Hokey fantasy religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good good science fiction
weapon at your side.
Intrepid science fiction characters need to be well armed in their… um totally peaceful
mission of exploration!
Exploring new worlds to discover new life and new civilizations goes a lot smoother
if you walk softly and carry a big photon torpedo.
Set phasers to copy so we can plunder some cool science fiction weapons for our setting!
Now what future weapon of war should we start with first?
Something classic.
Deathray?
No.
Too classic.
I got it!
We all know that future battlefields will be dominated by lasers.
Lasers are great weapons that suffer only a few drawbacks.
No not real problems like thermal blooming or finding a sufficiently compact power source
so the future trooper isn’t lugging around an extension cord.
No.
The problem with lasers is that while moving at the speed of light they are super easy
to dodge by the main characters and despite having laser precision shot grouping are very
inaccurate since the bad guys can’t seem to hit anyone with them.
Also, lasers have a really powerful kick despite a complete lack of kinetic force when firing.
Writer’s should avoid using lasers for boring realistic military applications like point
defense against explosive projectiles or as a non-lethal stun weapon.
Lasers not got enough punch?
I think I’ll use plasma weapons instead.
A plasma weapon is simply a super-heated beam or bolt of high energy matter that is hot
enough to transition from gas to matter’s fourth state, plasma.
How is this energy contained and directed?
Um… space science stuff, obviously.
It’s just like real life plasma torches.
That should stop those critical emails from hard scifi nuts.
Plasma weapons too sophisticated or maybe you don’t like watching your imperial guardsman
explode.
Then why not try some good old fashion rail-guns.
Using electromagnetic force to propel projectiles along a rail, hence rail gun, is actually
a weapon we have in real life.
Seriously, the navy already has one.
This is great for near future settings.
Unfortunately, near future settings are also incapable of miniaturization hence why rail-guns
are relegated to starships only.
Infantry and ground vehicles will have to make due with old-fashion ballistics so the
author doesn’t have to get out of their comfort zone… er I mean they haven’t developed
a power source compact enough to power small arms sized rail-gun weapons.
Just ignore those lasers we are using alongside our ballistic weapons.
Their battery is different okay!
We can’t have our science fiction weapons get too crazy.
Armies of the future should still be shooting conventional missiles at one another even
if point defense technology makes them worthless.
We need to keep things understandable for the modern audience.
Sometimes our weapon design requires only a subtle touch, like a giant robot!
Nothing is more subtle than that!
Our giant robot is the ultimate weapon of war as it has no equals on the battlefield
even as it sinks into the soil thanks to ground pressure.
Smaller drones in supporting roles or integrating AI into conventional vehicles won’t work
because none of those are as cool as a giant robot.
What!
Those boring tanks with their low profile and sloped armor trashed my giant robot!
How?
A single shot sent my giant robot’s internal structure collapsing in on itself.
Oh.
I see.
The dreaded square cube law strikes again.
I should have built my giant robot out of contrivium.
That would make my giant robot invincible!
Nothing can hurt it!
If only we had some kind of super weapon to stop the enemy giant robot!
Like a big explosive of some kind.
Like a weapon that wields the power of atomic energy to produce an unparalleled destructive
force.
Alas, I know of no such technology that has existed since 1945 that could do such a thing.
If such a terrible, destructive weapon did exist, then an author should probably create
an effective counter measure to make sure future space battles don’t turn into nuke
fights.
Hmm…
Come to think of it, I should probably add some super-weapons.
Super-weapons should be powerful enough to destroy entire planets.
This large and expensive weapon of mass destruction will be hyper advanced and truly huge in scale.
The destructive potential of this weapon is only matched by the staggering resource requirements
in order to build and maintain it.
It’s really too bad they don’t have access to that aforementioned technology from 1945.
Nuking a planet from orbit would be a lot cheaper than maintaining a moon sized space
station.
Same goes for the rebels who have to resort to daring space fighter raids to destroy super
weapons rather than firing a few nukes at the enemy doom station and calling it a day.
Then again, I can’t really think of any real life examples of expensive super military
projects that the enemy just finesses their way past.
Wait.
I think I’m forgetting something.
Oh right.
Even though I gave my futuristic military forces weapons, I should also give them some
clever tactics as well.
Now with all of these lasers, missiles, plasma bolts, and super weapons mounted on giant
robots being thrown around our forces should carefully use the very cunning tactic of bunching
up and charging at the enemy in a big mob.
Clustering troops is a great idea when the enemy is using explosive, area of effect weapons.
Air support?
Armored columns in open terrain?
Combine arms operations?
All of that is unseeded.
Having both sides formulate a strategy before tactically deploying their forces is dumb
because then the heroes can’t swoop in at the last minute and single handedly turn the
tide of battle.
Bonus points if the hero uses a science fiction themed sword in a setting with primarily ranged
weapons.
What author is dumb enough to do that?
Um…
I mean swords are cool so a scifi writer should have no hesitation when adding them into a
futuristic setting even if they have no way of nullifying ranged firepower.
Personal deflector shields would just cramp the good guy’s style.
Can’t have that.
Gotta kill that red shirt somehow.
So we now have an arsenal of high tech weapons for our science fiction setting.
Our forces are made up of endless legions armed with missiles, lasers, and plasma weapon
systems.
Our generals now use only the latest cutting edge tactics to obtain total battlefield superiority.
Super weapons rule space while giant robots dominate planet-side.
This military force has no equal.
Nothing can defeat them…
well except alien primitives armed with sticks and stones.
Can’t bomb them into the stone age because they are already there.
Even though high tech armies are maintained by logistical networks that allow for combat
on a planetary scale, they will still lose outright to freaking tiny tribes of cave men
that haven’t even made their first wheel.
I guess sheer pluck gives them the knowledge on how to effectively wage a guerrilla war
against an enemy that outnumbers them in the billions.
Unfortunately high tech weapon systems and futuristic armies are simply no match against
primitive alien tribes armed with nothing more than their quick wits, some cool alien
monsters and a few trusty stone tools.
Better luck next time military industrial complex.
DARK LORD: You said I would do all of your sponsor reads.
JP: I am altering the deal.
Pray I don’t alter it any further
DARK LORD: Hey… that’s a pretty good line actually.
I think I’ll save that one for later.
JP: NNNNOOOOs always have reverb for some reason.
DARK LORD: None of that matters now, pathetic love triangle man.
All of this channel’s sponsors are now mine, including today’s.
I shall possess the power of audible.
CONSPIRATOR: We simply allow you to think that.
All according to plan.
DARK LORD: Oh great.
It’s you ancient conspiracy guys again.
I see you have returned to haunt me.
CONSPIRATOR: I am not a ghost.
This is hologram.
We used them to fake the moon when the astronauts landed on it.
Those fools were none the wiser.
DARK LORD: Didn’t the last of you die by my hand?
CONSPIRATOR: We got better.
More importantly, I see that you have another sponsor lined up.
DARK LORD: My sponsor.
CONSPIRATOR: Do you even know what audible is?
DARK LORD: Of course I know what an edible, eh adu… of course I know what it is!
CONSPIRATOR: Clearly you could use some real time intel.
As it turns out, my organization possesses the information you require.
DARK LORD: 80, 20 split
CONSPIRATOR: 50, 50.
DARK LORD: 70 30
CONSPIRATOR: Done!
DARK LORD: Excellent.
Now what’s an audible?
CONSPIRATOR: Easy!
Audible is… hang on minute.
Hey guys, anyone know what audible is?
Is it anything like a Walkman or betamax?
GUY IN THE BACKGROUND: Okay, grandpa
CONSPIRATOR: Stop calling me grandpa and just answer the question.
CONSPIRATOR: Let me put you on hold for a moment.
NARRATOR: Some time later CONSPIRATOR: Okay.
We abducted some schmoe off street and tortured him until he broke and he told us everything.
We learned that Audible is an online service that provides an unmatched collection of audio
books.
DARK LORD: Books?
Oh I know what those are.
Those are those things I burn when I conquer new lands.
Can’t have the peasantry getting too educated.
CONSPIRATOR: You can access your audio-book from a free app for iPhone, iPad, Android,
and Windows phone.
It’s great for multitasking as you can listen to a book while performing a separate task
like driving, exercising, secretly pulling the strings of world leaders or some other menial chore.
DARK LORD: I can listen on my phone?
Great!
CONSPIRATOR: You have phone?
How?
You live in a fantasy world.
DARK LORD: I got it some tribe of amazons.
CONSPIRATOR: Okay.
Then why don’t you recommend a book you enjoyed.
DARK LORD: I love Paradise Lost!
I really like that angel of light guy.
I really identify with him for some reason.
CONSPIRATOR: Yeah I bet you do.
DARK LORD: Go to audible.com/terrible or text terrible to 500-500.
CONSPIRATOR: That’s audible . Com / terrible or text terrible to 500-500 and get a 30 day
trail and be rewarded with a free audiobook.
Now it’s time for your reward, Darklord.
DARK LORD: Curses!
CONSPIRATOR: Yes.
I’m betraying you now.
DARK LORD: Not that.
I was going say “I am altering the deal.
Pray I don’t alter it any further.”
CONSPIRATOR: That’s from Star Wars.
Besides, my betrayal line is much cooler than yours.
DARK LORD: No it isn’t.
CONSPIRATOR: Yes it is.
DARK LORD: No it isn’t.
CONSPIRATOR: Yes it is.