>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
SAY HI TO ST. VINCENT AND LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
THERE YOU GO.
MY GOODNESS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WHAT A GREAT WAY TO START THE WORK DAY.
LOUIS, TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF LOVELY FELLOWS OUT
HERE.
ABC NEWS CHIEF WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT JONATHAN KARL IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
HE'S GOT HIS BOOK "BETRAYAL," WHICH IS ABOUT JANUARY 6 AND ALL
THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO THAT.
BROKE SOME NEWS THE LAST FEW DAYS OVER THERE.
AND OF COURSE EVERYBODY LOVES "THE OFFICE," B.J. NOVAK IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
HE HAS A NEW FILM CALLED "VENGEANCE."
ST. VINCENT, I JUST HAVE TO SAY TO YOU REALLY QUICK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE THIS WEEK.
IT HAS BEEN SUCH A JOY TO HAVE YOU OVER THERE WITH THE BAND.
>> Louis: TRULY, FOR REAL, FOR REAL.
>> Stephen: I HOPE YOU HAVE HAD FUN.
>> I HAVE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: AREN'T THESE AMAZING PEOPLE TO PLAY WITH IN A
BEAUTIFUL SPACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
ALL RIGHT, I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT, BUT I WANT TO SHOI A
PHOTO I KEEP IN MY OFFICE.
I KEEP THAT PHOTO IN MY OFFICE.
( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S-- YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
THESE DAYS CAN BE KIND OF HARD DOING THE SHOW.
IT'S A BIT OF A GRIND HERE, AS ANYBODY WOULD TELL YOU.
IT'S A GREAT JOB, AND I'M PRIVILEGED TO HAVE IT.
AND I LOOK AT THIS AND GO LOOK WHO I GET TO MEET.
LOOK AT THE AYERSTS I HAVE ON THE SHOW, AND YOU ARE AN
EXEMPLAR ON THAT, SO THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY SELECTING THE FINEST
AND HEALTHIEST NEWS, CROSS- BREEDING IT WITH SETUPS
DESCENDED FROM THE MOST TOPICAL STORYLINES, THEN HAND-RAISING
THEM TO PRODUCE FOR YOU THE AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB
BEST-IN-SHOW-WINNING PRIZED TIBETAN MASTIFF THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HUFF FROM A CINCH SACK
FULL OF UNCAPPED FELT-TIP MARKERS, BREAK INTO A ROADSIDE
PETTING ZOO, SPRAY THE PLACE DOWN WITH BLACK MARKET
PHEROMONES, THEN UNLOCK ALL THE CAGES AND UNLEASH A WEEK-LONG
INTERSPECIES ORGY TO PRODUCE THE SHRIEKING, INBRED EVOLUTIONARY
CUL-DE-SAC OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
REANIMATED DEAD SPIDERS AS ROBOT GRIPPING CLAWS.
THANK, SCIENCE.
THAT IS A HORRIFYING COLLECTION OF PANTS-CRAPPING
TERROR.
IT'S AN IMAGE RIPPED RIGHT FROM THE NIGHTMARES I'LL BE HAVING
LATER TONIGHT.
IT'S A VENN DIAGRAM WHERE SPIDERS, ROBOTS, AND ZOMBIES
OVERLAP.
JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM IN?
OH, MY GOD!
SPIDERS APPARENTLY FLEX USING A HYDRAULIC SYSTEM BASED IN THE
TORSO.
SO SCIENTISTS AT RICE UNIVERSITY THOUGHT, HEY, WHAT IF WE JUST
JAMMED A NEEDLE IN THERE AND CONTROLLED IT OURSELVES?
I'LL LET "THEM" UPSET YOU.
>> WE TOOK THE SPIDER.
WE PLACED THE NEEDLE IN IT, NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING TO
HAPPEN.
WE KIND OF HAD, LIKE, AN ESTIMATE OF WHERE WE WANTED TO
PLACE THE NEEDLE, AND WHEN WE DID IT AND IT WORKED!
THE FIRST TIME, RIGHT OFF THE BAT, ACTUALLY.
AND THAT WAS REALLY...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.
>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.
>> Stephen: I DO!
YOU MADE AN ARCADE CLAW MACHINE OUT OF A DEAD ARACHNID.
AND NOW WE LIVE IN A TIM BURTON FEVER DREAM.
THESE RESEARCHERS SAY THAT USING DEAD SPIDERS COULD CREATE CHEAP,
EFFECTIVE, AND BIODEGRADABLE ALTERNATIVES TO CURRENT
ROBOTIC SYSTEMS.
AND THEY HAVE DUBBED THEIR NEW AREA OF RESEARCH "NECROBOTICS."
SO THEY'RE NECROBOTS?
THAT IS IN NO WAY REASSURING, THOUGH, THE TITLE ALONE HAS
ALREADY BEEN GREEN LIT AS THE NEXT MICHAEL BAY MOVIE.
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING, "STEVE, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE NECROBOT
SPIDERS DEFINITELY RISE UP AND TURN AGAINST US?
HOW WILL WE GET RID OF THEM?" APPARENTLY, THE ANSWER IS USING
OTHER NECROSPIDERS.
THAT'S REALLY GOING TO CHANGE HOW WE REACT TO BUGS IN OUR
HOUSE: "OH, MY GOD!
IT'S A SPIDER!
GET ME THE SPIDER!" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Louis: OH, GOD.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, EMPLOYEES AT A FRUIT STAND FOUND A WALLET,
AND IT WAS WILLIAM SHATNER'S.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S THE STORY.
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S ALL THERE.
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING'S RIGHT THERE.
WORKERS-- WHERE DO THEY WORK?
FRUIT STAND.
WHAT DO THEY DO THERE?
FIND WALLETS.
WHOSE WALLET?
WILLIAM SHATNER'S.
THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO ADD TO THAT STORY.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT CLASSIC HEMINGWAY STORY:
"FOR SALE.
BABY SHOES.
THEY'RE WILLIAM SHATNER'S."
MEANWHILE, A NEW CONTEST ASKS: "WANT FREE SUBWAY SANDWICHES FOR
LIFE?" NOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THERE'S BIG TRAVEL NEWS-- OTHERWISE KNOWN AS
"HUDSON NEWS"-- BECAUSE THIS MORNING, JETBLUE AGREED TO
BUY SPIRIT AIRLINES FOR $3.8 BILLION.
IT'S HISTORIC.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE WANTED SPIRIT AIRLINES.
IT'S NORMALLY THE LAST CHOICE BEHIND, "CAN'T WE JUST WALK FROM
ALBANY TO ROCHESTER?" THIS DEAL COMES AFTER A LONG
BIDDING WAR BETWEEN JETBLUE AND FRONTIER, WHICH IS WHY INSIDERS
SAY GETTING TO AN AGREEMENT WAS A ROCKY PROCESS.
OH, YOU MEAN IT WAS...
TURBULENT?
( APPLAUSE ) NOTHING IS FINAL YET, BECAUSE
THE TWO AIRLINES NOW HAVE TO WAIT FOR REGULATORY APPROVAL,
BUT THEY EXPECT TO CLOSE THE TRANSACTION NO LATER THAN THE
FIRST HALF OF 2024.
SOUNDS LIKE A LONG TIME, BUT WHILE THEY WAIT, THEY CAN GO TO
SBARRO, MAYBE CHECK OUT THE DUTY-FREE, GET SOME COLOGNE,
LIQUOR, AND 700 CIGARETTES.
WALK BACK TO SBARRO.
CONVINCE THEMSELVES THAT 9 A.M.
IS LATE ENOUGH FOR A COCKTAIL.
THEN, BOOM, IT'S 2024.
BUT I GOTTA SAY, THIS MERGER IS BITTERSWEET FOR ME, BECAUSE
SPIRIT AIRLINES IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMPANIES TO MAKE FUN
OF.
HERE'S A TASTE.
MEANWHILE, AIRLINE PASSENGERS WERE STUNNED WHEN A WOMEN WAS
CAUGHT BREASTFEEDING HER HAIRLESS CAT ON A DELTA FLIGHT.
I KNOW, SHOCKING...
THAT THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN ON SPIRIT AIRLINES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SPIRIT AIRLINES RELEASED THIS PRO-PRIDE STATEMENT: "AT SPIRIT,
WE EMBRACE ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO SIT IN PET CARGO
AND PAY FOR THEIR GINGER ALE AND PEANUTS WITH HUMAN TEETH.
DELTA UPDATED THEIR WEBSITE TO SAY MASKS ARE NOW OPTIONAL FOR
EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS FOLLOWING THE WHITE HOUSE
ANNOUNCEMENT, WHILE SPIRIT AIRLINES RELEASED THIS COCKTAIL
NAPKIN: "SPIRIT HAS NEVER VALUED HUMAN LIFE."
( LAUGHTER ) FARE THEE WELL, SPIRIT!
IN YOUR HONOR, I RAISE A NON-COMPLIMENTARY GLASS OF
UNREFRIGERATED ORANGE DRINK.
MAY YOU LAYOVER IN HELL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JONATHAN KARL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )