By the end of this video, you're going to know
what the five stages are that you go through
when you are going through a divorce so that you'll know the signs yourself.
Hey there, I'm Rebecca Zung.
I am an attorney.
I'm also a narcissist negotiation expert
and I've helped thousands of people
break free from
the drama, trauma and chaos
that people deal with when they deal with narcissists
and I want to help you too.
So make sure that you subscribe to this channel
and hit that notification bell.
I have written two best-selling books,
Breaking Free a step-by-step divorce guide and
negotiate like you matter.
I have also helped many many people
through my divorce practice,
and when I wrote the book breaking free,
I actually took people through the emotional steps that people go through
and the reason why I did that, it was an emotional freedom,
spiritual freedom and physical freedom
and the reason why I took people through
all of those steps is because when you are divorcing,
it's not just the physical freedom that you go through,
which is the actual divorce part.
The procedural part which I do take people through in that book
because obviously that's part
of the book that people want to see as an attorney.
That's the part that most of the people see an attorney for
but you're not just going through that physical part of the divorce at that time.
You're also dealing with the emotional aspects.
You're also dealing with the spiritual aspect at the same time
and I often say that the divorce paradox,
is that during the worst, most horrible time of your life,
you are having to make the most critical decisions of your life.
I mean, they often say when you look at many of those surveys of like the
worst things that you can possibly go through like,
death and divorce are right at the top of the list
and yet during that time,
you have to make the most critical decisions of your life.
About the most important things to you.
About your money, about your children,
about your business and you have to be so clear-headed
and yet how are you supposed to do that
during the most horrible time of your life?
It's crazy.
So I I wanted to actually take you through those five stages,
you know, the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stages
of grief and how they actually play out during a divorce
especially during a divorce with a narcissist.
During the five stages of a divorce with a narcissist in particular.
Okay.
So what are the five stages of divorce with a narcissist look like?
So when you are dealing with a divorce from a narcissist,
you are dealing with denial.
First of all, you deal with the fear,
that fear of what's going to happen.
A catastrophe of what's going to happen.
Because when you are dealing with a divorce from a narcissist,
you know, what's coming.
You know that down the pike,
they're going to turn against you.
You know you're going to become public enemy number one.
You know that potentially going to expose
you and try to turn the world against you
and all of those things.
Right?
And so, you know
that potentially, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
All of those things.
It's going to be pure hell,
and you know what's going to happen to you.
What's going to happen to your children.
What's going to happen to you financially
and you're imagining all the worst possible things
and so maybe you are in denial
at the beginning about all of
it because you just don't even want to think about it.
So you kind of deny that,
this is where your relationship is.
You think maybe it's not so bad
or maybe I can live with this,
or maybe it's not so bad all the time
or maybe this person can change.
So you're kind of in denial about the relationship
being as bad as you think that it is, right.
So that's probably the first stage of divorce.
Why are you like this?
and why do you have to be so horrible?
and why couldn't you just change?
and why did you have to mess things up?
Why did you have to cheat?
and how'd it could you have stripped so much of my life away?
and why did I waste my life on you?
and you're just so angry at this person
for maybe messing up your children's lives.
Just everything.
Maybe you're resentful about the fact
that they didn't make more money
or that they wasted money on things.
At this stage where you just made me feel entitled.
Maybe you just feel like they need to pay
for everything that they've done to you
and I'm telling you, a lot of people,
they get stuck in this stage for a very long time.
A lot of people never get out of this stage.
I think a lot of times people feel like if they forgive,
or if they move on, or if they get out of this stage,
like somehow the narcissist got away with it in some way.
Like if they let it go,
then they got away with it somehow and that's just not the case.
I mean, you need to move on for you.
This is not about them. This is about you.
Not living with the venom.
Not living with the poison.
Not living with that toxicity within you.
That's number two.
This is that anger stage that people live in for a very long time
and let me tell you, there's a big difference
between wanting what's equitable
and what's allowed under the law and wanting to apply the law
and being fine with that allowing that
to happen and not allowing guilt to be part of that,
not allowing being afraid to be part of that,
not allowing emotion to be part of that.
Just allowing the law to be
applied without anything else to be part of that.
Okay, so that's the second part.
you might go back into
well, you know, this is where it can be sort of dangerous,
because this is where your narcissist,
especially when you're divorcing a narcissist,
your narcissist might start getting nice again,
you know, they might start hoovering and
so you might start getting weak again too.
You might start going well,
you know, maybe this might work out
or maybe it's not going to be so bad.
Or maybe we might be able to be friends,
or maybe we might be able to somehow
some way either get back together,
or maybe we can be amicable
or maybe I can get them to see my
value or maybe if I just give in on certain points,
they'll start to give in for me
and this is a trap I see people often fall into,
especially in negotiating with narcissist.
Sometimes people think, well, if I give a lot on the front end,
they'll see how great I'm being
and they'll also give in.
That definitely is never the case.
By the way ever.
They just take and then it just goes
into the ether and they will be like,
yeah, and your point is what?
That never helps you in any way by the way,
and they don't acknowledge you, they don't see your value.
I mean that doesn't help you
and so that you go through this bargaining stage
and a lot of times that whole pre honeymoon phase
is often met with rejection, you know.
You try to get them to see your side
or whatever and it doesn't
work out and then it ends up feeling worse.
You end up feeling even worse than you did before.
It's almost like you've been rejected again
and so it ends up where you feel even more lonely
or more sad or something like that.
But one thing I do want to say is I have a couple of videos.
One is on self-care when you're coping with the narcissist.
I would definitely check that out.
The other one is I have a video on self-care
when coping with a narcissist.
That's an interview that I did with Amy Newmark.
Who's the president of the Chicken Soup for the Soul
and she had done a book on it on self care
and I would definitely highly recommend that interview as well.
Great great stuff.
Check out both of those videos on taking care of yourself
and making sure that you are
doing what you need to to take care of yourself
and I want you to put that in the comments right now
that I take care of myself,
put that in the comments right now.
I take care of myself.
Just to remind yourself that you do that,
and you will do that throughout this process
because it i s so hard sometimes
to remember to do that especially during this difficult time.
and this is one of the hardest one
because you've gone through
denial, anger and bargaining.
In some ways,
they're like easier even
though they're difficult to go through.
They're easier than the depression
because the depression is the lowest point.
Honestly.
This is where the divorce is probably over
and you just are feeling lonely.
You're feeling sad.
You're probably beating yourself up.
There's a lot of the monday morning quarterbacking of
Did I waste my life? Did the person ever love me?
Did I give up too much in the divorce?
I shouldn't have done this.
I shouldn't have signed that.
Maybe I had a terrible lawyer that other
person had a better lawyer than I did.
I spent too much money on the divorce.
I gave up too much time sharing,
you know, there's always this whole thing
about I should have left 10 years earlier.
I never should have married the person.
There's all this regret and
lalalalala stuff going on.
Don't go down that rabbit hole.
You cannot do anything about the past.
It's not going to give you any sense of satisfaction.
It's not going to go anywhere but down.
That level of vibration is horrible for you
and don't even go being around people
who are going to serve that kind of conversation.
Because it's not going to help you.
If they're saying
“Oh, you know, I saw your ex and there with this
other person and they're off having this great life.”
That's not going to help you either.
What's going to help you
is you starting to create your new life starting
to create new memories and all that sort of thing.
Because that first year where it's a year of firsts
where is it's different.
You know, it's the first holiday where
it's something different each time
or used to always do sunday brunches
and now you don't anymore or whatever.
You just happen to create your own, maybe new set of friends,
or whatever.
It's difficult and so,
starting to create your own new life,
your own new future,
where you feel whole and complete on your own is going
to be absolutely critical developing your own set of interest,
your own set of friends.
Joining a book club or join a runners vlub
or start something where you have,
you're cultivating your own life,
where you start to feel whole and complete,
join a meditation group or something like that,
where you start to do things
for your own peace of mind where you start to feel whole
and complete on your own that will do wonders for you.
Really making sure that you have your own support system
in place is going to be absolutely critical.
You'll know you're into that acceptance phase
when you can see your ex and not feel any emotion about it other than,
“Oh,there is my ex.”
Hello. Goodbye.
I don't feel anything around you other than there's
my ex and you've now pursued your own life,
you have your own life
and your ex has his or her own new life
and everybody has gone their own ways and it's all fine.
Well and good
and you need to create that space for yourself.
Those are the five stages of divorce with a narcissist.
That's the most important thing.
When you can get through that,
when you can get to that level of acceptance,
that is where, you know, that you have moved on that,
you've gone all the way through.
That you have moved through all five stages
and you have become who you really are supposed to be,
you know, your soul knows that you were born for more.
Your soul knows that you were meant for more.
By the way, if you are struggling and need help,
please do get the help that you deserve.
I am very very proud to be a partner and sponsored by
Better Help.
Check out their online therapy resources at their website,
which is
www.betterhelp.com/rebeccazung
while we do receive commission's on referrals to better help.
It does not affect your cost to them and we only recommend services that we trust.
I have proudly partnered with them
because we do get so many inquiries
from people who are struggling
and I want you to have the support that you need.
So please do get the help and support
that you need through better help.
Okay.
So those are the five stages of divorce
that people go through.
Especially with a narcissist that is denial,
anger, bargaining,
depression, and then finally acceptance
and I want to see all of you get to that acceptance level.
If you are struggling,
please also feel free to join my free
private facebook group.
Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung.
We have lots and lots of people in there who are supporting
each other every single day who are rallying
for each other and supporting each other.
If you do feel like you are potentially in a relationship with a narcissist,
but you're not sure,
I have a free quiz
which we will drop a link to in the description.
I also have a free
Crush my negotiation prep worksheet
for those people who are getting ready to negotiate with a narcissist,
which you can grab at
wimynegotiation.com
make sure you grab that as well
and if you haven't subscribed, make sure you do that.
Subscribe to this channel because we upload
brand new videos every single day.
I am so happy that you're here
and remember that today is a great day to start negotiating your best life
and remember they only win if you give in.
Okay so I will see all of you guys in the next video.