I remember mine started when I was about eight or nine around the time of experiencing abuse
as a child. And it was almost like my body was in the room but my mind was somewhere else.
So the way I describe it i s kind of getting
out of your body and going to a different place but it’s really scary because where
that takes you to sometimes is not the greatest of places.
Mine started probably at zero. I first realised now with hindsight that at a boys primary
school when I was about seven or eight in the cricket field -
I so remember this because I completely could not play because I was
so feeble for my age and undernourished. That I invented that I could play, completely.
And so I’m in control of everything. So
identities are continually being reinvented and invented, so I’ve probably got an encyclopaedia of
worlds and it’s really, really exhausting. I have had a whole month several times in
my life that have just disappeared. And the only way I’ve known that is because the
bank has said you haven’t paid for a month or you’ve missed a payment.
A whole month just gone. I mean it was explained to me once by a psychologist
and it was comforting in a way but she said you know as a child me disassociating actually
protected me from what was going on. But she said unfortunately it’s to your detriment
as an adult because you’re still doing it. It’s like a double edged sword. Do you know
what I mean? I think my experience is a little bit different
than you guys if that’s okay. I think we were saying before that sometimes you can
have a few sort of mental health problems that merge. I’ve sort of got like anxiety,
a bit of acrophobia, panic attacks and dissociation and mine is closely linked to obsessive compulsive
disorder as well. So if I’m in a situation where I get anxious that’s when I go as
if I’m not real, I go depersonalised and as if I’m just not real at all. Because
I get so anxious I just tip and I just go as if I am not real. I lose all my senses,
my voice doesn’t sound the same, my hands don’t look the same, I walk and it’s like
I’m walking on a bouncy castle. It’s terrifying and sometimes I feel like I come out of my
body and I’m in the corner of the room looking down on myself and it’s just really, really
frightening. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.
But it’s so difficult to explain to people that most of your life is just a blur.
Mine is a bit different to like what yours have kind of explained actually. I don’t
have like long periods of it usually. I think the longest time was probably like a few days.
And I don’t tend to have like a place that I go to I am just not there, if that makes
sense. And I feel just different within myself but I can’t really explain what it is. I
don’t know like sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in my body, I can’t get out, I can’t
physically move and I can’t do anything. I’m just like okay, what do I do now? And
other times I feel like I’m kind of on autopilot and I’m watching myself
doing stuff. It might be stuff that I don’t really want to do and I can’t seem to stop
myself from doing it even though I can hear me shouting at myself like stop, stop what
are you doing. But I’m still carrying on doing those things.
A lot of people have these things on occasion. Probably every human being can empathise with
us a little bit if they want to. Do you ever think that we actually try too
much and if we just let it be…? Basically yes.
That’s the idea isn’t it? Mindfulness. Just let it be.
Yes it is. That’s easier said than done. It is easier said than done. If we’re given
the skills rather… Medication I believe yes it plays a part, but it doesn’t actually
teach you anything. So it’s the partnership of the two that actually enable us to then
live rather than exist in this misery. Yes absolutely.
That’s a wonderful way of putting it. If I just get overwhelmed with any emotion
I’ve noticed, like if I become overwhelmed then I just go see you, and then I’m not
there anymore. You have to don’t you?
Yes. Well the top drawer in my freezer is just full of ice pops and like Calippos
or whatever they’re called and all that sort of stuff. And if I ever just go a bit,
I call it head sliding to my friends, then I’ll just go into the freezer and get one
of those. And it doesn’t take me long to come back around because the temperature change…
It grounds you. Yes it just kind of shocks me gently as well.
And I do use like incense and stuff like that or perfume if I am out which is very rare.
But if I am out I’ll be carrying perfume, lavender or heaven’s cream that smells really
strong, something that if I feel like I’m drifting off I’ll just… I don’t know
it brings me back. But then on the other side if somebody walks past me wearing something
that is not of a good memory… Oh okay. Yes it takes you to…
Then I’m gone again. Any mental health for a lot of people unless
they’ve got good support around them like you say you’re trapped in this body and
it’s so lonely. But actually I would say I’m lucky, touch wood, sitting here today
that recovery is possible. I believe it’s possible for everybody providing you get the
right support and the right opportunities. And luckily I’m on that road of what I call
discovery rather than recovery. I’m on that road to discovery and it’s a journey not
a destination. That’s kind of how I look at it now.