Yes, it turns out President Trump is so embarrassed
by his hurricane blunder that his administration threatened
to fire any weather officials
who wouldn't back up his alternative facts.
And, guys,
the NOAA doesn't have time for this.
-Their job is to monitor hurricanes. -MAN: Yeah!
If they're distracted by Trump's beefs,
you realize what could happen.
We could have a giant backlog of hurricanes.
They can't come in. Yeah.
Because, without their hurricane permits,
they're not allowed to come into the country.
It's a whole process.
You have to get your name, your category.
It's just like they're waiting in line, like,
"Hey, what's goin' on?
We're trying to get in!"
(laughter, clapping)
It's just, like, a whole-- a whole thing.
And while the Weather Service is trying to deal
with Trump's hurricane beef,
he's already started another one.
The president also sparked a beef with John Legend
and his wife, Chrissy Teigen, last night.
Uh, it apparently happened after he watched
an MSNBC special with Lester Holt and John Legend
on efforts to fix the broken criminal justice system.
He tweeted, in part... (reading):
John Legend responded, tweeting this...
(reading):
Chrissy Teigen also responded.
Her tweet, uh, we cannot put on-air
due to its vulgarity.
(laughter)
That's right. Donald Trump lashed out at John Legend
and Chrissy Teigen because he feels like
they're taking credit for achieving
criminal justice reform instead of giving him the praise.
Now, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen both hit back
at the commander in tweet. You saw John's reply.
But Chrissy Teigen's response
was too vulgar for the news to repeat.
Luckily, we're not the news.
(cheering and applause)
So...
here it is.
Trump called her "John Legend's filthy-mouthed wife."
But because he didn't have the guts to tag her on Twitter,
Chrissy Teigen called him "a pussy ass bitch."
(cheering and applause)
And...
and, to be honest, to be honest,
I don't know why the news can't say that on-air.
It's a well-known medical condition
in which a bitch's ass is replaced by a pussy.
And I think the more we talk about it in society,
the more we can destigmatize this serious disease.
So, Trump's beefing with the weather
and he's beefing with celebrities.
But there's one Trump beef
that might actually have major real-world consequences.
REPORTER: A developing story out of Washington this morning.
President Trump revealing in a tweet
that he had been planning a secret meeting
-with the Taliban. -REPORTER 2: Tonight, the White House
had hoped to surprise the world
with the Taliban at Camp David signing a peace deal,
as President Trump tweeted Saturday night...
(reading):
-(siren wailing) -But the president canceled
the secret summit after Thursday's suicide bombing
at a Kabul checkpoint. Trump said in his tweet
that he immediately canceled the peace talks, asking,
"How many more decades are they willing to fight?"
Okay, this story's wild.
Over the weekend, Trump tweeted out
that he was canceling a secret meeting
he had planned with the Taliban
because they had launched an attack in Afghanistan.
And this came out of the blue, because no one knew
Trump had scheduled peace talks with the Taliban.
Like, what Trump did here is like your best friend
telling you that he's getting a divorce and you're like,
"I didn't even know you were married."
And he's like, "Yeah, dude. It just wasn't gonna work out.
She killed 11 people in Afghanistan. It was crazy."
This whole thing was wild. Did you hear what they said?
They were like-- they wanted to surprise the nation.
Yeah, everyone would've been surprised if they were like,
"The Taliban's at Camp David." "I'm sorry, what?"
"Surprise!" It's the worst surprise in the world.
And, now, if you're still confused by the story,
you're not the only one.
But as far as we can understand from what's being reported,
here's what they say really happened.
Over the past nine years, the U.S. government
has been trying to get a peace deal with the Taliban
to end the war in Afghanistan. Right?
In the past few weeks, it looked like that deal
was close to happening.
But when Trump heard about this deal,
he demanded that the Taliban come to Camp David in America
to sign the deal with him on camera
so that he would get the praise.
But the Taliban didn't want to come to America,
firstly, because they don't trust the United States,
uh, which I understand.
They're like, uh, "We're not coming there."
And, secondly,
because they probably don't want to deal with the TSA.
(laughter)
Can you imagine how stressful that shit's gonna be for them?
(applause)
Just gonna come in...
(applause and cheering)
...as the Taliban?
You have to fill out the little forms.
The guy at the TSA's gonna be like,
"So, uh, what do you do for a living?"
Be like, "I'm the leader of the Taliban."
"So you're a terrorist?"
"Yes, but not for this trip, okay? Not for this trip.
This time, I'm off the clock."
So the Taliban refused to come to America,
and Trump tweeted out, "No, I'm breaking up with you guys."
And, so, there is a possibility
that the war in Afghanistan will continue now
because Trump has put a photo opportunity above peace.
-(audience groaning) -Yeah.
Which, according to WebMD,
is a classic symptom of a pussy ass bitch.