- [Man] Paging Nurse Trish.
You're wanted in Ward 39.
Nurse Trish to Ward 39.
- (bleep) me.
I just sat down for lunch.
(lively music)
Okay, I see your symptoms here.
Yes, I'm a nurse.
I've had 13 years experience.
No, you want to see a doctor?
You prefer to see a doctor?
Okay, because obviously I'm really stupid,
and I have no idea about anything medical.
You (bleep) piece of (bleep).
Okay Jeremy, I'm Nurse Trish.
You'd like to see a doctor?
No, I'm a nurse, 13 years experience, eight years of study.
No, but you'd rather see a doctor?
You feel like they're, obviously, more qualified.
There's a wine bottle stuck inside your anus,
and you're calling me inexperienced.
Okay, I don't quite understand that,
but I'm going to get you a doctor.
And I'm also going to take you off the morphine
because I think you're a fucking (bleep).
Administering CPR, one, two, three, four, five.
(alarm dings) What's that alarm for?
Oh god, I'm needed in Room 39.
Jenny, take over.
One, two, oh my god you buzzed?
Your tea is cold?
Are you dying?
No, I'm trying to give life-saving CPR.
No but your tea is cold.
Oh my god, I'm going to get you a new tea.
Julie we need to take over.
One, two, (alarm dings) Oh what now?
God, okay, what's happened?
You've shat the bed?
Is that it? Are you okay?
Okay, Mr. Rogerson, you do have two very fully functional
legs and there is a bathroom just over there.
But you've shat yourself.
Oh, you didn't want to miss
the winning case on Deal Or No Deal so you pooed your pants,
and now I have to clean it up.
Eight years of study and I'm wiping an old man's ass.
Jenny, how we going, we've lost him.
Oh, we've lost him.
He died.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
I was cleaning up Mr. Rogerson's asshole.
Okay Mr. Rogerson.
Now a couple of quick questions for you.
How did that wine bottle get up inside your anus?
Okay, you slipped and fell.
That is what we will tell your wife.
The gentleman that brought you in is waiting outside.
I'll see him off.
Hello, okay, so it says here on your chart.
No, I'm a nurse.
We're virtually the same thing,
except the doctor is paid a lot more
and done a few more years of study.
So I'm going to give you some.
No, you'd rather see a doctor?
Okay, well I'm a nurse with 13 years experience.
No, but you'd rather see the doctor,
who's just graduated university.
Okay, well I will get him for you then.
Okay, Jeremy. Oh, oh.
Are you okay?
You were just laughing to a YouTube video,
but suddenly you're in pain now that I'm here.
Okay, I'm not giving you any more morphine
because I think you're lying.
Well you go ahead and shit and piss yourself,
'cause I'm not cleaning it up.
Okay, thanks for coming in.
Just have a seat for me.
Now it says here you have symptoms of a cold.
Okay, I've got 65,000 patients to see.
You've just got a cold.
You're not actually dying.
So please leave immediately,
you pain in the ass waste of my time.
Okay, number 36 come on through.
Now you've written here
you've sneezed twice in a row which is very uncommon.
Okay, that's actually nothing, so you can (bleep) right off
and stop wasting my time too.
Number 37 come on through.
Now it says here you've fallen over and scraped your leg.
Now if I look at it, it's actually a scratch.
It hasn't actually penetrated the skin.
So again, I'm going to ask you (beep) right off.
Thank you so much.
42, number 42.
Sorry, is anyone out here actually sick,
injured or near death?
Yes, you sir.
Come on through, come on through.
Oh, pick your arm up.
You'll just need to pick your arm up,
I'll put some gloves on and come and help you.
So sorry to keep you waiting sir, we're going to stitch
that arm right back on there.
Off you go into emergency.
We've just had 30 to 40,000 hypochondriacs coming in today.
Actually, every day.
They come in every day.
They're (bleep) irritating.
Okay oh god.
Oh, I almost slipped on your poo that's on the floor.
Is there any reason you couldn't make it to the bathroom?
Just couldn't be bothered.
Ah, that's fine, I'll clean that up.
Nina, I'm just going to take a 10 minute break.
(alarm dings) Hold on, I'll get that.
Sir you buzzed.
Yep, the remote is just next to your bed.
Yep, just push channel up.
There you go.
That's how you change the channel.
(alarm dings) I'll get that one.
Oh, you just leaned on it accidentally did you?
(alarm dings)
Yes, sorry.
No, you're just testing to see if the buzzer's working.
Yes, no we do have a fast response time.
But don't forget Mrs. Washington, you've got a broken knee,
so you're not actually going to die.
(alarm dings)
(sighs) You buzzed?
Oh (bleep).
Oh my god, Nina, he's dying, Nina.
One, two, three, four, five, (exhales).
Mr. Higginsworth I'm so sorry.
Come back, come back to me.
Oh, there you are.
There you are Mr. Higginsworth.
Okay, nothing serious.
That was a bit of a scare.
We're just going to have a look at your charts there.
The doctor has accidentally given you too much of that drug.
But you did insist that the doctor come
and see you instead of me.
So that's actually your fault.
Jeremy, no you're in the hospital.
Jeremy, it's the hospital.
Please sit back down, you've got a broken hip.
Sit down.
No, I'm not your daughter.
No, I'm Nurse Trish.
Jeremy, I'm Nurse Trish, you're in the hospital okay?
Oh, you're pooing as we speak.
Now, Jeremy, no.
Oh, for the love of god.
Okay, yep, throw all that up.
Just throw it up all over me.
I'm already covered in so much piss you can't even tell
that there's a bit of vomit in there as well.
Okay, we're just going to give your child
a small vaccination. No, you don't believe in vaccinations?
Okay, your child is very sick.
So if we don't give them
the vaccination, that's bad.
That's actually not good.
No, you'd rather not have the vaccination?
Okay, all of the medical staff here have a combined
750 billion years medical experience.
Oh, but that doesn't
compare to your three months of motherhood.
Okay Mr. Rogerson I think we're all good to go.
No?
Okay, you're being a bit of a hypochondriac, okay.
Look, I know you live in housing welfare
and it's actually better for you to be staying
in this hospital because it's quite nice.
But your rectum is healed and you are free to go.
Mr. Rogerson, you're free to go.
Mr. Rogerson, you need to go.
Excuse me.
Security to Room 49, please.
Security to Room 49.
What's that Julie, a new patient?
Mr. Rogerson.
Mr Rogerson?
You're fine, would you go home?
Hi Dad.
No, still haven't bought that car.
Don't forget I'm on a nurses salary
so I actually owe the government money for some reason.
Yeah, no, I'm just going to catch the bus home,
drenched in vomit, piss, and urine.