- Um, how about Hitcoin?
You know, like you just hit the jackpot?
- Nah, too derivative.
I still like Midget Coin.
Makes it sound like the plucky underdog.
- Absolutely not!
I've already got enough branding problems already.
Plus, Hitcoin rhymes with Bitcoin.
People love that stuff.
- In that case, you should go with Spitcoin! (spits)
- Ow! Stop that!
Some of us are trying to create
an online currency over here.
- Totes! That's why I gave you a little seed money. (laughs)
- (frustrated growl)
- And now that I'm the primary shareholder,
let's settle this silly name game.
- Oh, here it comes.
- Its name shall be Orange Coin!
- I'd like to go on record in saying this is an awful idea.
- Seconded.
- Thirded.
- Yeah, so unless you can actually spit up orange coins,
we're gonna--
- Oh! Why didn't you just say so? (spits)
- Woah!
(upbeat music)
- That's right, that's right, that's right.
It's called Orange Coin,
and it's the hottest online currency ever.
- What can you buy with it?
Buddy, what can't you buy with it?
Orange Coin is the new gold standard.
- 10 coins? Why not 20? 40?
Yo, gonna need more coins, I got a whale on the line.
No, no, no, of course I wasn't talking about you.
- So it's an online currency that you buy with money,
then use like money?
That doesn't make any sense.
- True, but it does make a lot of dollars!
Whoop-whoop!
- For the last time,
whoop-whoop does nothing for my confusion.
Does anyone know what's going on here?
- Sadly, I do.
Years ago I created my own crack dough Currency.
We called it Tick Coin, you know, 'cause I'm a tick.
Sorta rhymes with bit. People like that.
- Yo, speed it up, Lou.
- Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Started out just the four of us,
and insatiable greed for easy money.
Six days later, we doubled in size.
Six days after that,
we had more money than we knew what to do with.
It was a real infestation.
Six days after that, they had the offices fumigated.
We lost everything, thanks a lot, Obama.
Point is, you start your own currency,
you better be ready for things to change in a hot minute.
- Yeesh, are you still talking?
- Less talk, more show me the money?
- (spits)
- Looks like things done got decadent.
- Why? 'Cause I'm wearing a dress worth 5000 Orange Coin?
- Woah! That's like a million real dollars.
- Oh, don't give me this real dollars nonsense,
it's not like they're backed by gold.
It's just worthless paper.
- This is destroying my sense of self worth.
- Yo!
You're gonna cut it before somebody
falls into a deflationary spiral,
and do you know what I'm saying, y'all.
- Psh, whatever. YOLO!
- Yo-yo-YOLO!
- Yo-yo-yo-yo-YOLO!
- YOLO!
- YOLO! Ow!
I'm not a piggy bank, dude. There's no bacon inside.
- Less talk, more coinage, Mr. Moneybags.
- (coughs)
I think I'm running a little low here.
- Hit him again, Grapefruit. We need more Orange Coin.
- Hit him.
- Hit him, hit him, hit him!
- Hit him!
- Ow! I didn't know we were--
Ow! Talking about me. Ow!
Oh! Easy money shouldn't be this--
Ow! Hard! Ow!
- Aw, this is terrible.
This might be the end of Orange Coin.
- Meh, I'm okay with it,
but only 'cause I bet my money on Marshmallow Coin.
- Yay! I'm freshly minted! (spits)
(everyone cheers)
Yay!
- Hands up, this is a raid.
- We're Agents Chorizo and Polish
of the Secret Sausage Service.
- It's not a secret if you tell everybody.
- Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious.
- You are all under arrest for the distribution
of a phony, made up, totally worthless currency.
- Yeah, only our government can do that.
- Uh, quick question.
Would a million Marshmallow Coin change your minds?
- Totes!
- Yay! I saved the day!
- Oh, I can't believe I've gotta say it,
but I think it's possible
that our greed got the best of us today.
- Yep, true.
- True.
- It's funny, I always thought carrots
were the root of all evil.
Turns out it's just money.
(everyone laughs)
- (cries)
(happy guitar music)
- [Voiceover] (cackles) Knife.