Are you listening?
Show me.
In this video, we're going to talk about the importance of active listening
in American culture.
In my experience learning Spanish, I found that my listening skills have always been
stronger than my speaking skills.
Even though I’m now fluent in Spanish, I often feel like I need to prove my ability
to understand the language.
One of the reasons that I focus so heavily on conversation skills, communication strategies,
and transition expressions is that they often prove that your language ability
is as strong as it is.
Like it or not, when we are speaking a language that isn't our first, we often have to show
other people that we understand them.
If the other person hasn’t learned another language, they may not understand that your mistakes
do NOT mean you don’t understand the language.
Mistakes are just normal and natural.
If you’ve ever been in the middle of an interaction and you got the sense that the
other person was doubting that you actually understood them, it may actually be that you
didn’t show them that you were listening.
In American culture, we expect people to participate actively in the conversation.
Many non-native speakers assume that this means that they need to constantly be talking.
And especially if you’re a little introverted or shy, it may feel a little intense to always
be the one participating in the conversation.
But I have good news for you!
If you’ve ever felt tongue-tied or stuck in the conversation, you’re not really
sure what you should be saying or what you should be contributing, not all of these active
listening techniques that I'm going to talk about actually require you to speak in words.
You don’t have to speak in a full sentence in order to
show the person that you’re listening.
In fact, you don’t even have to say anything!
While there are a lot of techniques that you can use in order to show active listening,
I'm going to give you just a few examples to keep it simple.
If you want to go deeper into active listening, I encourage you to check out my course called
Participate Actively in Conversations.
You can find out more details at the link below.
So let’s talk about five active listening techniques that you can use in order to show
that you’re engaged in the conversation, that you understand what the other person
is saying, and that you want to hear more.
The first active listening technique that we’re going to look at is making eye contact.
Believe it or not, making eye contact can be quite challenging for many non-native speakers.
Depending on your cultural background, making eye contact can be seen as a little aggressive
or even a little bit rude.
In some cultures, you show deference to another person
by not constantly looking them in the eye.
However, if you’re interacting with an American, you want to look them in the eye.
We expect a person who is actively listening to us to look us in the eye
to show that they’re paying attention.
We connect with people through this maintained eye contact.
You probably have noticed that when you watch the videos, you like the videos where the other
person is looking directly into the camera.
So I want to encourage you to practice maintaining eye contact when you’re having a conversation.
Yes, you can look off to the side or look around at some point, but you always want
to return your gaze back to the other person.
Keep in mind that eye contact does not mean staring.
It’s not an intense look into the other person’s eyes.
It’s a little more relaxed: you’re just gazing at the other person, listening to what
they have to say, and showing them that you care by maintaining eye contact.
If you start watching American news, American television, or even movies, you’ll notice
that the characters or the broadcasters always look the other person in the eye.
This is how we show respect for the other person and we show that we’re listening.
Next, I want to talk about another active listening technique
that doesn’t require you to speak.
We're going to talk about nodding your head.
Like with eye contact, I encourage you to watch native English speakers interacting
and pay attention to how much they’re nodding their heads.
In some cultures, nodding your head may be a little bit more than it is in the United
States.
In other cultures, you may not nod your head, or even nodding your head may actually mean
something else.
But in American culture, nodding your head usually signals “yes,”
but it also signals that you’re listening.
If you notice when someone’s being interviewed, whether that’s an interview on YouTube or
a news program, the other person is probably nodding their head in order to show interest
in what the other person has said and also sometimes to agree.
If you want to encourage the other person to keep talking and show them that you’re
listening, you need to nod your head occasionally.
I want to remind you that nodding your head constantly probably
will signal that you don’t understand.
Think about it: if you’re constantly going "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh," the other person
may wonder if you’re really listening to what they have to say.
But just nodding occasionally, a slight nod of the head, that's going to encourage the
other person to keep sharing.
So I want to encourage you to practice nodding your head.
Pay attention to native English speakers and pay attention to how much they’re nodding
their heads so that you get a sense of what’s natural.
Another way that you can show active listening without actually speaking
is to use facial expressions.
You may have noticed that Americans tend to be quite expressive,
both with our tones but also with our faces.
So I really want to encourage you to think about how you’re moving your face
when you’re interacting with an American.
Keep in mind that if you’re not used to showing a lot of expressiveness with your
face, it may take some practice.
Your face will naturally rest in a default position.
You may need to practice varying your facial expressions for effect.
The idea is that your facial expressions should reflect your reaction to the other person's
statement, what the other person is sharing.
If you’re happy, your facial expression should show happy.
If it's shocking or upsetting, you may want to show that it's shocking or upsetting.
If it's disappointing, you want to show that it's disappointing, not just with your face
but also with your body language.
By using facial expressions during the conversation, you’re showing the other person that you’re
engaged and you don’t even have to speak!
But it does show them that you understand.
Like I said, Americans expect to see these kinds of reactions.
If you’re not reacting, it’s going to be harder
for the other person to connect with you.
And they may doubt that you understand them.
To practice this, I encourage you to study the reactions that you see when watching two
people having a conversation or even when you’re telling a story to a friend.
Pay attention to how they react and try to model these same reactions.
It can take practice, but it is totally worth it.
It’s one of the easiest ways to show the other person that
you care what they have to say.
Now that we’ve looked at three ways that you can show active listening without actually
speaking, let’s look at two verbal ways to participate in the conversation.
Let's talk about rejoinders.
Rejoinders are those short sounds that you make in order to show the other person that
you’re engaged in the conversation, that you’re following what they have to say,
and that you’re interested in hearing more.
There are a LOT of rejoinders, and it does take some practice to use rejoinders correctly.
Your tone really matters when using rejoinders.
I encourage you to pay attention how native speakers use rejoinders and start creating
a list of your own and writing down the tone.
Rejoinders are a really interesting way to participate in the conversation without focusing
too much attention on the words that you need to say.
Here are some common rejoinders:
Mmmhmm, mmmhmm, mmmhmm
When you make this sound - mmmhmm - you're usually telling the other person that you're
listening and encouraging them to keep going.
In general, your tone is going to sound like that - mmmhmm, mmmhmm - that's encouraging
the other person to keep talking.
A similar sound that you can make in order to engage in conversation is to say “uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh."
That's basically saying “yes” and showing the other person that you’re listening.
We often use "uh-huh" to show the person that we're listening
especially if they’ve been talking for quite a while.
You may also show interest in the other person’s story by saying “Oh?" or "Ohh... or "Ohhhh,"
"OHHH."
There's all kinds of different tones that you can use with "oh."
Some other rejoinders that you may want to practice include “Wow!”, “Really?”,
and “I know!”
Pay attention to your tone when using these rejoinders.
Slightly shifting the rise and fall of your voice can actually affect the emotion or attitude
that you’re conveying through these rejoinders.
I encourage you to pay extra attention to your intonation.
If you want more guidance on how to use intonation in these short expressions, I encourage you
to check out my course, 30 Days of Intonation.
Lastly, if you want to show the other person that you’re listening, you can always ask
them clarifying questions.
If you’re listening carefully to what the other person has said, but maybe you want
a few more details or you want them to clarify something because it wasn’t entirely clear,
you can ask a clarifying question.
Your questions will show the other person that you care about what they’re sharing,
and that you want to know a little bit more.
I encourage you to practice clarifying questions so that
you feel comfortable asking for more details.
In addition to clarifying questions, you may want to ask relevant questions that encourage
the other person to go deeper into their story, share more about their experience,
or explain their opinion a little bit more.
Anything you can do to show the other person that you want to hear more from them will
enable the conversation to go a little more smoothly.
Asking questions is one of the most straightforward ways you can show the other person that you’re
listening and prove that you understand them.
Now that we’ve talked about these five ways that you can show active listening,
I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person
wasn’t quite sure you understood them?
Have you ever had to prove that you understood what the other person was saying
by engaging in the conversation?
Or have you used any of these active listening techniques before?
I’d love to hear how you are showing other people that you’re listening to them.
Remember, active listening is expected in American culture, so the more you can practice
it and the more you feel comfortable with these techniques, the more that native English
speakers will be sure that you understand them.
And like I said, active listening is a great way to participate and engage in the conversation
and will hopefully lead to better conversations and better relationships in English.
As always, if you have any questions, please be sure to leave a comment below the video.
Once again, I'm Kim from englishwihtkim.com.
I'm your guide to the essential conversation skills you need to sound more natural in English.
If you like this video, please give it a thumbs up and share it with a friend.
Have a good one - goodbye!