-Thank you!
Oh, my gosh. It's so exciting to be here.
I've had an amazing year. I got engaged.
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, thank you.
Thank you. It did not work out.
[ Laughter ]
Just good to have numbers on the board.
You know what I mean?
It's okay. It wasn't that sad.
The ring, it felt weird.
It kept getting caught on stuff, like sweaters and my freedom.
It was, uh... [ Laughter ]
...very cumbersome.
But, you know, it just wasn't the right fit.
Didn't work out with me and my ex-fiance,
which is the most annoying word to say, by the way.
It sounds like a spell.
Just like, "Ex-fiance!"
[ Laughter ] It's terrible.
Sound like Hermione up here.
Just like, "It's not ex-fiance, it's ex-fiansuh."
Like, "Ugh!
50 points from Gryffindor. You are the worst."
I did like being engaged, though.
I didn't expect to like it that much.
But something happens. When you slip that ring
on your finger, something in your stupid lady lizard brain
goes, "Br-br-br-br-br-br! Level completed."
[ Laughter ]
And you just kind of float through Target, like, "Oh!
Am I better than everybody?"
[ Laughter ]
"What's that? No, I don't need help.
Someone loves me." [ Laughter ]
I'll find the towels, right after I cancel therapy."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm all fixed."
The nice thing -- I got to be honest --
I got a lot of advice from people,
and a lot of people told me not to do it.
So many people were like, "I got married at 25.
Don't know if I'd do that again."
I'm like, "Aren't you guys still together?"
They're like, "Yeah!" [ Laughter ]
"Yeah, we are." [ Chuckles ]
Lot of people told me not to get married in my 20s at all
because you change too much in your 20s.
And that's true, you do. But you're gonna change a lot
throughout the rest of your life,
which is why I think, no matter what age you get married at,
instead of bridesmaids, they should just line up
every crappy version of you that they might have to deal with
at some point so that they can say "I do" to everyone.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's like --
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's like, "These are my bridesmaids --
unemployed Taylor, depressed Taylor,
and here's my maid of honor, vegan Taylor."
[ Laughter ]
She's gonna be super annoying for like three years.
Then you're gonna go on a road trip.
There's gonna be nowhere to stop but a burger joint.
She's gonna take one bite, and be like, "You know what?
I do feel better." [ Laughter ]
"I was tired. I was tired."
I had a woman at one of my shows yell at me from the audience.
She goes, "You should really wait till you're 27
to get married, because that's when your frontal lobe
has finished developing in your brain.
That's when your brain's done. 27."
[ Light laughter ]
Yeah, what a mean fact to yell at someone who's not 27.
Just like, "Oh, you think you're happy, Scarecrow?
Why don't you wait till the Wizard gets you a brain. Ha!"
[ Laughter ]
"I've been drinking since noon. Make me laugh."
[ Laughter ]
But I googled it, and that fact is real.
And that fact is proof that God is a man.
Because who else would finish your boobs
years before your brain? That's garbage.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You're telling me no one up in heaven's like,
"Hey, God, are you gonna work on the brain today?
'Cause you keep putting it off, and it seems kind of important."
He's like, "These are important!"
[ Laughter ]
"I'm gonna make one of them bigger for like eight years!
Just 'cause." [ Laughter ]
I can't believe they let me do that one, either.
[ Laughter ]
The nice thing about calling off a wedding in your 20s
is that nobody's that surprised.
Nobody thought that you could do anything right to begin with.
Nobody expects me to do anything correctly.
I'm like, "What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?"
She's like, "Napkins. Can you handle that?"
[ Laughter ]
"Dry ones this time." [ Laughter ]
I wanted to be married, though,
because I'm not good at being in my 20s.
I'm not fun, I don't party.
Never been drunk 'cause I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah, the only time I've ever wanted to drink
is alone in the La Quinta Inn,
and I'm told that's when you're not supposed to do it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
So I stay away from the stuff.
But I have been pulled over for drunk driving, completely sober,
which is a great way to find out you're a terrible driver.
[ Laughter ]
When cops are stopping you on the freeway, like,
"Are you wasted?"
And you're like, "No, officer, that was my best."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That cop did not believe me, either.
He just kept hounding me.
He's like, "How much have you had to drink?
How much have you had? How much have you had?"
And finally, I was just like, "No, officer,
you don't understand, okay? I'm not drunk.
I've never been drunk. I don't even know how."
[ Light laughter ]
"I'm a little sad." [ Laughter ]
"Is there a sad driving test?"
I think there should be one.
Like, instead of a breathalyzer,
they just have you sigh into a harmonica.
[ Laughter ]
And if it's on pitch, they're like,
"Out of the car, Johnny Cash. Can't have you on the road."
[ Laughter ] You guys are great!
Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"What can I bring to the pot luck, Nana?"
[ Laughs ]
Taylor Tomlinson!
Oh, fantastic.
"Quarter Life Crisis" is available now on Netflix.