RIGHT --
I KNOW WE ALL LIKE THE CONVENIENCE OF TEXTING - BUT IF
EVER THERE WAS AN INSTANCE THAT WARRANTED CALLING IN REAL TIME,
THIS WOULD BE IT. ( APPLAUSE )
DON'T USE THE SAME FORM OF COMMUNICATION YOU USE TO TELL
YOUR FRIEND YOU WANT EXTRA BA-HA SAUCE ON YOUR CHALUPA.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M A BIG FAN OF A PHONE CALL.
I LIKE A PHONE CALL. >> IT KNOCKS IT OUT.
THERE'S NEVER A DEFINITIVE ENDING TO A TEXT MESSAGE
CONVERSATION AND IT'S FRUSTRATING.
>> James: YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S LIKE THE END OF A FIREWORK
DISPLAY. >> RIGHT.
>> James: DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD THE FIREWORK DISPLAY WAS,
YOU CAN HAVE THE BEST FIREWORK DISPLAY YOU EVER SAW IN YOUR
LIFE, AT THE END YOU GO -- OH, NO, YEAH, THAT WAS IT.
THAT WAS IT. NO, THAT WAS THE LAST.
BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD THAT MOMENT FIVE TIMES DURING IT, IT GOES
OFF SEVERAL TIMES AND YOU GO -- OH, NO, IT'S STILL GOING ,ETH
STILL GOING. THAT WAS SOME DISPLAY, WASN'T
IT? OH, GOD, NO!
IT'S STILL GOING! AND BY THE END, YOU'RE LIKE --
( LAUGHTER ) NO, I THINK THAT'S IT.
WE CAN GO INSIDE. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD YOUR
RUN OF TEXT MESSAGES IS, IT'S STILL GOING TO GET TO A POINT
WHERE AT SOME POINT SOMEONE GOES, OKAY, I'M DONE NOW, I'M
NOT REPLYING ANYMORE. I'VE REALLY GONE IN ON THIS, I
DIDN'T EXPECT TO. ( LAUGHTER )
IN OTHER NEWS, STUDY RESULTS WERE RELEASED TODAY THAT
CONFIRMS THE SUCCESS OF PFIZER'S NEW COVID TREATMENT PILL, IN A
MEDICINE CALLED PAXLOVID, IS TAKEN AT THE ONSET
OF SYMPTOMS, IT REDUCES THE RISK OF SERIOUS ILLNESS BY ALMOST
NINETY PERCENT. SOUNDS LIKE WE JUST FOUND THE
SEASON'S HOTTEST NEW STOCKING FELLOW, GUYS.
PRETTY EXCITING THIS. IT'S A WHOLE NEW BREAKTHROUGH
FOR HALF THE COUNTRY TO BE TOTALLY
SKEPTICAL ABOUT. TAKING A PILL DUDE?
90 PERCENT YOUR BRAIN BURNS, DUDE!
I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES! YEAH, BUT YOU JUST TOOK A PILL,
IT'S IVERMECTIN. SHUT UP, MAN!
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE LIKE ANY MEDICATION,
PAXLOVID DOES COME WITH SIDE EFFECTS, WHICH INCLUDE, UPSET
STOMACH, DROWSINESS, AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWING YOUR
TONGUE WHILE TRYING TO SAY PAXLOVID.
( LAUGHTER ) IAN, WE NEED A SNAPPIER NAME FOR
THIS MEDICINE. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'VE GONE
WITH PAXLOVID. IT'S THE WORST NAME POSSIBLE.
>> SOUNDS LIKE PANDEMIC AND COVID WITH AN X IN THE MIDDLE OF
IT. >> SOUNDS AUSTRALIAN.
>> James: PAXLOVID? YEAH.
>> James: IT DOES. YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE TOWN OUTSIDE OF WILMA.
LET'S GO DOWN TO PAXLOVID. HAVE A COUPLE CANS OF PAXLOVID.
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, A NEW STUDY COMPARED
INTELLIGENCE TEST SCORES BETWEEN AEROSPACE ENGINEERS,
NEUROSURGEONS, AND THE GENERAL POPULATION.
IT TURNS OUT THAT ROCKET SCIENTISTS AND BRAIN SURGEONS,
ARE NO SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON.
THIS STUDY WAS CONDUCTED BY THE SHANIA TWAIN INSTITUTE OF
"THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH." ( LAUGHTER )
PARTICIPANTS COMPLETED AN ONLINE TEST TO MEASURE ASPECTS OF
INTELLIGENCE, LIKE PLANNING AND REASONING, MEMORY, AND
ATTENTION. ALTHOUGH, I SHOULD POINT OUT
THAT TWO THINGS WERE NOTABLY ABSENT FROM THE TEST, AND THEY
WERE, ROCKET SCIENCE AND BRAIN SURGERY.
( LAUGHTER ) DOES THIS MEAN THE PHRASE IS NOT
ROCKET SCIENCE -- WE CAN'T SAY THAT ANYMORE, IT'S NOT ROCKET
SCIENCE -- DOES THAT MEAN ROCKET SCIENCE IS NOW IT'S NOT
ROCKET SCIENCE, BUT IT'S ALSO NOT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU DONE AN I.Q. TEST?
>> NOT IN A LONG TIME SNOWYOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
>> NO. >> James: I COULD NOT DO MY
TEN-YEAR-OLD SON'S MATH HOMEWORK THE OTHER NIGHT.
HE SAID, DAD, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?
I SAID, SURE, BUDDY, OF COURSE, I CAN.
SIT TOWN, LET'S OPEN THIS UP. ( LAUGHTER )
I LOOKED AT HIM. I FELT LIKE I WAS SITTING WITH
MATT CAMENAN GOOD WILL HUNTING. I SAID HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO
THIS? WHAT ARE ALL THESE LINES FOR?
WHAT'S WITH THE TINY NUMBERS, BRO?
YOU GOT BIG NUMBERS, A LITTLE LINE, A TINY NUMBER -- THIS IS
CRAZY! SHOULDN'T ALL THE NUMBERS BE THE
SAME SIZE? WHAT'S WITH THE TINY NUMBERS?
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS, LIKE, DUDE!
>> THEY TOLD US, WE ASKED, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO USE THIS AGAIN?
WE'RE, LIKE, YOU WILL USE IT. >> James: THIS IS THE DAY.
ONE TIME IN A MONOLOGUE, MAYBE IT WILL MAKE IT IN A SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JAMES: AND FINALLY, WE WANTED
TO SHOW YOU THIS. A FAMILY IN SOUTH AFRICA NOTICED
THEIR CAT STARING INTENTLY INTO THEIR NEWLY-DECORATED CHRISTMAS
TREE. AND THEN THEY SAW WHY, HAVE A
LOOK. THERE WAS A HIGHLY-VENOMOUS
SNAKE IN THEIR CHRISTMAS TREE. TO BE FAIR, A SNAKE IS WHAT THE
FAMILY'S WEIRD GOTH SON WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> LOVE IT.
>> James: THANK TBOONDZ THE CAT ALERTED THE FAMILY.
AND SCREW YOU, ELF ON THE SHELF, FOR REFUSING TO DO OR SAY
ANYTHING. ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS PRETTY TRAGIC. THEY REMOVED THE SNAKE, BUT NOT
BEFORE IT ATE FOUR CALLING BIRDS, THREE FRENCH HENS, AND
TWO TURTLE DOVES... AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
WHEN WE COME BACK, DWYANE WADE IS GOING TO HERE AND PLAY SOME
BASKETBALL. COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY!