The idea that one is in many ways an extremely difficult person to be in a relationship with
may sound rather improbable and even at points offensive. Yet fully understanding and readily
and graciously admitting to this possibility might be the surest way of making sure one
is an endurable proposition over the long-term. There are few people more deeply insufferable
than those who don’t, at regular intervals, suspect they might be so. We are, all of us,
invariably, hugely tricky propositions. We don’t need to know anyone in particular
to know this about everyone. We have all – in some way or another – been inadequately
parented, we have a panoply of unfortunate psychological traits, we are beset by bad
habits, we are anxious, jealous, ill-tempered and vain. We are bringing an awesome amount
of trouble into someone else’s life by agreeing to be their partner. We tend to be shielded
from this unwelcome news prior to a big relationship through a mixture of sentimentality and neglect.
Our parents loved us too much to tell us; our friends don’t want to get bogged down
in detailed critiques of our personalities; a pleasant occasional meal is all they want
from us. And our exes were too keen to escape from us to offer up a helpfully detailed critique
of our personalities. They simply told us they needed a little more space – or needed
to take a long trip to India. Furthermore, when we’re on our own, we just don’t notice
how annoying we might well be in the eyes of others. Perhaps we were in a sulk for the
whole of a Sunday, but no-one was there to be driven crazy by our self-pity and our passive
fury. We may have tendencies to use our work as an escape from intimacy, but so long as
we are not permanently with someone, we can pass off our eccentric hours without comment.
Our peculiar eating habits won’t be real until there is another person across the table
to register our challenging chewing sounds and ingredient combinations. Eventually, a
partner will call us out on these traits. It feels like a horrible personal attack which
a nicer person would not put us through. But it is no such thing. It is an inevitable response
to our failings – which anyone would need eventually to bring up. Our partner is not
really doing anything odd. They are merely holding up a mirror. Everyone, seen close
up, has an appalling amount wrong with their character. It’s not us – it’s the human
condition. The specifics vary hugely, of course; people are nightmarish in different ways.
But the basic point is to share. Whatever we think or feel about ourselves, we will
be revealed as sorely defective upon close-up, prolonged inspection. Sadly, it’s not that
our partner is being too critical or unusually demanding. They are the bearer of an inevitable
news: that we are a nightmare.
Being asked to acknowledge ones flaws isn't a request to admit somthing very strange.
What would be strange would be to think that one was without major defects.
Of course we have some delightfull qualities as well, but it does mean that we are unavoidably going to be very hard for another person to live around.
We need therefore to ask ourselves In as candid a manner as as we can manage what
specifically might be slightly crazey or desperate or undeveloped in our characters.
Maturity involves having quite a detailed answer to the following question, "How are you difficult to live with."
A presumption of ones own innocence is at the heart of self rightousness and cruelty.
Because our minds may go blank at this point and remember
only our tender and beautiful sides, we can lean on a set of prompts
For example when i'm annoyed I have a tendency to...
When I feel hurt I...
Around money I can be a bit difficult because...
I guess I worry really quite a lot about ...
I suppose I might be a bit of a handful around sex because...
The point of prompting greater awareness of our questionable patterns of behavour isn't to feel guilty
or ashamed about them. Just to see how easily they can be confusing, disturbing and annoying to another person.
We need before we commit ourselves to a relationships to get fully aquainted with all the ways in which we are going to be a serious challange to live around.
Our Relationships Reboot cards inspire conversations that can help to re-kindle love between you and your partner.