UP HERE, DOWN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I WANT TO SAY HI TO ALL MY FANS IN MEXICO CITY, RIGHT OFF THE
TOP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THERE YOU GO.
BROADCASTING LIVE TO MEXICO CITY.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I TRY TO NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT HAVING ONE OF
THESE SHOWS IS A PROFOUUND PRIVILEGE, NOT JUST TO TELL
JOKES-- HA HA-- BUT TO INFORM YOU, THE PUBLIC. THAT IS A
SACRED TRUST.
AND NO ONE IN LATE NIGHT GIVES YOU THE MIDTERM PRIMARIES IN
FIVE STATES IN MID-MAY LIKE THE TEAM AT "THE LATE SHOW."
THIS IS: >> "ELECTION NIGHT IN 10% OF
AMERICA '22."
>> Stephen: THE RESULTS ARE IN, AND AMERICA HAS UPHELD ITS
PROUD TRADITION OF NOT KNOWING WHO WON.
AT LEAST IN ONE RACE EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT-- THE REPUBLICAN
NOMINATION FOR SENATE IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHICH PITS FORMER
HEDGE FUND EXECUTIVE AND CUSTOMER ASKING THE MANAGER WHY
THE PEOPLE AT THAT TABLE GOT THEIR FOOD FIRST,
DAVID McCORMICK, AGAINST TV CHARLATAN AND WINNER OF THE EMMY
FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN SELF-TAXIDERMY, DR. MEHMET OZ.
( LAUGHTER )
TOSS-UP, WITH DR. OZ GETTING 31.3% OF THE VOTE TO McCORMICK'S
31.1%.
WOW, THAT'S A NAILBITER.
THAT IS STRESSFUL.
AND THERE'S NO BETTER CURE FOR STRESS THAN DR. OZ'S RASPBERRY
KETONE AND GREEN COFFEE BEAN PROTEIN PANCAKE MIX.
SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE STRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS.
IT'S A NAILBITER.
BUT BOTH SIDES REMAIN CONFIDENT.
LAST NIGHT, McCORMICK'S CHIEF STRATEGIST TWEETED, "BASED ON
HOW MANY UNCOUNTED ABSENTEE BALLOTS THERE ARE AND THE MARGIN
BY WHICH DAVE HAS WON THEM SO FR, THAT'S WHY WE ARE
CONFIDENT OF VICTORY."
WHILE AN ADVISER TO DR. OZ POINTED TO UNCOUNTED BALLOTS IN
PHILADELPHIA AND DECLARED, "IT'S A JUMP BALL."
WHICH, I WILL REMIND YOU, IS HOW THEY EVENTUALLY DECIDED
BUSH V. GORE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY.
W. WAS A MONSTER IN THE PAINT.
HE WAS RAY MONSTER IN THE PAINT.
HE TOOK THE ROCK TO THE REHNQUIST.
PENNSYLVANIA LAW REQUIRES A RECOUNT WHEN THE MARGIN IS HALF
A PERCENTAGE POINT OR LESS, BUT ONE DR. OZ SUPPORTER SEES A
WAY AROUND THAT.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUD
FLINTSTONE-- A.K.A. FLABBA DABBA GOO.
OLD FLABBA DABBA SAID SOMEWHERE ON THE INTERNET THAT
OZ SHOULD NOT TRUST OUTSTANDING MAIL-IN BALLOTS, TYPING, "DR. OZ
SHOULD DECLARE VICTORY.
IT MAKES IT MUCH HARDER FOR THEM TO CHEAT WITH THE BALLOTS THAT
THEY 'JUST HAPPENED TO FIND.' WELL, I WILL GIVE HIM THIS: HE'S
AN AUTHORITY ON CHEATING.
JUST ASK ALL OF HIS WIVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
JUST THROW IT OUT THERE.
THROW A LITTLE CORN OUT FOR THE CHICKENS.
WE DO KNOW WHO THE WINNER OF THIS RACE WILL FACE IN THE
GENERAL ELECTION: LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR JOHN FETTERMAN, SEEN
HERE IN HIS FORMAL HOODIE.
( LAUGHTER )
DEMOCRATIC RACE WAS NOT CLOSE, WITH FETTERMAN CAPTURING
59% OF THE VOTE, AND POSSIBLY GOING ON TO WIN EVERY COUNTY IN
PENNSYLVANIA.
CLEARLY, HE IS A RISING STAR, WHICH MAY BE WHY ONE BIDEN
ADVISER TOLD CNN, "THERE ARE BIG SIMILARITIES BETWEEN JOHN
FETTERMAN AND JOE BIDEN."
AND THAT COULD EXPLAIN BIDEN'S LATEST MAKEOVER.
THAT'S NICE.
LOOKS GOOD.
HE SHOULD DO IT.
HE SHOULD GO FOR IT.
DON'T FIGHT IT, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
DON'T FIGHT IT, RIGHT?
JUST GO FOR IT.
PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICANS DID DECISIVELY CHOOSE A CANDIDATE
FOR GOVERNOR: STATE SENATOR AND MR. CLEAN GOING THROUGH A ROUGH
DIVORCE, DOUG MASTRIANO.
MASTRIANO IS A HARD-RIGHT CHRISTIAN NATIONALIST AND A
CENTRAL FIGURE IN EFFORTS TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF THE 2020
ELECTION IN PENNSYLVANIA.
THAT VICTORY SPEECH MUST HAVE BEEN A LITTLE AWKWARD:
"THANK YOU, PENNSYLVANIA.
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT DOMINION VOTING MACHINES
AND THE GHOST OF HUGO CHAVEZ.
THESE ELECTIONS ARE RIGGED!
STOP THE STEAL!
LOCK ME UP!" LOOK ME UP!
( APPLAUSE )
WAS NORTH CAROLINA REPRESENTATIVE MADISON CAWTHORN,
SEEN HERE--
SEEN HERE ENTERING A LIST OF HIS TOP AXE BODY SPRAY SCENTS INTO
THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD.
MANGO MUSK!
CAWTHORN HAD THE EX-PRESIDENT'S ENDORSEMENT, BUT HE STILL LOST
THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY TO NORTH CAROLINA STATE SENATOR AND
HOTEL CONCIERGE WATCHING YOU AND YOUR WIFE KISS, CHUCK EDWARDS.
IN ADDITION TO HIS ROLE IN THE STATE SENATE, EDWARDS OPERATES
McDONALD'S FRANCHISES IN WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA.
SO WHILE CAWTHORN HAD THE EX-PRESIDENT'S SUPPORT, EDWARDS
WAS ENDORSED BY THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TOP ADVISER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING-- HERE'S THE THING--
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S KIND OF SHOCKING FOR AN INCUMBENT, MAGA-APPROVED
CONGRESSMAN TO LOSE HIS PRIMARY.
BUT IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH CAWTHORN ANGERING HIS
G.O.P. COLLEAGUES BACK IN MARCH, WHEN HE SAID THIS:
>> THE SEXUAL PERVERSION THAT GOES ON IN WASHINGTON, ALL THE
SUDDEN, YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, "WELL, HEY, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER AT ONE OF OUR
HOMES.
YOU SHOULD COME!" AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU JUST
ASK ME TO COME TO?" AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE
ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY.
SOME OF THE PEOPLE LEADING ON THE MOVEMENT TO TRY AND REMOVE
ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY, AND THEN YOU WATCH THEM DO A KEY
BUMP OF COCAINE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
>> Stephen OKAY, THAT'S AN OBVIOUS LIE.
IF MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WERE ON COCAINE, THEY WOULD GET A LOT
MORE DONE.
( SNIFFS ) WOOO!
OOO!
"OK, THAT'S TEN BILLS ALREADY PASSED.
TEAL YOU WHAT, BRO, LET'S FILE CLOTURE AND KEEP GOING.
JUST READ THE BUDGET ALOUD WHILE I CLEAN THE SENATE CHAMBER WITH
A TOOTHBRUSH.
OR START A BAND.
ANYONE CRAZY THIRSTY?
ROAD TRIP!
GO TO THE SHORE!" THAT'S JUST THE TIP-- I HEARD, I
DON'T KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.
BUT THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF WHAT I IMAGINE WERE A GOOD NUMBER OF
TIPS, BECAUSE CAWTHORN HAS A BUNCH OF SCANDALS, INCLUDING
BEING ACCUSED OF ENGAGING IN INSIDER TRADING, CHARGED WITH
DRIVING WITH A REVOKED LICENSE, AND BEING STOPPED FOR TRYING TO
BRING A GUN THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY-- TWICE.
THAT IS SO STUPID.
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T BRING A GUN TO THE AIRPORT.
YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE THROUGH SECURITY AND THEN GO
TO "HUDSON NEWS" TO GET A TRAVEL-SIZE GUN.
( LAUGHTER )
OUT, WHICH IS A TOUGH BREAK.
HOW WILL YOU DEAL WITH THIS DEFEAT, MADISON?
>> KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY, WHATEVER GETS YOU THROUGH THE NIGHT.
IN PANDEMIC NEWS, COVID IS SURGING, BUT IT'S HARD TO TELL
NUMBERS CERTAINLY SEEM TO BE GOING UP HERE IN NEW YORK, WHERE
THIS WEEK, CORONAVIRUS CASES REACHED A HIGH ALERT LEVEL.
TO BE FAIR, WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND NEW YORK CITY, YOU'RE
OFTEN ON HIGH ALERT.
"HONEY, WALK FASTER AND DON'T TURN AROUND.
THE GUY BEHIND US ISN'T WEARING PANTS, BUT HE IS WEARING AN ELMO
HEAD.
AND NOT WHERE HE'S SUPPOSED TO.
OH, GOD, HE'S GOT A GREENPEACE PETITION.
MOVE!
MOVE!" COVID IS ALSO RISING ON THE WEST
COAST.
CASE IN POINT, MY DEAR FRIEND AND FELLOW LATE-NIGHT HOST
JIMMY KIMMEL HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID AGAIN.
WE WISH HIM A SPEEDY RECOVERY.
BUT I DO WANT TO POINT OUT, GETTING COVID TWICE IS KIND OF
MY THING.
( LAUGHTER )
JIMMY, I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STEAL ONE OF YOURS, TOO.
IT'S TIME FOR "MEAN TWEETS."
♪ ♪ ♪
HERE WE GO.
GET BETTER, KIMMEL, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET WORSE.
VERY MEAN.
THAT'S VERY-- THAT'S VERY MEAN, VERY MEAN.
IT'S HARD TO TELL IF KIMMEL GOT COVID FROM A STAFF MEMBER OR A
FAMILY MEMBER, BECAUSE MOST OF HIS STAFF ARE FAMILY MEMBERS.
SAD TO HEAR THAT COVID SIDELINED MY THIRD-FAVORITE JIMMY, AFTER
FALLON AND "DEAN SAUSAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW WHY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD DO THIS.
I DON'T BE WHY.
JIMMY KIMMEL HAS COVID?
WHO CARES?
I ONLY WATCH HIS SHOW FOR THE ROOTS ANYWAY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SECRETARY OF STATE, ANTONY BLINKEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOHNNY CASH IS BACK IN THE NEWS FOR A
REASON THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU.
STICK AROUND.