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♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
BEFORE WE GO ON.
LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Jon: HELLO.
>> Stephen: WE MISSED YOU LAST NIGHT.
>> Jon: I KNOW.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS PRECISE LOW THE TIME WHEN ALL OF US GO TO
WORK.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR DESPAIR OR SELF-PITY AND NO NEED FOR
SILENCE.
SO WE'RE USING OUR VOICE.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE GOT TO DO IT.
>> Stephen: I-- I ABSOLUTELY WANT YOU TO STAY SAFE AND STAY
SOUND AND STAY SOCIALLY DISTANT, EVEN WITH YOUR SOCIAL MOSCOW.
BUT, MAN, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU PLAY AT A PROTEST.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU MIGHT JUST GET YOUR CHANCE.
>> Stephen: CALLED IT!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU, JON.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY APPLYING THE HIGH-END
SHEER LIQUID FOUNDATION OF NEWS AND CONTOURING MY CHEEKS TO
HIGHLIGHT THE BIGGEST STORIES IN THE INSTAGRAM-WORTHY MAKEUP
TUTORIAL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I JUST DIP MY HEAD IN A BOWL OF LEAD-BASED
PAINT, GRAB SOME ROSE ART CRAYONS AND A PERMANENT MARKER
TO SLAP ON THE DERANGED CLOWN FACE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CAROLE BASKIN
HAS BEEN AWARDED THE ZOO ONCE OWNED BY 'THE TIGER KING' JOE
EXOTIC."
OH, HOW THE MULLET HAS TURNED!
JOE EXOTIC AND CAROLE BASKIN WERE RIVAL ZOOKEEPERS IN THE
NETFLIX SHOW "TIGER KING."
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IMAGINE AN UNEMPLOYED MAGICIAN TOO
IRRESPONSIBLE TO SELL BOOTLEG FIREWORKS, SO INSTEAD HE'S
ALLOWED TO OWN ENDANGERED MEGAFAUNA.
JOE EXOTIC IS CURRENTLY SERVING 22 YEARS FOR PLOTTING BASKIN'S
MURDER, AND BASKIN HAD PREVIOUSLY WON A MILLION-DOLLAR
SUIT AGAINST HIM, WHICH IS WHY SHE'S BEEN AWARDED HIS ZOO,
WHICH IS PERFECT, BECAUSE NOW SHE HAS SOMEWHERE TO HIDE HER
CURRENT HUSBAND'S BODY...
ALLEGEDLY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN SOCIAL DISTANCING, A
HIGH SCHOOL IN FLORIDA HELD A JET SKI GRADUATION CEREMONY--
WHICH I'M ONLY 90% SURE ISN'T HOW FLORIDA ALWAYS DOES
GRADUATION CEREMONIES.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, BRACE YOURSELF: THERE'S SOME GOOD
NEWS.
AFTER GOING BANKRUPT AND VANISHING TWO YEARS AGO, "NECCO
WAFERS ARE OFFICIALLY BACK!" NOTICE I DID NOT SAY "VERY GOOD
NEWS."
AND YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT "THEY USE THE SAME CLASSIC
RECIPE."
SO, DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL STILL HAVE THAT SIGNATURE FLAVOR OF
CHALK SLURRY COMMUNION WAFER.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AN ALLIGATOR WHO SURVIVED THE WORLD WAR II
BOMBINGS OF BERLIN HAS DIED."
MAN, THOSE ISRAELIS ARE PATIENT.
SATURN THE ALLIGATOR HAD EVEN "ESCAPED THE BERLIN ZOO IN
NOVEMBER 1943, AMID ALLIED AIR RAIDS."
AND LIKE SO MANY VETERANS OF WORLD WAR II, HE NEVER TALKED
ABOUT IT.
IN A PUBLISHED FAREWELL, THE ZOO SAID OF SATURN, "HE SAW MANY OF
US WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN.
WE HOPE THAT WE DID NOT DISAPPOINT HIM."
BASED ON WHAT I KNOW ABOUT ALLIGATORS, IF HE SAW YOU AS
CHILDREN AND YOU MADE IT TO ADULTHOOD, I'M GUESSING HE WAS
DISAPPOINTED.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, I KNOW IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS CHAOS AND
UNCERTAINTY, YOU'RE ALL ASKING THE SAME QUESTION: HOW WILL
"FULLER HOUSE" HANDLE LORI LOUGHLIN'S ABSENCE WHILE SHE'S
IN JAIL?
AFTER AGREEING TO PLEAD GUILTY IN THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS
SCANDAL, LOUGHLIN HAD TO BE WRITTEN OUT OF THE SHOW IN AS
CLEVER A WAY AS POSSIBLE.
SO, IN AN UPCOMING EPISODE, WHILE TRYING TO SORT OUT A
FAMILY PROBLEM, D.J. SAYS TO JESSE, "YOU DON'T THINK THAT
MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUN THIS BY AUNT BECKY?"
TO WHICH JESSE REPLIES, "AUNT BECKY IS IN NEBRASKA, HELPING
OUT HER MOTHER."
PROBLEM SOLVED!
THOUGH, THEY DON'T SAY WHAT SHE'S HELPING HER WITH, BUT I
HEAR NEXT SEASON AUNT BECKY'S MOTHER GETS A FULL RIDE AT
STANFORD FOR POWER LIFTING.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A GROUP OF MONKEYS IN INDIA SWIPED BLOOD
SAMPLES FROM CORONAVIRUS PATIENTS FROM A LOCAL MEDICAL
COLLEGE."
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: MEDICAL COLLEGES
MUST STOP GIVING LAB INTERNSHIPS TO MONKEYS.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH THEIR MONKEY DADS DONATE.
NOW, APPARENTLY, THE MONKEYS STOLE THE SAMPLES OF "FOUR
COVID-19 PATIENTS WHO ARE UNDERGOING TREATMENT," AND THE
MEDICAL COLLEGE'S TOP OFFICIAL COMPLAINED "WE HAD TO TAKE THEIR
BLOOD SAMPLES AGAIN."
REALLY?
WILD MONKEYS ARE RUNNING AMOK WITH YOUR VIRUS BLOOD AND YOUR
FIRST THOUGHT IS "DARN IT, I GOTTA RETAKE THE SAMPLES."
REMINDS ME OF THE "HINDENBURG."
>> IT'S BURNING!
IT'S BURNING!
GREAT!
NOW WE GOTTA BUY MORE HYDROGEN!
OH, THE INCONVENIENCE!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
♪