-Guys, we are just one week away from Halloween.
That's right. Millions of Americans are buying candy
for trick-or-treaters, which they will rebuy
in six days after they polish it off themselves.
That's right. Halloween is on a weekday this year.
Parents are like, "You mean, I get to work a full day
and
Wow. Awesome."
I love Halloween. There's so many fun costumes,
like, sexy nurse, sexy cop,
sexy indicted Trump staffer.
You know, a fun costume.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But if you're still looking for a costume, look no further.
This year, you can actually dress up
as a sexy sold-out Popeyes chicken sandwich.
Take a look. This is real.
There you go. Yeah.
Most people called it ridiculous
while the President called the Statue of Liberty and said,
"You've been replaced."
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news here.
Just when it seemed like things in Washington,
couldn't get any crazier, check out what happened earlier today.
-We start with a bizarre turn on Capitol Hill
when as many as two dozen House Republicans,
upset over the impeachment inquiry,
stormed a secure hearing room.
-Yeah, Republicans stormed a closed-door meeting
to protest the impeachment inquiry.
Even crazier, they used Mike Pence as a battering ram.
"Ooh! Ooh!"
-"Mother. Mother."
-"Mother! Mother! Mother! Ooh, ooh!"
The Republicans actually stormed the room as a Pentagon employee
was moments away from testifying about Ukraine.
'Cause nothing says completely innocent
like storming the room of someone about to testify.
"Don't let him talk! Don't let him talk!
Get in there, quick. Get in there!
Don't let him talk."
[ Muffled shouting ]
It really turned into an ugly scene among Republicans.
I haven't seen that many angry white guys
since NBC canceled "Frasier."
Things are pretty chaotic in Washington.
I read that a lot of reporters think this has been
one of the worst weeks of Trump's entire presidency,
which is really impressive when you realize it's only Wednesday.
[ Laughter ]
Yesterday was really damaging to Trump
after a U.S. diplomat, Bill Taylor, told Congress
that Trump withheld military funding from Ukraine
unless they agreed to investigate
his political rivals.
I'm not saying Trump is nervous, but when he saw the testimony,
he was like...
-[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
Some 2020 news this week.
There have been a lot of reports
about how more Democratic candidates are thinking about
jumping into the presidential race.
It's not clear who exactly is --
[ Woman laughing evilly ]
H--
Hillary Clinton, is that you?
[ Laughter ]
-That's right, Jimmy. It's me!
And just like Mitt Romney's secret Twitter,
I'm always lurking.
[ Laughing evilly ]
-I'm sorry. Where exactly are you right now?
-I'm ever present, Jimmy.
Always around you, forever at end.
-Yeah, but, really, where are you?
-Well, I'm in an air duct, Jimmy.
[ Thud ] Oh! Gosh.
-All right, well, can we have somebody help
Hillary Clinton out of the air duct?
-See you in New Hampshire! [ Laughs evilly ]
-Oh, my God. I hope you're okay.
Hillary Clinton in an air duct, everyone.
I think she's up in that one.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some business news. I saw that Tiffany's
just released an advent calendar that costs $112,000.
Yeah. Exactly like Jesus intended.
-Aww.
-Anyway, here it is. This is the real thing.
Yeah. It's four feet tall.
According to Tiffany's, behind the first three doors
are everyday objects
like a cup, a clothes pin, and a harmonica.
[ Laughter ]
If the first three gifts
are a cup, a clothes pin, and a harmonica,
the fourth better be filled with $111,000.
That's all I'm saying...
[ Cheers and applause ]
If I'm gonna buy that... -Yeah.
[ Applause ]
-Well, guys, Pizza Hut is testing
environmentally friendly boxes that you can actually compost.
It wasn't that hard.
The box is made out of pizza from Papa John's.
-Oh.
Ha ha!
-I know. It's good cardboard. It's good cardboard.
Speaking of pizza, after 23 years,
the Sbarro pizza in Times Square
is closing its doors for good this week.
[ Audience awws ]
I think every New Yorker is feeling a little down about it,
so I wanted to take a moment to pay tribute to our old friend.
♪♪
♪ Standin' on the corner by the Port Authority ♪
♪ And I just heard the news that you're gonna leave ♪
♪ Wish you weren't going, but I guess you must ♪
♪ Every slice of life always leaves the crust ♪
♪ Leaving us alone, and I hate to sound needy ♪
♪ But I'm missing your calzone and your baked ziti ♪
♪ Can't believe it's over after all these years ♪
♪ Gonna need a cup for water and a cup for my tears ♪
♪ 'Cause I would climb Mount Kilimanjaro ♪
♪ To get you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ A 12-inch pie with a side of sorrow ♪
♪ Come back soon, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ Want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
♪ Here today, gone tomorrow ♪
♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪