- My feedback from the person I wrote about
was not too kind.
It started out, I thought it was gonna be really nice,
you know like, "You're new song "July" is really beautiful.
"That's real music."
And then I was like, all right, thank you.
And then I got,
"Yeah, tell whoever wrote it, it's pretty great."
And I'm like fuck you, bro, you know I fucking wrote it.
It's like right to our point, like come on.
Fuck you, suck one, like whatever.
I can't even talk about it, but like,
I'm like this is the exact reason
why I fucking left you.
(jazz music)
What inspired "July", I was in Bali for a writing camp
and when we got in, I was just like
to be honest, I'm really far away from home.
We've been here a few days.
I've had some time to sit in my room and think.
I've just been getting depressed and I'm thinking about
some shit that went down with me this year.
I went through a bad breakup on July 4th.
That was after a two and a half year long relationship.
I have to know you to be able to write with you
so I was just kind of like telling them my story
and vice versa.
Whether it was in someone's current marriage
or in my past relationship,
everybody's going through the same shit, really.
"July" is such a special record to me.
It's probably the most personal record
that I've put down on paper.
After writing the song, I was so happy,
but then we had to fly home
and my anxiety, whew, went back up.
♪ I've been holding my breath ♪
♪ I've been counting to 10 ♪
♪ Over something you said ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And I've been holding back tears ♪
♪ While you're throwing back beers ♪
♪ I'm alone in bed ♪
Visually, when I was thinking about that
I was kind of thinking about the times
that we were stuck in the car together.
Man, you're really pissing me off,
but I'm gonna stare at the window for argument sake
and try to keep my cool 'cause I know
if I go at it, we're just gonna be going at it all day.
I was so over it that like, hearing the same shit,
it would just, like I couldn't be mad at anyone but myself
'cause I was staying around.
So like, I would just stare out the window
and take a breath and
try to ignore it,
but also be processing like,
is this really my life right now?
♪ You know I ♪
♪ I'm afraid of change ♪
♪ Guess that's why ♪
♪ We stay the same ♪
For me, there was always chaos, right.
So when the chaos stopped, I was like,
it was almost uncomfortable.
The scariest part was going home
to the house that we lived in together.
Going to bed alone.
Hearing it completely silent in the hallways.
Like, just me, the dogs.
That was the scariest part.
Not like, the person,
'cause the person's treating me like shit
for two and a half years, right,
and we'd been doing this for a long ass time.
Really, whenever I thought about good outweighing the bad,
that didn't ever happen.
There was always more bad than good.
Yeah, we were sitting on the couch sitting, watching TV,
but it's not like we talked or we wanted to talk
or it's not like, whenever we woke up in the morning
we were excited anymore to hangout.
Like when we first moved in together, I was stoked.
I couldn't wait to wake up in the morning
and rollover and be like, what up, bro!
Like you're my homie, let's go smoke weed.
But that stopped happening.
♪ So tell me to leave ♪
♪ I'll pack my bags ♪
♪ Get on the road ♪
There's so much of this, I'll leave if you want me to leave.
Well, do you want to leave?
Well, I want to leave if you want me to leave.
That's what the conversations were, every day.
Finally I was at this last straw.
Just tell me
and I'll get my shit, or well, it was my house,
so you can get your shit and get the fuck out.
I will end it.
Like, I'm fine, I'll be able to go on
and I'm gonna grow up and I'll be fine by myself.
I have an amazing support system, I'm cool.
Make the fuck, make your mind up.
You know, because, this is a lot.
And it's like a lot of back and forth.
So if you want me to go,
I'll fucking go and I'll be done,
but like, this is it.
♪ Find someone that loves you ♪
♪ Better than I do ♪
♪ Darling I know ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause you remind me every day ♪
♪ I'm not enough ♪
♪ But I still stay ♪
If you don't like this much about me
why don't you go find someone who doesn't have these issues.
Go find someone that loves you way better than I do
'cause I've done as much as I can do.
By being there for you.
Trying to build your confidence
and love you as much as I can.
I'm a lover, I love loving people.
I love taking care of people
and I did everything in my power to make that happen
and if that's not enough for you,
this is all I can give
'cause I'm at a breaking point.
I'm out of energy to give.
If that's not enough, then bon voyage.
♪ Feels like a lifetime ♪
♪ Just tryna get by ♪
♪ While we're dying inside ♪
It was just repetitive, so if you're living the same day
every day for two and a half years,
it is exhausting.
You are so tired by the end of the day.
It's insane, and like, every day was walking on egg shells.
So just trying to get by, that's me like,
stepping around like, oh,
I do not want to say the wrong thing.
I could say hey, I hope you have an amazing day
and he'd be like, "Fuck you!"
Dying inside is also like, we're fucking miserable.
That's a really hard way to live.
Even though 24 months, like you said, is not that long.
Feels like fucking forever.
Like just living the same day every day.
Same conversations, same arguments.
Everything's the same.
♪ I've done a lot of things wrong ♪
♪ Loving you being one ♪
♪ But I can't move on ♪
I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship, too.
Now I'm not saying that
I'm like a fucking saint in relationships.
I love really hard and I really like to take care of people,
but at the same time, I'm fucking human
so I'm gonna make a mistake or two every once in a while.
Trust me, when I did make a mistake,
it was under a microscope.
So I knew when I made a mistake.
I didn't get by with nothing.
I think despite all the shit that we went through,
the reason why I couldn't move on, was again,
brings me back to the fear of change
and being comfortable.
In my case with this person
there was no way of telling my heart or my brain, stop.
Until, I call it the switch, the light switch,
until the light switch goes boop
and the lights are off,
there's one day when, with all people,
you lose your shit and you're done
and the switch goes off and you're fine leaving that person,
but until it does, you're not gonna be done.
♪ If you want me to leave ♪
♪ Then tell me to leave ♪
♪ And baby I'll go ♪
Everything's a cycle for this song.
So we're back to the same conversation.
Fuck, I just sang this whole fucking song
and you're still like,
if you want me to leave, bro, I'll go.
That was my big question every day,
was do you want to break up, 'cause we can't.
But tell me that you want to leave me.
I don't want to have to wonder every day.
Wondering was the worst part.
Does he not love me?
Does he not think I'm pretty?
Does he want to be with her instead?
Are they texting, are they whatever?
Do I need to go through his phone?
I don't want to go through your phone
'cause also, ladies, if you go through your man's phone,
you're gonna find something that you don't want to see.
Whether he's doing something sus or not,
you can always find something you're gonna get mad at.
So that's just never a point
that I want to get to ever again.
♪ 'Cause you remind me every day ♪
♪ I'm not enough but I still stay ♪
You remind me every day I'm not enough but I still stay
is my favorite line of the song.
That's what I truly honestly felt.
I had genuinely felt like I was not enough
and that I would never be enough
and that was like,
the worst feeling ever.
And I still have pain from it when ever I,
you and I talk about this and I can see it in my head.
'Cause no one knows the exact situation.
It's like, I'm sitting here talking to you guys
and in my brain I'm seeing everything that's going down
and I just felt like every day
there was always something
that needed to be changed about me
and I never was right, I never was good enough.
I never fixed whatever you needed fixed
and I'm not gonna be able to do that
and you tell me every single day
and you're like, beating a dead horse at this point.
The only reason I got my answer was 'cause
something big happened.
But I swear, if there had not been an incident
that was like, this is the incident
of why we're breaking up,
we probably would still be going through the cycle.
And there's not days where like, I want to text him
and be like, hey, I miss, but you can't do that.
You just like, can't because I've done a really good job
for almost a year forward.
I've done such a good job
and I didn't actually think that I'd be able to go a year
without this person and I've proved that to myself
that I can and I will.
And that's like a cool thing for me
'cause I thought that would be impossible.
I thought this was gonna be like,
forever shit that I was gonna be dealing with forever.
And the fact that I got out of this
means that I can do really anything for myself
if I really stick to my grounds
and do what I'm saying I'm gonna do, you know?
(jazz music)