This game is the unholy fuckness. You probably remember it as my first game review.
That was five years ago, before I took on the regular duty of playing shitty duty, back then I wasn't as hardcore.
I used a code, and I skipped over a lot of the game.
So now it's my second chance, cause I'm going to do it for real this time.
I only scraped the surface off the smelly turd and after that, it really starts to stink.
Just to clarify: though this game is terribly flawed, it still has a lot of nostalgic value for me.
The graphics and the music are fantastic, and it still has that Castlevania atmosphere.
*Castlevania 2 - Bloody Tears plays*
Then there's parts like that. Why is it necessary to interrupt the game like that, so often?
You need hearts to buy stuff, and when you die, you lose all your hearts, and you have to start from scratch.
So if you're trying to buy something, your best bet is to stay in one spot that you feel safe, and just keep killing the same enemies over and over.
I mean, what fun is that?
When it's nighttime, you're just totally screwed, because the stores are all closed.
So the only thing you have to do is just wait for daytime, and chase zombies around.
Yeah, get over here, you fucking zombie piece of shit.
It's times like this when you get real bored. You find glitches like at the door.
Why does the holy water just stop? For some reason, I always found that amusing. I could do that for hours.
*Calm music plays along with holy water sound effects*
This is the first Castlevania game to adopt a nonlinear style, where you have to roam around and explore. It's a neat idea...
Just not executed too well.
The whole plot is that after Simon destroyed Dracula in the first game, all his body parts were scattered into different mansions.
Now, Simon has to rid the curse of Dracula once and for all, and to do this he has to go into each mansion and throw a fucking oak stake at an orb.
You now possess Dracula's rib. Wait, "prossess?"
"Prossess?" Are you kidding me?
Well anyway, it's boggled my brain to no end.
How is anybody supposed to know to throw an oak stake at an orb? So I found this one clue.
It reads, "A symbol of evil will appear when you strike the stake."
Gee, that really helps. Couldn't it at least mention like where you're supposed- apee- ap- ap- appaer?
Appaer?! Does an anybody proofread this shit? It only goes to show how much effort they spent on the game, when they can't even get the fucking text right.
The text itself seems to be one of the main issues. Not just spelling errors, but the information, too.
It seems like they're giving you clues, but they never make any sense and most of the time...
They're just flat-out lies. In adventure games, especially RPGs, getting clues is a big part of the game.
So as a gamer, you're inclined to regard what they say as true!
After all, why else would it be in the game? To confuse the shit out of you, that's why!
The part that's disturbed me the most is that when you walk in this house, you find this old creepy bitch sitting on the floor.
Looks like Roadkill with a mop on top. She says, "Let's live here together."
Okay, fine. We'll just live here.
Yeah, so... nice place.
To sum things up, reading anything in this game is just as useless as the guy in Zelda 2 who says "I am error."
That's why this is what you call a Nintendo Power game.
*Music plays*
Of course, there's the wall where you have to select the Red Crystal, kneel down, and then wait for a tornado...
But that's just the beginning. There's a part where you have to go under a lake.
I can just barely see the platform so I get the idea that I'm supposed to go down there.
But if you touch the water, you die.
You have to select the blue crystal then you kneel down for a few seconds
And then you can go through the water. Who the fuck is supposed to figure that out? There's another spot...
Where you have to go into a cemetery and drop a piece of garlic, so you can get a silver knife.
Who is this person in a robe who waits in a cemetery for someone to come by and drop garlic?
So there's the cryptic parts, but then there's parts which are just plain annoying. Some of the jumps are outrageous.
*Sigh* Oh, man, get up there, *groaning* (Gritted teeth) Fuck, get up there!
Then, there's these blocks. It doesn't look that hard, seems like you could just hop on over.
But if your timing isn't a hundred percent accurate, your jump doesn't reach.
I'm gonna try again.
*Angry groan*
This game is poopy.
The most annoying enemies in this game that I never forget are the blobs.
They just bounce all over the place. You can't get away from them! Especially if you're on the stairs.
Oh!
What?
Let's take a look at that again. I'm on the stairs, totally defenseless, the blob knocks me off, and I fall through the fake block.
That is so fucking cheap!
The most annoying hazard in this game is water.
Seriously. Water? Why is that such an issue?
Oh come on! That wasn't even on the same screen.
The last thing to mention are the bosses.
There's very few of them, and let me tell you, they got lazy with these bosses. I mean real lazy.
You know how hard the Grim Reaper is in the first game? Well, if you do, then wait till you see how hard he is here.
*Sarcastically* Damn, I'm lucky I got past that Grim Reaper.
Then, of course, you walk through an empty castle to fight the easiest end boss in video game history, and there you have Castlevania 2.
Well that was a mouthful, but we should conclude this episode with the last of the NES trilogy.
Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse.
In this game you take control of Trevor Belmont, an ancestor of Simon's, who battles Dracula for the first time, making this game a prequel.
*Music plays*
It goes back to the basic style of the first game.
But has two main innovations. The first thing: you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take.
The other thing is that you get to play as other characters whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls,
Sypha who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat.
But you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son.
The name Alucard is Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie Son of Dracula.
"Announce Count Alucard."
D-R-A-C...
"What are you mumbling about?" "Nothing, nothing just a silly idea hit me."
With these innovations, I think it's the best Castlevania game on the NES.
But it's also the hardest.
There's a stage where the screen keeps moving up. If you're caught at the bottom, you die.
What kind of logic is that in Trevor Belmont's world, what killed him, the TV screen?
So you can't waste any time, you got to keep going up.
What the shit was that fucking nonsense? Tell me that's fair, to make you have to hurry, only to have knights appear out of nowhere.
The greatest hazard in this game is not pits, not water, or spikes, or anything like that.
It's the stairs, the fucking stairs are your worst nightmare.
If you're next to the stairs and you try to use your special attack the attack doesn't work instead you go up the stairs
Look at this. Like, God, get down. I wanna attack the knight!
God, get off the stairs!
Ugh you're defenseless. When you're on the stairs, your ass is fucked.
How 'bout the floor? Let's make the floor a death trap too!
Okay, that's fine. If you want to place shit like that.
But how in the holy goddamn mother shit fucking Christ of cunt fuck am I supposed to attack the enemy when the fucking floor is falling down?
Did the game developers expect you to be some kind of miracle multitasker?
Thank God for Alucard. See, I can cheat too, you rotten bastard.
Oh, and when you're using Sypha's freeze spell, whatever you do, don't freeze the enemy projectiles!
That was a disaster, and that's the way this whole game is. It's just an ongoing train wreck.
*The Nerd plays the game without talking*
This fucker's got no mercy! This is the reason why Game Genie was invented.
But I'm not doing that because I'm gonna do this legit! Now where's that extra live code?
Help me. That's it. You spell help me, isn't that the most appropriate password you ever heard?
Because anyone who plays this game, that's exactly what you're thinking.
I've made it to Dracula.
But never beaten him. Wherever you stand, two towers of fire come up, trapping you, while another tower comes up in the middle.
How are you supposed to dodge that? It gets you every time.
The worst thing about this, is that when you die, it doesn't start you back at the stairs.
No, not like the other games, instead it sends you all the way back to the beginning of the stage.
It's fuckin' relentless!
And Dracula has three forms! You're telling me you have to make it all the way through the stage and fight three forms of Dracula...
Without any fucking continues, or power-ups are you mad? How are you supposed to do that?
If there's any game to put you in a bad mood...
It's Castlevania 3.
You know? Like, if you want a game that'll piss you off...
Putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You want to go balls to the wall?
Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick in an electric outlet.
You want to play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a hyena's asshole? Well, good luck.
Well, that finishes off the Castlevania trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared, because Dracula never dies.
Halloween is going over time. It's a Castlevania-thon.
*Nerd howling like a wolf*
This game is like playing shit tennis with an orangutan while having an hyena's head up your ass!
Or your head up its ass!
And- *laughing*