- Hello, everyone.
So this week is Sexual Health Week.
I know, we just had World Sexual Health Day,
now it's Sexual Health Week.
We're just making all of the content
about all of the sexual health days.
It's 'cause I got that calendar.
So I know when things are happening now.
Sexual Health Week in the UK is run by Brook
who I'm an ambassador for.
They are a young person's sexual health charity,
and the theme this year is consent.
Now, I could have done a whole video
about just like the do's and don'ts of consent,
but instead, one of the things
that I have been coming across a lot recently,
and also just been thinking about more generally recently,
is how our understanding of consent has evolved.
You'd think that consent was just consent, right?
But no, we just have to go and make it more complicated.
No, I don't think it's more complicated.
I think as our understanding has evolved,
it's actually made things clearer.
So in this video, I want to take us on a journey
through a few different models of consent, how they work,
what they mean, what its strengths are,
what its pitfalls are,
and why we have maybe evolved
into new understandings of consent.
For the most part,
I'll be using gender neutral language in this video.
However, we can't talk about consent
without talking about rape culture
and we can't talk about rape culture
without acknowledging how gendered it is,
with the majority of perpetrators being men
and the majority of victims and survivors being women.
Of course, we should be supporting all survivors
of sexual violence, whatever their gender
and the gender of their perpetrator,
and at the same time making sure we don't forget
to address sexism and misogyny.
I'll leave some links in the description
to some resources and support
around sexual abuse and violence
for men, women, and non-binary folks.
So our first model of consent is no means no.
This phrase was coined by the Women's Movement in the 1970s
and it was used in many rape prevention campaigns.
And you may recognise it
if you ever experienced sex ed in school.
No means no, kids.
So no means no is about the responsibility
to listen to and respect a no, when you hear one.
It's also about the responsibility to say no
if you don't want the sex.
However, how easy is it to say no?
And here, it's really important to think about
how acceptable or not acceptable it is
to say a direct no in our culture,
even in nonsexual situations.
Somebody asks you if you want to do something,
do you tell them no directly
or do you come up with an excuse,
or do you say you're busy,
or do you lie, or do you go along with it anyway
even if you don't want to?
Saying no in our culture is not normalised at all.
It is so difficult to say no just to like a social hang
that maybe you don't want to go on
or a party that you don't want to go to.
So how easy do you think it is to say no
in sexual situations?
Sex is incredibly vulnerable
and often people don't have the confidence to say no
or they might feel like they don't have the right to say no.
Marital rape was legal in the UK until the early 1990s.
You legally couldn't say no to your spouse.
Within a no means no consent model,
perpetrators can use the excuse of,
"Well she didn't say no."
And essentially consent is presumed unless it is withdrawn.
So whilst no means no did some great work
and I mean, it was my understanding of consent
as a teenager and young adult for a long time,
it definitely isn't enough to actually deal with the reality
of how people interact with each other
and, specifically, power dynamics
in sexual relationships as well.
And that brings us onto affirmative consent
and this emerged in the 1990s.
And if the previous one was no means no,
then affirmative consent is yes means yes.
Affirmative consent means
that the absence of a no is not enough
and the absence of a no does not indicate consent.
The focus here is on the yes,
whether that's a verbal or a non-verbal agreement to sex.
The affirmative consent model leads to women's role in sex,
not just being one of potential refusal.
And this model was very much adopted by universities
in their consent policies and by the law.
However, is affirmative consent enough?
It frames sex as something that one person wants
and the other person either accepts that offer
or refuses it.
And in the case of heterosexual relationships,
very much, the man that offers and the woman
whose responsibility it is to accept or refuse.
Do you want sex?
Yes or no, and those are your only options.
Many people, especially women
and other marginalised genders,
agree to sex or consent to sex that they do not want
because they feel like they have no other choice.
And this is often down to an inequality of power
in relationships, in regards to gender,
but it's also exacerbated by other marginalised identities
that people may hold such as trans status, sexuality,
disability, immigration status, race, and class.
So where do we go from affirmative consent?
Well, welcome to the party, enthusiastic consent.
This is very much a level up.
We've evolved.
This is not just about agreeing to sex
that was somebody else's idea,
but sex being something that you are excited about
and you are enthusiastic about engaging in.
The focus with enthusiastic consent
is about mutual pleasure and desire, which is amazing.
And this model is very much championed
within the sex positive movement.
However, we can't ignore all of the the people,
who are consenting to sex, that they don't sexually desire.
The model of enthusiastic consent can fall
into the trap of labelling all non enthusiastic consent
as non-consent and therefore rape.
For example, there are lots of people that consent to sex
that they don't enthusiastically desire
in the way that we would expect from enthusiastic consent,
in that, they are sexually aroused
and feeling sexual desire and really horny and turned on.
That could include people like sex workers, asexual people,
and, from personal experience,
people trying to get pregnant.
Sexual desire, enthusiasm for sex,
and seeking pleasure are not the only reasons
that people may wants to have sex.
Research done in 2007, found 237 reasons
why people wanted to have sex
and I'm just gonna read a few of them for you
because we're not gonna get through the whole list.
I was in the heat of the moment.
It just happened.
I was bored.
It just seemed like the thing to do.
Someone dared me.
I desired emotional closeness.
I wanted to feel closer to God.
I wanted to gain acceptance from my friends.
It's exciting, adventurous.
I wanted to make up after a fight.
I wanted to get rid of aggression.
I was under the influence of drugs.
I wanted to have something to tell my friends.
I wanted to express my love for the person.
I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
I wanted to show my affection to the person.
I felt like I owed it to the person.
I was attracted to the person.
I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.
It feels good.
My partner kept insisting.
The person was famous
and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with them.
I wanted the person to love me.
I wanted to have a child.
I wanted to make someone else jealous.
I wanted to have more sex than my friends.
I was married and you're supposed to.
I was tired of being a virgin.
I was horny.
I wanted to feel loved.
I was feeling lonely.
Everyone else was having sex.
I wanted the attention.
There's just the taster.
I'll leave a link in the description to this entire list,
so you can have a peruse for yourself.
And I know I mentioned a quote from this book
in my last video,
but honestly, it's just full of so many good nuggets.
Here's something that Katherine Angel said
in "Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again"
that I think is really important.
"If consenting to sex
must also involve desire or enthusiasm,
the implication is that those consenting to sex
without desire, sex workers, for example,
have not really consented.
This makes the overriding
of their agreement, their assault, meaningless,
which in turn makes the protection
of sex workers difficult."
So here's the thing.
Enthusiastic consent is great.
And in a lot of sexual encounters,
it should absolutely be the thing that we are striving for.
But it becomes messy if we try and apply it
as a universal standard of consent.
So what's next?
Entering the ring, we have authentic consent.
This is a framework developed
by sex educator Dr. Nadine Thornhill.
I'll leave links to her work and her social media
in the description.
She is amazing.
This is a framework for consent
that I first came across on her Instagram
and I'm just gonna read what she said about it.
"Authentic sexual consent is an agreement that is motivated
by people's sincere desire to have sex
for reasons that may include,
but aren't limited to, pleasure exploration, generosity,
love, baby-making or because it's their job.
Authentic consent can be enthusiastic.
It can also be optimistically awkward,
a means to an end or entirely transactional.
But at its foundation,
it's always about folks agreeing to have sex
because it's what they want."
I love this framework, especially, because it leads me
to thinking about sexual authenticity more generally.
We're given a very small box
of what kind of sexual desire, behaviours, and relationships
are seen as healthy, normal, and appropriate.
But for many people, and I would potentially argue
for most or all people, even cis heterosexual,
monogamous, vanilla people,
this box is too small and too restrictive
and it doesn't feel authentic
to our identities, desires, or experiences.
And I would just love to know in the comments,
whatever you are happy sharing,
what kinds of sexual relationships
or behaviours feel authentic to you?
So I want now to take us beyond consent
and to think of different ways of giving and receiving
and going about our sexual relationships.
Let me introduce to you, Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent.
So this is Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent.
Betty Martin is a sexologist and intimacy coach,
and she has put tonnes of free resources
about the Wheel of Consent online
if you want to look deeper into it.
This is just going to be my very quick
and dirty interpretation.
So with the Wheel of Consent, you've got your two axis
and your four quadrants.
This axis is about action.
You've got the doer and you've got the done to.
And this axis is about pleasure.
You've got the giver and the receiver.
And so the relationship dynamics work in these directions.
So if you are the doer and you are the giver,
then you are doing something for someone else's pleasure,
and that is called the serve category.
On the other side, if you are the receiver and the done to
then you are accepting something from someone else
for your own pleasure,
and that is the accept quadrant.
On this side, if you are the doer and the receiver,
then you are doing something to someone else
for your own pleasure,
and you are then in the take quadrant.
And on the other side of that if you are the giver
and the done to, then you are allowing someone else
to do something to you for their pleasure.
Does that make sense?
So each of these quadrants are different forms of consent
and one of my favourite things about the Wheel of Consent
is how hot and sexy it can be if you just focus
on which quadrant you are in.
So rather than with every single thing that you do
during sex, being like,
oh making sure that I'm getting pleasure from it,
making sure that they're getting pleasure from it,
making sure that everyone is happy, which can work,
but instead if you try something like this,
where you're like,
for this 15 minutes, it's about my pleasure
and I want to do this,
or for this 15 minutes, it's about your pleasure
and I'm going to do this.
If you focus in on one of these. (hums excitedly)
So yes links in the description
if you wanna find more info about the Wheel of Consent
and also Betty Martin has a book
called "The Art of Receiving and Giving."
An idea that I came across recently is ethical sex.
So consensual sex is legal sex
and non-consensual sex is illegal sex
and should probably not even be called sex
because it is rape or sexual assault.
Consent is the requirement for something to even be sex,
but we can have consensual bad sex,
and so what we want is good sex.
And everyone's definition of good sex will be different
depending on what you're into,
but some of the general foundations for
are trust and respect, great communication,
feeling safe physically, emotionally
and safe to express yourself and be vulnerable,
feeling present and connected,
having fun and experiencing pleasure,
and compatibility and shared values.
Are you into the same things
and does sex mean the same thing to you
as the other person or people?
Dr. Chris Donaghue, who is a sex therapist,
talks about ethical sex in his book, "Rebel Love."
And he says that good sex is ethical sex.
So what is ethical sex?
He says that ethical sex and relationships
is about an awareness that we are relational beings
and that our interactions, however big or small,
can have an impact on somebody else,
however big or small.
So it's about focusing on how what you do
and what you say can leave an impact on others
and trying to leave a positive impact.
And then it's also about checking in with how you feel
before, during, and after sex.
Do I feel good about it or does the sex make me feel bad?
Should I be having this kind of sex?
Should I be having sex with this person?
How does it make you feel?
And ultimately, it's about compassion for other people
whether they're a long-term partner or a one night stand.
Thank you so much for watching.
I really hope that you enjoyed this video
and I'd love to hear your thoughts
on all of these different models and frameworks of consent
in the comments.
Did you know about them?
Is there any new stuff that you learned?
What are your thoughts on them
in terms of like the pros and the cons of each one?
Thanks again for watching.
Happy Sexual Health Week
and I'll see you in my next video.
Bye.
(bright music)