>> STEPHEN: NOW, NORMALLY, IF PEOPLE WERE ACCUSING A
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF COZYING UP TO VLADIMIR PUTIN,
THAT WOULD BE THE BIGGEST SCANDAL HE'D EVER FACE.
BUT DONALD TRUMP DOES HAVE A LOT OF FACE.
SO IT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST TRUMP SCANDAL THIS WEEKEND, WHICH
BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S WERD.
WERD!
(APPLAUSE) WHAT THE FAMILY?!
FOR SPACE CONSIDERATIONS, WE HAD TO SHORTEN IT TO "WHAT THE EFF?"
BUT KNOW THAT IT MEANS "WHAT THE FAMILY?!
ONE OF THE MOST MOVING PARTS OF THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION WAS A
SPEECH GIVEN BY KHIZR AND GHAZALA KHAN, THE PARENTS OF AN
ARMY CAPTAIN KILLED IN IRAQ, WHO CALLED OUT TRUMP FOR HIS
ANTI-MUSLIM BIAS.
>> DONALD TRUMP CONSISTENTLY SMEARS THE CHARACTER OF
MUSLIMS.
YOU HAVE SACRIFICED NOTHING.
>> STEPHEN: STRONG WORDS FROM A GRIEVING PARENT.
MR. TRUMP, YOUR RESPONSE?
>> I THINK I'VE MADE A LOT OF SACRIFICES.
I WORK VERY, VERY HARD.
I'VE CREATED THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF JOBS, TENS OF
THOUSANDS OF JOBS, BUILT GREAT STRUCTURES.
I'VE HAD -- I'VE HAD TREMENDOUS SUCCESS.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP'S SACRIFICED A LOT.
FIRST, HUMILITY.
(LAUGHTER) THEN, TRUMP WENT AFTER THE
GRIEVING MOTHER, IMPLYING SHE WASN'T ALLOWED TO SPEAK BECAUSE
SHE'S MUSLIM.
>> IF YOU LOOK AT HIS WIFE, SHE WAS STANDING THERE.
SHE HAD NOTHING TO SAY.
SHE PROBABLY -- MAYBE SHE WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP KNOWS A GOOD HUSBAND ALLOWS HIS WIFE TO
SAY SOMETHING -- (LAUGHTER)
NOW, AN ORDINARY CANDIDATE -- AN ORDINARY CANDIDATE,
WHEN FACED WITH NEAR UNIVERSAL CONDEMNATION WOULD STOP THERE.
BUT THIS MORNING, TRUMP TOOK TO TWITTER TO GO AFTER THE DAD
AGAIN, TWEETING, "MR. KHAN, WHO DOES NOT KNOW ME, VICIOUSLY
ATTACKED ME FROM THE STAGE OF THE D.N.C. AND IS NOW ALL OVER
T.V. DOING THE SAME - NICE!" >> STEPHEN: YEAH, NICE.
I MEAN, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY JUDGE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
UNLESS YOU'VE MET THEM?
WELL, I'VE MET DONALD TRUMP, SO I'M ON SOLID GROUND WHEN I SAY,
DONALD, YOU'RE BEING A DAD-BAG.
WHICH AGAIN, DUE TO SPACE, WE'VE HAD TO SHORTEN.
CLEARLY, DONALD TRUMP'S PROBLEM IS HE SAYS THINGS THAT GET HIM
IN TROUBLE.
THE ONLY SOLUTION IS FOR HIM TO SAY THINGS THAT GET HIM INTO
MORE TROUBLE.
IT'S WORKED UNTIL NOW.
THIS ENTIRE CAMPAIGN, TRUMP'S MADE US FORGET ABOUT HIS CRAZY
STATEMENTS BY SAYING SOMETHING EVEN CRAZIER.
HE ANNOUNCED HIS CAMPAIGN BY CALLING MEXICANS MURDERERS AND
RAPISTS, WHICH SEEMED TERRIBLE, UNTIL HE SAID JOHN MCCAIN WASN'T
A WAR HERO BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN CAPTURED.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) P.O.S. STANDS FOR "PART OF
SOCIETY."
AND WE WERE SHOCKED, UNTIL HE MADE US FORGET MCCAIN BY SAYING
MEGYN KELLY HAD BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER "WHEREVER."
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
BUT HE OUTDID THAT BY SAYING WE SHOULD BAN MUSLIMS FROM ENTERING
THE COUNTRY.
THEN HE MADE US FORGET ABOUT THAT BY TALKING ABOUT THE SIZE
OF HIS PENIS, WHICH SEEMED SHOCKING UNTIL HE IMPLIED TED
CRUZ'S FATHER HELPED KILL J.F.K.
THE NEXT TERRIBLE THING FIXES THE PREVIOUS TERRIBLE THING.
IT'S THE LIKE THE OLD WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A FLY, ONLY TRUMP
WOULD NEVER BE SEEN WITH AN OLDER WOMAN.
(LAUGHTER) NOW, PERSONALLY,
I'M REMINDED OF WINSTON CHURCHILL WHO ONCE SAID, THOSE
WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO-- TRUMP SAID
WHAT?!
TRUMP'S GOING TO HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS TO MAKE US
FORGET THESE THINGS HE SAID ABOUT THE PARENTS OF A FALLEN
SOLDIER.
BUT IF HE SUCCEEDS AT MAKING US FORGET, HE'LL GET TO SAY THE
CRAZIEST THING I CAN IMAGINE.
AND IF THAT DAY COMES, WE ARE ALL F...AMILY-ED. +
AND THAT'S THE WERD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE MAN HIMSELF, DONALD TRUMP.