This is why I don't... *sighs* this is why I don't upload that much
*gucci western music enters*
It all starts with me filming a video. Ya know, what youtubers do.
Usually I'm feeling good, I'm feeling pumped, I'm excited!
I'm inspired to be filming a video. And I'm like, yeah! This is the week where I start uploading consistently.
This is THE WEEK!
I'm fucking ready! Little do I know though what's coming next.
Once I'm finished filming I usually start editing immediately because I'm feeling so
freaking inspired that I don't even know what else to do with my life
I have no option but to start editing. I feel productive. I feel good. I feel ready
I'm excited. For the first couple of days of editing, it's easy. It's fun. I'm enjoying it,
I'll spend hours in a day editing
and it feels like nothing. It'll literally feel like it's what my body was meant to do
BUT since my videos take like, 30 hours to edit, I quickly start to feel like it will never end not to mention
I'm getting sick of the video that I'm editing because I've had to watch it so many different times
that I start to think that nothing about it is entertaining, funny uh ... worth watching whatsoever
Basically, I start hating it. By the third or fourth day of editing, things are definitely going south.
I start to realize that I'm running out of time. because my goal is always to upload once a week
So if I upload it on a Sunday the week before, my goal is to upload the next Sunday
But by my third or fourth day of editing I realize that that's not ...
...
... going to probably happen realistically.
Unless I pull a few all-nighters or do nothing fun with my life except for editing for the next few days.
Sadly, I can't remember the last time I uploaded on time.
It's also f**ked up because it's a schedule I put into my own mind
I never say 'oh, hey guys, I upload once a week'
I upload whenever I want, but my goal is always to upload once a week
because I have this kind of 'mental calendar' or mental kind of schedule.
when I don't fulfill it, it makes me feel like a fucking loser. :(
I start getting so anxious
about the fact that I'm not gonna finish the video
that I basically have a meltdown like basically a temper tantrum
what you had when you were a toddler and stuff
like I'm like that my relationship with editing starts getting SO toxic
that I literally just
CAN't do it. And because I'm not editing and doing what I know I should be doing I start HATIng myself.
It makes my self-esteem PLuMMET. So let's talk about the temper tantrum, obviously
I'm crying because I'm a sensitive ass bitch and crying is one of my favorite hobbies
Anyway, if you've ever cried before, you know
(gentle lip lick) how it fucking goes: once you start crying about one thing you start crying about
EVERYTHING that's going on in your life and you can't stop
usually to try to get the crying to stop
I'll call my parents and try to talk it out with them
So I'll be like hey guys. This is what's f**king going on. Again. This is happening again, umm and I'm crying and erram
Yea, the crying goes on for a 'few hours', usually sometimes two sometimes four.
I feel bad for my parents
honestly, I don't know how they deal with me,
but eventually I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I start to feel better and iiii
start recovering from my f**king meltdown :)
But obviously I have to try to find ways to make myself feel better because it's not gonna just mend itself
okay?? I have to try to find stuff that'll distract me and make me love my life again, basically, uHHH eh
Sorry, this is getting kind of dark but it's not that big of a deal. I promise :D
here are some of the things that I do to make myself feel better
number one I clean a lot
I do this when I feel shitty because it makes me feel productive
...even though I'm not actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing which is editing and working,
it allows me to basically just do a responsibility while also avoiding responsibilities
it's really kind of dark but it helps it gets the point where I'm literally
cleaning and organizing stuff that doesn't really need to be organized or cleaned
But at least it just makes me feel kind of good (bless) and if you think about it
It could be a LOT worse. I could literally be snorting f**king coke, (not today bitch) so I don't know
I'm not complaining. Another thing I've done before is try to find a f**king hobby. like the other day
I went to Walmart and got a skateboard for fun. I don't know I was like this could be good for me?!?
So I bought a penny board and I just started skating around in my garage. I'm not good at it
But as I said before it's better than snorting coke. Another thing is I go hang out with friends. Right now
that is not an option in my life because they're all out of town
*sadface*
So I'm just chillin by myself
and skateboarding in my f**king garage.
I don't know *whoops* It's kind of sad
:another thing:
I'm not really proud of this one, but I do a lot of online shopping
It also explains why I have soo many clothes and I don't really need them
...
err but I want them
One of my biggest things that I do is I just take naps.
After you have like a f**king meltdown
There's nothing better than taking a nap when you cry really good and then you sleep really good that shit,
it's f**king...
That's some shit right there. That's some good shit right there
The last thing that I can think of for now is taking a walk...
I've never really done this before when having a meltdown,
but I had one like two days ago, and I just
decided I would take a walk
because I didn't want to be in my apartment anymore
So I walked over to 7-eleven and got a coconut water. And I mean I.. enjoyed my experience...
it was a nice day out got some fresh air some creepy old man on the bike started talking to me and
harassing me and
I didn't like that but I got out of that situation pretty easily. So it was no big deal
I mean at least someone talked to me, you know what I mean?
Anyway after I do a few of those activities and make myself feel better. My mood is usually kind of back up
It usually takes about two days and then I'm feeling good again. And it's time to try again at this point
There's two ways that things can go -
number one I finish editing the video that I initially wanted to edit
and I feel amazing even though I uploaded it probably later than I wanted to
actually, definitely later than I wanted to at least it's up and I feel F**king great
but
sometimes it's not that easy aaand
I'm so sick of the video that I was originally editing that I delete ALL OF IT and act like it never happened
this SUcks because usually at this point I've already put about twenty hours into a video that now is deleted
BUT it doesn't matter to me
because I'm not inspired by the video anymore and so working on it would just make me even more depressed
So, SORRY that was so dark
uuuu
uuum
oooo
I didn't really expect it to be like thissss, but I'm being honest.
That's the answer though. That's *why* I don't upload that much (roll credits)
I'm doing my best though, and I'm getting better and I'm trying to figure out solutions
find a system that works for me
So that I can do all this while having a good mindset as much as possible
Obviouslyyy, you're not gonna be good all the time. You're not gonna feel good all the time
There's gonna be times when you're discouraged or you feel like you don't love what you're doing
Even though at the end of the day you Do love what you're doing
It's all about finding a balance in figuring it out for yourself. I'm figuring it out. I'm figuring it out!
Although I can't get videos up as much as I PERSONALLY want to because at the end of the day
It's what YOU want to do. You got to do it for yourself and that's something I'm learning
I have to be making these videos cuz I enjoy watching them and cuz I enjoy making them
I don't know if that makes sense
But whatever.. at the end of the day though - I'm always proud of the video that I post
So even if I didn't post it on time
Or I took a longer break than I wanted or my 'meltdown' was a little bit worse than usual at the end of the day
The videos that I put out are videos that I'm proud of and that's....
the fucking tea sis ;)
Anyway, thank YOU for supporting me even though I'm a fucking mess. I'm a mess
Like I mean, ok, like what is this video?
This video is just me explaining how I'm a mess basically, but that's okay cuz that's what
weee signed up for
This is what we signed up for. I didn't know I was gonna be like this when I was born
I didn't choose this life. It chose me the meltdown life F**king chose me,
but I
appreciate you <3 for supporting me throughout my
growth process and trying to figure out
everything and I don't think I'll ever figure it out because I just think
that the way that I do best is being a little bit of a mess
I think that if you're at your full creative potential
you're gonna wanna diE half the time
I don't know. Maybe that's not true. Whatever. I appreciate you a lot
I already said that but I'm saying it again cuz I don't know
I'm not good at verbalizing my love for people probably because I have past trauma in my life,
but that's beside the point
But I'm gonna fucking stop being a pussy and I'm gonna tell you that
I love you, and I appreciate you and I'm very grateful for you <33
I wanted to start thanking you more but I realized ok now is just overkill. So I'm just gonna stop now. Okay?
BYE?
I made this in a very short amount of time because I got this idea while I was getting my nails done today and
Then I was like f**k it
I just need to make this video before I have another meltdown and I can say that so far,
I've not had a meltdown yet (bless) So I think I'm doing pretty good right now
That's it, and I'll see you in God knows how fucking long because
we all know that I can't get a video up consistently
so maybe see you in two weeks, maybe i'll see you in like four days
who f**king knows!
I love you, k bye <3
*peaceful techno music*
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