Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Let me see you with your clothes off’
One of our rare double reviews this week as we look at Barbarian Queen.
‘My warriors always seem to have trouble with beautiful women’
and its sequel The Empress strikes back.
‘Women are a waste of time.’
With Lana Clarkson in the title role.
‘I’ll be no man’s slave and no man’s whore’
Preparations for Queen Amathea’s wedding are interrupted, first when her sister is abducted by a garden gnome
'Nothing like a virgin to be brighten a man's morning.'
and then by the attack of bad guys from the big city.
Who enslave her people.
Only Amathea, and her friends Estrild and Tiniara remain.
‘Today was my wedding day. Now the only thing I have left is what might have been. I’m going to get it back’
Not sure that completely tracks but I get what you mean.
‘We’re going after them’
After rescuing sister Taramis.
'That's more like it.'
They reach the city where the leader of the local resistance cell is patching up an injured man.
My lack of depth perception is making this tricky.
The resistance refuse to help, thinking the women are too ill-prepared,
as they sneak out in Princess Leia’s head scarf.
Actually the resistance may have a point.
‘They got caught’ ‘Which of them?’
‘All of them’
They are taken to the crowded dungeons.
You’re in luck, a post just became available.
‘I’m not here to torture you. We have a man who does that.’
We’re quite comfortably off, we also have a pastry chef.
Amathea herself is in the torture chamber.
‘I made this all myself’
in shop class. It’s a spice rack.
This is definitely the scene to which the film has been building.
'She's a strong one.'
'You've broken stronger.'
Estrild meanwhile, has been taken to the obligatory orgy scene,
'Comeon comeon you are not here to supervise.'
where she finds Amathea’s fiancée.
Who has been made a gladiator and definitely isn’t making the best of a bad situation.
‘All the gladiators you can eat’
He assumed Amathea to be dead and is ecstatic to hear the news.
‘I can’t believe she survived’
This may be why he doesn’t play a larger role.
They make a plan to get weapons to the resistance, while Amathea makes a remarkable escape.
‘Stop squeezing – too tight’
And yes, that is exactly what it sounds like.
Amathea and Elstrid bump into each other.
‘You look terrible’
You would not believe what I had to do to get out.
Tiniara by the way was killed by her interrogator.
‘Will you tell me now?’
Why would I tell you anything now?
To be honest, bits of the plan eluded me
but it gets the Dark Corners Return of The Jedi award for significant nodding.
#Dumm#
Other than that, it relies 100% on a child knocking down two gladiators faster than an axe can fall,
cue some action
and a happy ending.
Except that five years later Barbarian Queen 2 arrived
and I can’t wait to see what Amathea did next,
'No, nobody is going to make a lady out of me.'
Well she upgraded from that grass hut she was living in.
‘You look lovely Athalia’
and changed her name.
This isn’t a sequel, it’s a completely separate story on the same theme.
‘Girls are stronger than you think’
like Krzysztof Kieslowski’s Three Colours trilogy.
Not much like, but… you know.
‘Trust your power to the daughter of such who held it in another time,’
'Trust in me what no man can touch, without the blessing of womankind.'
This time Clark’s Athalia, is heir to the throne but unable to claim it.
‘Do you have the power now?’
I’m not He-Man.
Forcing her to go on the run and join a group of outlaws in the forest.
'She's had a rough enough day already.'
Once she has proved herself, of course.
Oh no, now they’ll have to wrestle in mud.
What an unfortunate and unexpected turn of events.
Not the subtlest way of ensuring a bit of nudity, but still more subtle than the first film.
‘Clothes off’
It’s a spin on Robin Hood, though it also owes a debt to Jacques Tourneur’s The Flame and the Arrow.
And apart from dumb guards and a habit of leaving dungeons unlocked,
it only really has one thing in common with the first film.
'It always amazes me that people on the wrong side always accuse the other of being guilty.'
At least she got to keep her top on this time.
'And see you stripped of the dignity of clothing.'
Spoke too soon.
‘What and awesomely disgusting sight’
And Athalia’s escape from the torture machine, while very different to Amathea’s is no better.
‘We’ll leave you Alathia, to think about what you want to tell us’
Shall we leave a guard, lock the door? No why bother.
The hero is once again a problem,
but again, a very different one.
'She may be right my lord.'
Aurion just watches as his long time crush is marched off,
then signs up to marry the new King’s daughter.
‘You’d like to be my King, wouldn’t you?’
'I've never really thought about it.'
Without even the backbone to stand up for himself.
‘I don’t like this food, give me your Aurion’
Wow what a pussy.
He is second in command of the slave train,
‘The troops are ready’ ‘Good, get that rabble moving faster,’
but when the outlaws attack...
‘Don’t kill him!’
He is spared.
as, by the way is bad guy Hofrax, whom they mock and then send back home.
‘Why don’t you just kill me?’
Excellent question.
Aurion gets different treatment during his captivity.
And you might think this is the turning point, now he’s on the good guys side.
‘She honestly believes that peasants are as good as we are’
No. In fact he’s put in charge of stringing up innocent peasants.
‘And I held you when you were a baby’
He’s not all bad.
‘Go easy on her’
before we hang her.
Athalia and friends arrive in disguise.
‘Let them pass’
So he’s a good guy as long as there’s plausible deniability.
But when Athalia is strapped to the torture machine I think we all know what’s he’ll do.
‘Come on!’
I’d like to help but the little woman won’t have it.
‘You’re such a weakling’
She gets it. He does go back later of course.
I brought you a blanket.
and he does plan to rescue her,
'I swear to you on my life we are leaving this castle now.'
just after her friends arrive.
#Attention seeking cough - I mean they could have helped, not sure why they just sitting in shadows through all this.#
'Now that sounds like a plan.'
And at the end, this is Athalia’s happy ending.
Just going through the plots and cherrypicking scenes, the Barbarian Queen films sound of a muchness.
‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing’
But they’re not.
The first film for all its faults, its ridiculousness and its unavoidable perviness...
is pacey and entertaining enough.
The Empress Strikes Back – a film with no empress in it – outside of a few memorable characters.
‘Oh that looks wonderfully uncomfortable’
is damn near inert.
And the ending, which I haven’t really touched on, relies on a father being unable to recognise his daughter if she lets her hair down.
‘Father?’
Conclusion; they’re both stupid, but only one is boring.
‘It isn’t true’
Thanks for watching. For more sword and sandal reviews click here.
We don’t do a lot of twofer reviews, what other duos should we check out.
Let us know in the comments below.
'Don't do anything I wouldn't do.'