How do you feel about your attraction to one another?
Beyond the physical, is there something beneath that that's
a little more substantive?
I think it's definitely growing,
but I can't say it's at this substantial, you know,
level quite yet.
We've moved past a little initial honeymoon phase--
Mhm.
DEREK: --and I feel like we're kind of a little
stagnant with moving forward and making more progress,
because I felt like we made as much progress
as we could without real feelings behind things.
CALVIN ROBERSON: Do you feel like you're roommates?
A little bit.
I know you do.
Oh yeah.
I know he feels like we're roommates.
Why do you say that?
He has said the word "roommate."
And I'm like, no, I'm not your roommate.
I'm your wife.
A little bit like, oh no?
Yeah.
It just feels very surface level right now.
For me, I realized that the main thing that's missing here
is time.
Like, I want this to work out.
I want to do everything I can to see what happens here,
but I don't think I could actually maybe, you know,
feel love for at least six months to a year.
Hearing that hurt, like, when he told me that.
If it gets to a point where nothing is progressing,
then I'm not going to want to move forward.
DEREK: Well, I can't say I'm in love,
but I definitely want to develop these feelings.
I hope I do, but only time will tell.
The fact is that often we feel as though love is sort
of like this feeling, this thing that we fall into, you know,
and we'll know when it's there.
We'll know when it happens.
But you actually have control over whether or not this thing
actually happens in your life.
I vehemently reject the idea that people fall in love.
I don't believe it.
I believe people grow in love.
You have to nurture it. You have to water it.
You have to do all those things that
are necessary to make it grow.
That means you have control over it.
For me, like, I mean, I have been.
I've been in love, and I would do,
like, anything for that person, like to be with that person.
I was so drawn to them, like, in every way possible.
There was somebody that I was, like, dating casually.
I actually mentioned it to you--
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
KATIE: --at our workshop.
And you asked me, if you were to go through with this,
would you have any problem shutting that door?
And I said no, but things kind of, like, progressed,
and he told me that he loves me.
And that made it harder for me to, like, make that decision.
Apparently her ex still has an influence,
even though it was supposed to be, you know, done with.
And hearing that is really frustrating.
If that person came back into your life now, then what?
Would that be a problem?
It's hard to say.
Are you still attracted to that person?
Yeah.
Have you emotionally cut ties?
Mhm.
DEREK: Have you?
Yeah.
I mean, It's hard, and it's something--
it's like it's a conscious decision
that I have to make every day.
CALVIN ROBERSON: So then you have not.
Katie, what's going on?
It's just hard to keep talking about it.
Like, it hurt when that happened.
It hurt being told, like, by somebody that I had been
waiting for, you know, months and months
to feel what I felt to tell me, like, they did feel that.
And even though I'm glad I made the decision
to not be with him, because I don't want to be with somebody
who's going to do that to me.
But at the same time, like, yeah, it still hurts.
It was like I didn't really have a whole lot of time
to, like, process the healing, so I still kind of am.
CALVIN ROBERSON: Do you feel that your healing
or your processing is hindering you from developing
a deeper emotion?
Um, yeah.
CALVIN ROBERSON: Mhm.
That's concerning that there are still
lingering feelings because I'm going into this
as kind of like a blank slate.
I mean, I don't think I should be feeling like I have
a competitor in a marriage.
I don't think that's healthy for any marriage,
and you shouldn't.
I'm still going to do everything I can to make this work,
but, like, this is a concern.
How do you feel about this conversation?
Tell me honestly.
Hearing all this stuff makes me
feel like I'm now in a competition with someone else.