-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, earlier tonight, President Biden delivered
his first joint address to Congress
on the eve of his 100th day in office.
Last time someone in their 70s got that much applause,
they were doing "Da Butt."
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah! [ Laughter ]
-Come on. -That's right.
The Capitol took center stage tonight,
and I got to be honest, it was nice to see someone
behind the podium who wasn't wearing deer antlers and a pelt.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was a fun night for Democrats.
On the other hand, Republicans didn't seem too thrilled.
They looked like they just heard their best hope
in 2024 is Randy Quaid.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, Vice President Kamala Harris sat behind Biden.
She had a spray bottle just in case he started
drifting off topic.
It's like -- "Joe, Joe, Joe!
No, Joe! No, stop!" [ Laughter and applause ]
"Let's get on with it. Come on.
Back -- Focus."
Due to COVID, this was not a typical joint address.
For instance, all the lawmakers were seated far apart
for social distancing, which was too bad
'cause they couldn't do the usual Congressional kiss cam.
[ Laughter ]
On CBS, the address aired right after
"The Price is Right at Night,"
which was why Biden was introduced with,
"Joe Biden, come on down!"
♪♪
[ Applause ]
Yeah, I think there might have been a cross promotion,
because after unveiling his American Families Plan,
Biden was like, "And the actual retail price, $1.8 trillion!"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, during his address,
Biden unveiled his $1.8 trillion American Families Plan.
At first, people thought he said "American Family Plan,"
like we're all going to hop on the same Verizon account.
It's like, "It's a genius idea! We all share the same bill!
300 million people."
A big part of the plan includes free universal preschool.
-Whoo! -Yeah, I think that's --
[ Cheers and applause ] I think that's pretty good.
Pretty good, considering sending your kid to preschool now
is just handing them an iPad.
[ Laughter ]
Now this is big. Earlier today,
federal Investigators raided Rudy Giuliani's
Manhattan apartment and office
because of his dealings in Ukraine.
When the agents walked in, Rudy got so nervous,
he started sweating hair dye
and tucking all the evidence down his pants.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Borat ] "My wife." [ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice] Rudy was like, "Why, I have nothing to hide
except for everything past this door."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Rudy panicked and called his lawyer,
then when his own phone started ringing,
he panicked even more. [ Laughter ]
"No!"
Well, guys, a lot of people have road trips planned this summer,
but I just saw that gas stations all over the country
could run out of gas in the coming months.
It's gonna be a tough summer, especially because gasoline
is the main ingredient in White Claw Surge.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
There's my man. One area.
-Wow! [ Laughter ]
Now you know. -That's it, yeah.
The people waiting online for "The Tonight Show,"
everybody gets a White Claw Surge.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
That is a rowdy area. That -- [ Laughs ]
My God. -[ Laughs ]
-Meanwhile, toymaker Hasbro just said that it would
raise the prices of its games and toys
as the cost of raw materials increases.
Yeah, now they're just selling boxes that say,
"Toy not included." [ Laughter ]
Some more business news -- Chipotle is giving away
250,000 burritos to nurses and healthcare workers
in honor of National Nurses Day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Not only is that great news for healthcare workers,
but I think we also just solved the gas shortage.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
I saw that Rotten Tomatoes now ranks "Paddington 2"
ahead of "Citizen Kane" as the best reviewed film of all time.
White Claw people love "Paddington 2."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Yeah, "Paddington 2." It's a great movie,
but it's pretty surprising that the number-one slot
isn't one of Paddington's more dramatic movies.
I mean, just this year, he was in "NoPantsLand."
[ Laughter ]
Year before that, he was in "Bearasite."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Thinking ] That's it, Tariq. Just keep fake laughing.
It is almost the weekend.
-There's also "Mar Me By Your Lade."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Thinking ] Man, I was at the Oscars on Sunday.
I should have stayed my ass in L.A.
-And, of course, who could forget classics like
"The Coatbook."
-Holy [bleep] This is great!
Fallon, you've changed the late-night game once again.
[ Laughing ]
-And, of course, "Bravehat."
[ Laughter ] [ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
[ Laughing ] -Glad you guys enjoyed that.
-Oh, my God. -That bit.
-[ Laughing ] "Bravehat"!
-Some, uh... [ Laughter ]
Some more entertainment news.
After the success of "Godzilla vs. Kong,"
they're already thinking about the next movie,
which could be called "Son of Kong."
-Ooh. -Yep.
It starts with King Kong going, "You're my son?
Damn, that clinic said that you'd never be able to find me."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it is about a giant ape who doesn't want to go into
his family's lizard-punching business.
"I'm different than you, Dad!"
[ Laughter ]
And this is fun -- they're also planning a movie
that takes place before "Son of Kong,"
called "How I Met Your Monkey."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing loudly ]
[ Laughter ]
-Well, guys -- [ Laughter ]
Well, guys, it's now been over a year since we all got on Zoom,
and yet some people are still getting the hang of it,
even people on the news.
So you know what that means. It's time for another
installment of "Greatest Moments in Zoom History."
Enjoy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And it went viral because --
-As soon as the Congresswoman said "viral," she froze.
-I now call upon the prime minister
of the Republic of India, his excellency Narendra Modi.
-Your excellency, President Biden.
[ Phone dialing ]
Colleagues. My fellow citizens.
[ Phone dialing ]
-Well, I guess we could, you know,
good old college try, I suppose.
-[ No audio ]
[ Laughter ]
-If you're near the White House,
what's the mood like among the crowd there?
[ Repetitive static ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughing ]
[ Loud tapping ]
At this point, we've all heard some crazy conspiracy theories
about the vaccine, but check out how a doctor
reacted yesterday when a Republican lawmaker
was pressing him on one of the theories.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on.
-The lawmaker was then like, "Okay. So maybe I won't ask
my next question about the vaccine
turning us into wolf people." [ Laughter ]
He could have saved himself some embarrassment
if he had just looked up the answer
on the tracking device in his pocket.
[ Laughter ]
The phone is tracking you, buddy!
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Fitbit says I did 10,000 --"
Yeah, it knows exactly where you stepped.
I heard about a mix-up at a vaccination site
that put one California woman in a peculiar situation,
but she doesn't seem to be too worried about it.
Listen to this. -89 years of life,
Joanne Lawton's learned one very important lesson.
-What good would it do to be afraid of anything?
-Even after she got her COVID-19 vaccine,
the first dose from Pfizer and the second from Moderna.
-How do you feel that you have two separate --
-I feel no different, and I don't give a darn.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's what I'm talking about. [ Laughs ]
-Yeah. -That's what I am talking about.
That Republican lawmaker was like, "Geez.
Now you have two tracking devices in you!"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a man in Oklahoma got into a bit of an accident
while trying to park. Watch this.
-A car caught on camera after smashing into
an Oklahoma middle school.
Police posting this picture of the damage and the debris
to social media.
They say a man was trying to park his Mercedes.
Well, he accidentally put the S.U.V. into drive
instead of reverse and slammed right through the school's wall.
Luckily, no one was hurt.
[ Laughter ]
-He tried to play it off by hopping out of the car
like the Kool-Aid Man.
"Oh, yeah!"