Hey guys, this is like kind of a serious video and I never thought that I was gonna talk about this on YouTube,
but I feel like I should, because it's scary.
So, as you saw from the title of this video, people still see me as female or at least I think that they do
And that is terrifying to me, okay, because I know that it's just how I think in my brain,
but I think because my entire past, my entire childhood, I was, it's engrained in me that I am a girl.
I am feminine and nobody ever let me forget it.
I would wear boys clothes and all of these things are in quotation marks, I'm just gonna stop doing this [".."]
just so you get it.. Boys clothes are whatever boys clothes, okay, but society.. ehh
Anytime I would wear boys clothes or masculine clothes, it would be taken off of me
and somebody would give me a dress or somebody would make me wear a dress
and people would tell me to do all these things that were feminine
and it was just like.. I i it was drilled into me that I'm a girl.
I mean I did do Taekwondo and I did some activities that I guess you could consider masculine
as a kid, but it was still like the background is like "oh you're doing Taekwondo, but you're still a girl"
Like don't cut your hair 'cause you're a girl, you're gonna look like a little boy in a Taekwondo outfit if you cut your hair.
So no matter what I did, not matter what I did, every corner, every time at school, anytime you would write something.
Everything. It's always been there. So when I started to transition, it was very hard for me to like let go of that
because I always knew there was something different when I realized that I was trans,
I realized that I was trans. Like it's there, I'm like oh my god, all of these things make sense.
Fuck everyone else, right?
But it's really not that easy... Ehmm even after I started hormones and stuff like that.
Like I.. It took a long time for me to "pass" 100%. Ehhm... I would say about 10 months maybe,
I don't know, I would have to like look back at my old videos of me like month by month,
but.. I would say like maybe 100% was about 10 months on T,
'cause I had like "hmm" and than "hm" a little bit,
ehhm.. But, and my voice dropped like "hm", like this
Ehhm but..
Even at that, it was like I focused so much of like 5 and a half years of my life knowing that I'm trans,
ehh, before I could get testosterone and start to pass.
So I was like 5 and a half years of my life where I was like dictating every single movement and
thing that I did, and movement with my body and things that I said and things that I thought
and things I wanted to do.. Everything was like personalized for people to think that I'm male
And like.. I needed that. I needed people to know that I'm a guy, because I'm a guy
Just 'cause I don't look like one, doens't mean I'm not a guy, right?
But it was so hard, because everything that I did was like alright I'm gonna wear this underwear
because they make me feel more masculine and maybe people will get that vibe from me.
And it was really hard 'cause I still felt like people saw me as female
'cause they like misgendered me, they called me my old name
and it was really hard, but it's, it's like, I'm, I'm, I pass now.. People have absolutely no idea I'm trans.
People... What they'll do is that they'll just guess that I'm gay
because I'm just very like movement orientated, and I guess I'm very feminine
and apparently being a guy and feminine means you're gay,
which is just like, okay society, okay..
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can think whatever you want about me,
but like really, that's the deduction you're making form this, like okay.
Anyways, I still feel it to this day.
And it's very terrifying and I feel it from other people as well as myself.
Now a part of this might be because my dad and my stepmom and my sister still use my old nickname
and female pronouns. Ehh, like she/her pronouns.
Ehm.. and it's very problematic and they've tried to stop, and they're getting a lot better now, thank god.
But a part of it is that I still see, feel like they see me as like the old me
Ehm.. and like the old physical me. I'm like the same person, I'm just way more myself now
Ehm.. but then, it like, also in public... I think I'm like how do these people know I'm male?
Like how scary of a thought is that? Like yo, I've been on hormones now for almost 6 years
and this is how I'm thinking.. It's very strange.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and it's not like I'm picking and choosing what to look at,
but like I look at myself
and I just like stare.. And I'm like.. But like I see who I was before
and it's not like that person is gone and dead, and like stuff like that
Like that's why I don't like the word "dead name". You're not dead, you're there.
Ehm.. But I look at myself and I still see the face that looks feminine.
And it's very scary. I have facial hair, I have a very, like, not a very deep voice, but my voice is deep.
Like it doesn't make any sense. My, my, my... My face to me is like I look at it
and sometimes I just like, like, how, like.. How did it change so much, but how do I still look the same?
And that is very scary, because I look at old pictures of myself and I'm like, yeah, I still look like that,
but than I do comparisons beside each other and I'm like JESUS CHRIST
Here, I'm gonna share a picture, two pictures with you guys that I've never shared with you on YouTube before.
They're in a frame, so it's gonna be blurry, it's not like I'm showing you a picture, but it's like I showed you a picture.
So this is me and my dad, okay. This is, I don't know, three/four years old
This is me and my dad. I look like my dad, like crazy now and everyone always says that.
Like, all the time and that makes me feel really great.
Like, when he was in the hospital last year and I went in and somebody was like..
Is this your brother? I'm like, is that like, you think he's young, or you think I'm old?
Like what what was it?
But it was funny because like.. I mean, the situation wasn't funny, but like the fact that, like, we look, we look alike
and that's like really cool, 'cause like now I know what I'm gonna look like when I'm older,
you know, and I'll be hot, 'cause my dad's good-looking, just said that on YouTube.
But anyways, so this is me as like a kid, like a baby baby, so that's it right here, okay?
And this is like not really like an important picture. What I want to show you is here:
I believe I am 16 years old in here.
Man, I look at these and I still feel like that's me, okay, and when I say that's me I mean physically, okay?
I don't mean the emotional part 'cause like yo you don't change from being on hormones.
I'm still like, I was funny back then, I'm just like way funnier now. [laughs]
Ehm.. So this is me. This is me and my dad, and like maybe you don't see the resemblance with me and my dad right now
it's different to like other pictures, but whatever.. This is me, okay? And this is like, like, my dad and I
like this.. Us when it us, okay. I look at this and I still see me.
So... It's, it's a little bit like, like, triggering. Like I'm actually gonna use that word properly now.
It's a little bit triggering to see the old pictures sometimes and I look at that video,
I made a video, ehh, "Reacting to a video I had made 5 years ago".
Here's the link right here.
And as you can see I look different. I'm not the same person.
Ehmm.. 'Cause it's like a 5 years difference, but like, I like, look at it and I just like... I don't know.
I just I.. It's.. It's... I still feel like people know and like know and like know, know.
And like, no one talks about that and I don't if that's normal and I don't care right now,
because I need to talk about it. Beause if one person is feeling it, there's no way I'm alone.
That's always been my rule: If I feel something, like not to be cocky or anything, not like I feel it so someone else feels it
No. Like, if I feel it, there's no way I'm alone in this feeling.
And even six years on T, like, six years, man.. I'm hitting that, like, I'm hitting that in june.
Ehm.. But I'ma look at myself right now and it's just like... Like yo', like masc for masc up in here.
But like, for some reason, sometimes it's like the masc is pulled away and I look like that picture
and.. It's very confusing. Very. And I think I have like a, there's like a identity, I have like issues with
Ehmm.. Knowing who I am sometimes. And that's like a mental health update type of thing
But lets not go there. Ehm.. But it's like very scary to like not know who you are
and it's very, like, I disassociate a lot from it, when I feel like I'm not looking like who I am.
Maybe it's, maybe it's just a mental health thing. Maybe I'm just like, like that's just me, because I have these issues
in my head that I have been dealing with for a long time, but like whatever..
I don't know. Does that make any sense?
Like I literally feel like people still see me as a girl and like.. like, why you do that brain? Why you do that?
God... Does this ever happen to you? What do you think? Am I like *pheew* I don't know.
I'm gonna leave it at that. Just because, maybe I'll explore this later on if you guys ask me questions about it
or like, tell me that you felt this, and I'm not like *pheew*
Maybe, I'll take this video down. Who knows?
Anyways, let me know what you think, please!
Cause I feel like, I'm like, just like, I'm like, like, what's it called? Putting myself on the line over here
and like I don't really know if anybody is on there too and there like "heyy" or I'm like alone.
Anyway, let me know what you think. Have a great week. Don't forget to watch my vlogs on Wednesdays
and my other videos and my challenge videos that I will put everywhere, whatever.
Have a great week! I'll see you later. Bye.