- Come on Lou.
I just need to take an hour off to run an errand.
- Nope, I need you on the lot today.
Even if it is a red day.
- A red day?
- Yeah you know, your lady thing.
- My period?
- Please don't say that word.
- Why, it's just a word.
- It's gross.
- What would you rather me day,
shedding of my uterine lining?
- I'd rather you say nothing.
Maybe, I don't know, sell some cars.
- That is what we're here for.
- Shut up Carl
And Lou, come one, my ex is going to stop by the lot today
to pick something up and I really rather not be here.
- Michelle, you don't get to choose
when you come and go from work.
- Carl, I wish you would have joined a cult
so you could only bother people that deserve it.
- I tried.
- What have I always told you?
- People are sheep when they come on the lot fleece them.
- No, well yeah,
but I always say, "I don't care about your personal life"
right?
- Come on, it's court ordered,
and my ex knows it's due today and that I'm working
so he's coming by the lot to pick it up.
- What did you say about court ordered?
You get caught stretching
in front of that middle school again?
- It was one time.
They thought I was a substitute teacher
trying to lure students.
- I mean, in their defense,
you do look like a young substitute teacher
that is just about to give up hope.
- Thanks.
- You two shut up.
Dan stop eating on the lot.
Michelle, you can't go home today,
and sell some fucking cars will you.
Jesus Christ!
Jack offs!
(Carl hissing)
- [Dan] So why you trying to leave?
- My ex-husband has to come pick something up.
- You were married?
- Yeah.
- You have the emotional capability of a steel pipe.
- It was a passionate relationship and we eloped.
- Where like Vegas?
Reno?
- No, Gold's Gym.
- Huh?
- Yeah, we were both members
and one of the zumba instructors was ordained.
So one day after a work out we got married.
- Yeah, that's why I don't go to the gym.
- That's why?
- Well one of the reasons.
I also have wide feet.
- Gross.
- Like really wide feet.
By Army standards I'm F4,
unfit for military service.
- You tried to join the Army?
- Oh god no.
I hate conflict.
I just like finding excuses to get out of stuff.
- Anyway, we got married.
I quickly realized it was a huge mistake.
I tried to get it annulled.
We couldn't.
We got divorced and now I'm a divorcee.
I'm a divorcee.
- So what's he picking up?
- Alimony.
- You get paid alimony.
That's the best.
It's like investing in your sexual abilities
to the point that if it doesn't work out
you still get paid.
- You are a human chain wallet.
He's not dropping off alimony,
he's picking up alimony.
I was the breadwinner.
I win, I always win.
I win bread.
- Wait, this guy gets alimony.
He's awesome.
- No he's not.
- Yes he is.
- No.
- Yes. - No.
- Yeah. - He's not.
He's terrible.
He's the worse.
- No, he's awesome.
- No. - Yes.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no, no.
He's here.
He's right there.
You've got to give it to him.
- What is this?
- It's a check.
Give him the check and just give it to him.
- I don't want to meet your ex-husband.
God damn it, she Batman me.
- Yo, what's up bro?
- Hi, I'm Dan.
Can I help you?
- Yeah, is Shelly around?
- Oh hi, you must be her ex-husband.
- Yeah, love of her life.
She blew it.
- Yeah bro.
She talks about you like, dude, all the time.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You know what though,
she's always worried about her career.
Never worried about my dream.
- Oh yeah, what was your dream dog?
- Protein shake that's also a vodka.
Boom.
- But wait.
It's protein with vodka?
- Yeah, no, it's a protein shake.
- Yeah.
- That can also double up as vodka.
So you drink your protein while you're in the club.
It's vodka with protein.
I call it Vodpro.
- Yeah, that's sick dog.
- Thanks bro.
- Sure dude.
- What do you eat bread?
- Yeah, it's delicious.
- Dude, I haven't had bread since 1986.
- That was like, wasn't Reagan in office?
- Who?
Reagan?
Sounds like a hot chick I banged.
- I was talking about a president that's dead.
- Feel my abs.
Feel my abs.
Feel that shit.
- Wow. - Exactly.
- Really?
- I have nine abs.
- Dude, I get it.
- Yeah dude, slow down on the bread.
- Yeah.
- Got to just go wild game.
That's what I do.
Elk, bison.
- Those are buffalo right?
- I'll eat a fucking Native American.
I don't give a shit.
- Yeah, well anyways,
here's your alimony check.
You might want to check that.
Make sure it's all there, she's cheap.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
I was married to her for two years.
She never bought one canister of whey protein.
- Dude, I've been working with her for months,
she's never bought me cup of coffee.
- Fucking Shelly.
- Fucking Shells.
- The worst. - Yeah.
Hey Lou, could I get a sales packet.
- Why, who'd you sell a car to?
- Oh, my new friend, Ty.
- You sold a car to my ex-husband?
- Shouldn't have hung me out to dry on the lot.
- How?
He's broke.
You sneaky son of a bitch.
You're like that trader that convinced me
to invest in subprime mortgages.
And yeah, I did the due diligence.
I knew it was risky.
I knew the numbers didn't quite work,
but then I made a huge bonus for making a smart play.
Naturally I got a little bit greedy,
and all of a sudden I'm responsible
for the collapse of a hedge fund.
Can't even blame it on me.
I was just a 23 year old
who loved power walking, yelling at phones.
- Shut up.
None of us care.
And if you keep babbling I'm going to lose my sale,
because Ty's got the attention span of a mosquito.
- Yeah, but you can crack eggs on his obliques.
- Both of yous,
get the fuck out.
(electronic music)
- So what's up, you hooking up with Shelly?
- Oh god no.
- Okay.
- I don't think anyone could make me softer.
- What a gross car.
- How is that car even running?
- Wait, how do I know that car?
- Does it remind you of the rusty pieces
of scrap metal your mom used to let you
play on as a kid?
(chuckles)
- No.
Well, kind of.
Oh no.
I had sex in that car.
- How do you know?
- The dice in the back.
I even made a joke about it because
I didn't have a condom.
I was like "let's roll the dice."
- Okay, first of all, gross.
Second of all, terrible joke.
This one's all you.
- No, you got...please you gotta take...
I don't even remember her name.
- Just call her a nickname
like baby cakes or strong calves.
- Strong calves?
- Sweetie, whatever.
- Please, you gotta take this one.
- I can't.
I don't get along with girls like that.
- Yeah, you're right.
You probably couldn't sell this chick a car.
- I could sell this chick a car.
- No you couldn't.
- Yes I could.
- No you couldn't.
- Yes I can and I will!
- Fine, do it.
(car door creaks open and shuts)
- That's a nice jacket.
It really brings out your, uhm...
- Where is he? Where's Dan?
- Dan who?
- Dan. About this tall.
Jacked up teeth, crooked smile.
Can't trust him.
That Dan?
- Oh, that...
- You know that Dan?
- Yeah, that's a very...
- Likes to pick up lonely women,
maybe going through a tough time.
Take them out back, dump his load in them.
You know that Dan?
- I would add in that he has a skinny fat body.
- You're right about that.
- But he's not here. I can help you.
- You think you can cover three years back
child support?
You think you can do that?
But you can't do too much for me.
So find me Dan.
Where is he?
- And that's him sleeping.
- Dogs are awesome.
- And that's him sleeping with his paw out.
- It's like he's reaching out to you
from his dreams.
- And that's him sleeping right after he yawned.
He's fucking adorable.
- Show him that picture of him yawning.
- Shut up.
Hey! What did I tell you about running in here?
- I'm not...
- Making people feel bad with all that exercise.
- I'm not exercising.
Although you should exercise 23 minutes a day,
seven to ten days a week.
- Or you could not and be pretty happy.
- Oh you'll be pretty happy to know
that there's a woman outside that says
she has your baby and you owe her
three years of back child support.
- What? I have a kid?
- Yeah, his name's Burt.
- She named my kid Burt?
What is he, a 55 year old mechanic?
- That reminds me, I dated a guy named Burt.
He was nice. I mean, not to me.
- I can't be a dad. What about my band?
- Oh, right, you can't be a dad.
You're a terrible role model.
- What?
I'd be a better role model than
Big Gulps and hot dogs out there.
If she wants three years of back child support
then I want three years of back child love.
- You want what?
- I want child love!
Man, I immediately knew that sounded weird.
I want quality time with my son.
Give me back my son!
- Maybe he's not yours.
- Think there's a chance?
- I mean, you do smoke enough pot
to make an Italian bull sterile.
- Just...can you go out there and like,
see if she's got anything concrete or scientific?
Anything that can sink me in court.
- And get it notarized. That's what holds up
in court and makes it easier to break
them lemon laws.
- I'm not good at that kind of conversation.
I'm only good at conversations about
exercise, and yoga is not exercising.
It's stretching and toddler mats.
- Just go out there and have some girl talk.
- I don't want to!
- Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot you can't.
- Oh, I can.
- No you can't.
- Yes I can!
- No you can't.
- Yes I can and I will!
- Seriously, that works every time.
- Cause she's stupid.
(sniffs)
- Hey, Dan's out on a test drive with a customer.
- Yeah? I'm gonna wait.
- Okay.
- Sit down and eat.
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Yoga pants, sit it down and eat something.
- I don't do yoga, I'm not a mom
with too much time on her hands.
- I don't care, nobody cares, okay?
- Okay.
I'm Michelle.
- I'm Dawn. With a "w."
- There's no other way to spell "Dawn."
- Grab yourself something to snack on
and sit the fuck down.
- Um, this looks good to me.
(sniffs)
So, why don't you tell me a little bit
about Burt, you said? Right?
- Burt? Burt is huge. Lucky for him,
he got my genes, so he's gonna be all set there.
- Yeah, that's great. And what do you do?
- Bouncer for now, but, I'm working
on this food car idea.
- Food cart?
- Food car. C-A-R.
- Okay.
- Everybody else, they got those
big ol' food trucks, but for me,
I'm gonna simplify, I'm gonna amplify,
I'm gonna take it to the streets in my food car.
- Yeah, it's like you can't lose.
Do you have a picture of Burt?
- Mm, a picture of Burt.
Look at that little dude.
- Oh wow, yeah.
Little is not, uh, the word I would use.
- He's about 128 pounds.
I'm about to take a real quick dump.
(burps)
Be right back.
- You can...there's an office.
- There's no time. I don't have time.
Oh, that's right. Oh, oh God.
- Calm down, I got three I don't even talk to.
(door opens and slams)
Nice entrance, Kramer.
- It's not your kid.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
- How positive?
- The kid's black.
- How black?
- Borderline purple. It's not your kid.
- Wow, that's very black.
But, think about it. I do play bass.
So I got rhythm. I could be part black.
- No, no, no. No to all of that.
You're whiter than Masters tickets.
It's not your kid.
- That's very white. You know what?
Now that I know I'm not the father,
it kind gives her like a MILF quality.
[Michelle] - No, you cannot be serious.
- Yeah, I'd be a pretty good step-dad.
- No you wouldn't. You'd be a terrible step-dad.
- Dawn!
[Michelle] - Look at him running back into that fire.
- God, his simplicity's almost admirable.
- That was almost beautiful.
- Know what would be really beautiful, Michelle?
If you were on the lot selling some fucking cars.
- Oh, you know, you're tough but you're fair.
- [Michelle] What do you think Lou wants to
talk to us about?
I cannot be in trouble.
I can't be in trouble!
- What would you be in trouble for?
- I don't know. The other day I ate a donut.
- Why would you be in trouble for eating a donut?
Was it Lou's donut?
- No, maybe, I don't know.
The point is, I shouldn't have eaten the donut.
- Say you're in here for eating a donut.
Why would I be in here too?
- Well, he's going to fire me for eating a donut
and you're getting fired too.
- But why would I be getting fired too?
I didn't eat a donut.
I ate a bagel.
You know what?
Donuts and bagels are bread cousins.
- No, you're getting fired because
you're not good at selling cars.
- I'm great at selling cars.
I'm good at four things,
smoking weed, playing bass,
rationing enough barbecue sauce for each chicken nugget,
and selling cars.
- Well I'm good at five things,
counting calories, sumo squats,
stopping the fast forward on the DVR
right as the show's starting again,
naming cats, and selling cars.
- How is naming cats a strength?
- Easy.
Secrets, Temple of Doom,
Bond James Bond, Basket,
Secretary Madeleine Albright.
- Those are grea... - [Michelle] Oh wait, Colin Meow.
- Okay, that's good.
- He's a black cat.
- Yeah.
- With white paws. - [Dan] Okay.
- [Dan] those are great cat names
but that doesn't mean you're better at selling cars
than I am.
- I sell cars like you take bong hits.
- You sell nine cars behind the trailer every day?
- Okay, you take too many bong hits.
- There's only one way to settle this.
- Oh, whoever sells car first is king.
- Wouldn't you want to be queen?
- No, because a queen still implies that there's
like a man in power of you
and I don't want (mumbles).
I'm king.
- You know you're going to die alone?
- Yeah, probably.
Whoever sells a car first is king.
- Deal. - [Michelle] Deal.
- That'll have to do.
No.
- Okay.
(heavy instrumental beats)
- That's a good deal, right?
You know, you get what I'm saying!
This is a good car, you got a good deal.
You hear what I'm saying.
Okay, okay. Alright, you know.
Well we, okay.
Sorry for touching you.
- Power makes up for a lot.
- How many kids you got?
- Three.
We actually just lost their father overseas.
- Oh, perfect.
- Excuse me?
- Bald eagle's maybe your spirit animal.
It's illegal to kill that bird.
- Did you serve?
- No, I was a busboy.
Oh, war.
- You're gonna walk away from me?
You trying to get me to have a crush on you?
Because it worked.
- You are a piece of shit.
- Yeah.
- Great, so with your credit,
the car will basically be taken care of
with these three payments we set up.
- How in the hell did you sell a car?
It's only been half the day.
- Great.
So why don't you take this in the office,
and Lou will get you set up with the title
and the correct paperwork,
and you'll be good to go.
Thank you.
Ha. I am king!
In your face, peasant.
In your face!
- Wow, you're a mean king.
Something didn't add up.
That woman walked right onto the lot directly up to you,
and you immediately sell her a car?
- I'm very good at my job.
- What's up?
- Fine, it's Judith.
She's from my fitness fan fiction group.
She said she wanted to buy a car.
I said if she came in today,
I'd work in my employee discount.
- What the hell is fitness fan fiction?
- Oh, it's great.
It's classic love stories, but then we add in
descriptions of workouts that the main characters are doing.
Like for example, take the story of The Notebook,
amazing on its own, but then we add in the characters
doing high-rep, low-weight workouts.
It's great.
I mean, The Porch Railing
essentially becomes- - [Dan] Got it. Got it.
- [Dan] What a terrible thing to do to storytelling,
and I shouldn't count that as a legitimate sale,
but I'm going to, because I feel terrible about your life.
- Aw, thank you.
And I'm really sorry I said you were bad at selling cars.
- Thanks.
- And that I told the mechanics
you have trouble getting an erection.
- What?
- Let's go tell Lou the good news!
- Getting or maintaining?
- Both!
(grunts)
- You guys know why I have you in here, right?
- Listen, Lou.
I know we haven't been the most productive,
but Michelle and I are really trying to motivate
ourselves to sell more cars.
I promise.
(man chuckles)
- That's great, Dan, but that's not why you're in here.
See, a true test of character
is how much someone can trust you,
and that's not an easy thing to build.
Take Carl here.
When he wandered in here,
he had the posture of a wet rat,
and kind of smelled like one,
and I gotta be honest with you, for the first couple months
I thought about killing him,
but, over time, he earned my trust.
He's loyal.
He's like a police dog.
You know those dogs that they train to bite minorities?
That's my boy, Carl.
- I've always said that Carl does have
the brain capacity of an animal.
- That ain't the point, stoner!
Which one of you assholes ate a donut?
I buy a two day supply right down to the donut
for calorie counting.
Now who took my donuts?
- That's not technically how you count calories.
It's done a little bit differently.
(mocking in a whiny pitch)
- The point is, Michelle, that was my property,
and it was stolen from me,
and if it happens again,
suspension from the lot and paperwork duty.
Do we understand each other?
- [Both] Yes.
- Good.
Get your skinny white fucking lazy millenial,
fucking gluten-free asses out of my office!
Okay? Good, get out.
- Notice how he didn't say bagel?
He said donut, so that was all you.
Hope it was worth it.
- Actually I felt really guilty about it.
I feel guilty about this one too.
(beat instrumental)