>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
IT IS SUCH-- YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE MENTIONED THIS BEFORE ON
THE SHOW-- I DON'T TAKE THIS JOB FOR GRANTED.
IT'S-- IT'S-- IT'S A WONDERFUL OCCUPATION.
I GET TO BE WITH ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE EVERY NIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GET TO-- I GET TO TALK TO
INCREDIBLE GUESTS OVER HERE.
I GET TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH JON AND THIS AMAZING BAND OVER
HERE EVERY NIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JON: OH, MY GOSH!p( LAUGHS )
YEAH!
>> STEPHEN: AND WE GET TO TALK A LITTLE BIT, JON, WE GET TO TALK
A LITTLE BIT.
BUT NEVER ENOUGH.
>> JON: YEAH.
>> STEPHEN: YOU WANT TO COME ON OVER HERE AND TALK SOME MORE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON OVER HERE, JON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> JON: AHH!
>> STEPHEN: HAVE A SEAT.
>> JON: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
>> STEPHEN: JON, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A BIT, A BIT, A
BIT, A BIT.
SEVEN, EIGHT YEARS NOW?
>> JON: YES.p>> STEPHEN: I WAS T SOME PHOTOS.
>> JON: YES!
>> STEPHEN: OF THE TWO OF US OVER THIS LAST BREAK WEEK THAT
WE HAD TOGETHER.
>> JON: YES!
>> STEPHEN: BACK IN 2014, WHEN YOU HAD...
MUCH LESS HAIR.
>> JON: YES!
>> STEPHEN: AND I HAD MUCH MORE CHIN.
AND-- ( LAUGHTER )
AND HERE'S THE THING, IS THAT WE-- WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER
THAT YEAR, BEFORE WE EVER CAME ON THE SHOW, AND WE HAVE BECOME
DEAR FRIENDS-- >> JON: ABSOLUTELY.
>> STEPHEN: --IN THAT TIME PERIOD.
YOU, YOU-- ( APPLAUSE )
YOU'VE COME TO MY HOUSE.
>> JON: YES, YES.
WE'VE HAD SOME GOOD-- GOOD MEALS AND GOOD CONVERSATIONS.
>> STEPHEN: MANY THANKSGIVINGS TOGETHER, WITH YOU AND YOUR
PARENTS, YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE, SULEIKA.
AND YOU'VE COME DOWN TO STAY AT OUR HOUSE IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> JON: YES.
>> STEPHEN: AND, AS MUCH AS I KNOW YOU AND AS MUCH AS I LOVE
YOU, THERE'S ALWAYS MORE TO KNOW ABOUT SOMEONE.
>> JON: THAT'S TRUE.
>> STEPHEN: AND, AND THERE'S JUST NEVER ENOUGH TIME RIGHT
HERE ON THE STAGE TO DO IT.
SO WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TONIGHT IS SOMETHING CALLED THE "COLBERT
QUESTIONERT," JON.
>> JON: OH, SNAP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, YEAH!
>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU READY?
>> JON: I'M READY.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T MEAN TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT.
>> JON: I, I'M READY, YEAH.
>> STEPHEN: YOU READY?
OKAY.
♪ ♪ ♪ QUESTION NUMBER ONE.
JON BATISTE, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> JON: THAT'S A CONTROVERSIAL QUESTION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
I MEAN, WE DON'T-- WE'RE NOT AFRAID OF THESE QUESTIONS ON
THIS SHOW.
>> JON: I KNOW!
YOU, YOU GET UP IN THERE.
I'M OVER HERE, I'M JUST GETTING USED TO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S A HOT DOG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY.
WAIT, WAIT A SECOND HERE.
YOU UNDERSTAND THE-- THE-- THE LANDMINE YOU JUST SET OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE SANDWICH SPHERE.
BECAUSE NOT ONLY, IT'S A-- IT'S A DELIGHTFUL SNACK MEAL TREAT--
>> JON: INCREDIBLE.
MULTI-PURPOSE.
>> STEPHEN: BUT NOT EVERYONE ACCEPTS IT AS A SANDWICH.
>> JON: I KNOW, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT IT AND YOU SEE THE BREAD...
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN YOU SEE THE MEAT, IN
BETWEEN THE BREAD?
>> STEPHEN: YEP.
>> JON: THAT LOOKED LIKE A SANDWICH TO ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WELL, I MEAN--
>> JON: THE QUESTION IS, WHAT MAKES IT NOT A SANDWICH?
>> STEPHEN: THE FACT THAT THE TWO PIECES OF BREAD DO NOT
SEPARATE.
>> JON: YOU CAN EAT A HOT DOG WITH THE BREAD SEPARATE, I
ASSURE YOU.
( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: DANGEROUS.
THAT'S DANGEROUS.
>> JON: NO, SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS--
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A SAUSAGE HOAGIE.
IT TURNS INTO A SAUSAGE HOAGIE, IF THE BREAD IS SEPARATED.
OR A GRINDER, FOR THOSE OF YOU IN THE PHILADELPHIA AREA.
>> JON: SEE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITH THE LATE, GREAT
JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG ON THIS ONE.
>> STEPHEN: WHO, AS YOU KNOW-- >> JON -- WHO SAID THAT THE HOT
DOG IS A SANDWICH.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )pWHAT'S ONE THING YT
YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> JON: OH, I GOT A BUNCH OF SHOES I SHOULD THROW-- WAY TOO
MANY SNEAKERS.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> JON: A ROACH.
( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: YEAH, SNEAKY.
>> JON: OH, MAN.
OH, MY GOD!
>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE FROM-- YOU'RE FROM THE NEW ORLEANS
AREA, AND THEY GROW THEM LIKE CATTLE DOWN THERE!
>> JON: OH YEAH!
>> STEPHEN: SIZE OF YOUR THUMB.
THEY HAVE TO HAVE COWBOYS COME IN AND ROPE THEM.
>> JON: YOU GOT TO WRANGLE THEM SUCKERS.
AND THEY FLY!
>> STEPHEN: YEAH!
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU OPEN THE CABINET.
FFFT, IN THE FACE.
>> JON: OH MY GOSH.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH.
PALMETTO BUGS.
APPLES OR ORANGES, MY FRIEND?
>> JON: OH, WOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: DON'T SAY HOT DOGS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JON: ORANGES.
>> STEPHEN: ORANGES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR
THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> JON: I DID ASK-- MICHELLE OBAMA, FOR HER
AUTOGRAPH ON HER BOOK.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S AN-- THAT'S AN AUTOGRAPH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JON: YEAH.
>> STEPHEN: DID YOU GET IT?
>> JON: YES.
I NEVER-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
I HAVEN'T DONE-- >> STEPHEN: THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
THAT'LL DO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> JON: WELL, I THINK WHEN WE-- NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES.
I THINK OUR BODY PASSES AWAY AND OUR SOUL MEETS THE CREATOR
OF ALL THINGS.
AND WHAT WE'VE DONE, THE LOVE WE'VE GIVEN IN THIS LIFE, ALL
THE THINGS THAT WE'VE DONE, THAT LIVES ON FOREVER.
SO, THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT WHAT WE DO HERE, RIGHT NOW,
BECAUSE ONCE WE GO, THE NEXT ROUND, STILL WILL BE HERE FOR
THE NEXT GENERATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
ACTION MOVIE?
>> JON: OH MY GOODNESS.
"FORREST GUMP."
( LAUGHTER ) "FORREST GUMP."
"FORREST GUMP!" >> STEPHEN: THAT--
>> JON: YOU DON'T LIKE "FORREST GUMP?"
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS TO ACTION MOVIE AS HOT DOG IS TO SANDWICH.
( LAUGHTER ) I ACCEPT, AND I MOVE ON.
>> JON: HE WAS RUNNING!
>> STEPHEN: I UNDERSTAND HE WAS RUNNING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JON: I'M TELLING YOU!
>> STEPHEN: YOU HAVE A VERY LOW STANDARD FOR ACTION.
>> JON: IT WAS ACTION!
>> STEPHEN: SURE, SURE.
"AIR BUD" IS AN ACTION MOVIE, IN THAT CASE.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
WINDOW OR AISLE?
>> JON: I LIKE THE AISLE.
>> STEPHEN: BECAUSE?
>> JON: BECAUSE IF YOU'RE ON THE AISLE, YOU CAN GET OUT QUICKER.
IF YOU GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, AND--
>> STEPHEN: SURE.
>> JON: AND, YOU KNOW, YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA SPACE,
ESPECIALLY IF YOUR IN-- IN-- IN THE-- IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE.
THAT'S YOUR ONLY RESPITE.
YOU GOT THAT AISLE TO STICK YOUR LEG OUT, BECAUSE NOBODY COMING
BACK THERE.
>> STEPHEN: SURE.
>> JON: THAT'S A LIFE HACK, RIGHT THERE.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A JON BATISTE LIFE HACK.
( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ) >> JON: SEE?
I LIKE THAT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S YOUR PODCAST, ISN'T IT?
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
>> JON: SEE, I'VE WATCHED THESE SO MUCH.
I HAVE-- I HAD-- I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS ONE.
PETRICHOR.
>> STEPHEN: OH, THAT'S THE-- WHEN THE RAIN COMES, IN THE HEAT
OF THE SUMMER.
THAT SMELL, WHEN THE-- THAT SMELL OF THE RAIN IN THE
SUMMERTIME?
>> JON: YES.
ABSOLUTELY.
>> STEPHEN: PETRICHOR.
>> JON: YEAH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL WORD, TOO.
>> JON: PETRI-- IT'S GREEK.
"PETRIS" IS "STONE," AND "CHOR" IS SOMETHING LIKE THE FLUID IN
THE VEINS OF THE GODS.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THE ICHOR.
>> JON: THE ICHOR.
>> STEPHEN: THE DEMONS OF THE GODS.
>> JON: YEAH, YEAH.
>> STEPHEN: THE BLOOD OF THE STONE, BLOOD OF THE GODS.
>> JON: YEAH!
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S NICE.
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
>> JON: OOH, A LOT OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) LEAST FAVORITE SMELL IS--
FEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: STING SAID THE SAME
THING.
>> JON: HE DID.
>> STEPHEN: YOU AND STING HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
OR ONE THING IN COMMON.
>> JON: ONE THING.
( LAUGHTER ) I-- I--
>> STEPHEN: WHAT IS THE MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> JON: PROBABLY BETWEEN THE-- ( LAUGHS )
THE BIBLE APP AND INSTAGRAM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I CHECK BOTH EVERY DAY.
>> STEPHEN: YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> JON: OOH.
WOOO!
THAT'S THE HARDEST QUESTION IN THE WHOLE THING.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, IT IS, ISN'T IT?
>> JON: ONE SONG?
>> STEPHEN: MM-HMM.
>> JON: "GYMNOPODIE, NUMBER ONE."
>> STEPHEN: ERIK SATIE?
>> JON: YES.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
>> JON: THAT'S ONE YOU COULD LISTEN TO FOREVER.
OR, "LOTUS BLOSSOM," BY BILLY STRAYHORN.
OR "REFLECTIONS IN D," BY DUKE ELLINGTON.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING THAT,
WHEN YOU'RE LISTENING TO IT YOU CAN HEAR NEW THINGS, BUT
IT'S FOREVER, SO YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR IT ALL.
SO, IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING THAT IS-- IS HEALING YOU.
IT'S REGENERATING YOU.
OR IT'S GIVING YOU SOMETHING THAT'S LIKE A-- A DAILY BREAD,
EVERY TIME YOU HEAR IT.
SO, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD PICK.
ONE OF THOSE, KIND OF-- "AIR ON THE G STRING."
>> STEPHEN: SURE.
>> JON: WOOO!
THIS IS A HARD ONE.
I COULD GO ON FOREVER.
( LAUGHTER ) SO-- I KNOW WE GOT TO KEEP IT--
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: WE SHOULD PUT OUT AN ALBUM OF JUST THE ANSWERS YOU
DID IN THIS.
>> JON: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
( LAUGHTER ) >> JON: 412.
>> STEPHEN: NO.
( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ) DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
IN FIVE WORDS.
>> JON: OH.
"TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: JON BATISTE.
>> JON: HEY!
>> STEPHEN: CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> JON: I'M KNOWN!
>> STEPHEN: AND I-- WHICH PEOPLE DON'T HEAR-- I AM SO GLAD THAT,
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME OVER, WE HAD A MOMENT TO DO THIS.
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW, BUT JON IS GOING TO BE TAKING
THE REST OF THE SUMMER OFF.
BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE PERSONAL TIME, AND AS
WELL YOU SHOULD, FOR ALL THE BEST REASONS.
>> JON: YES, YES, INDEED.
>> STEPHEN: AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
AND, WE WILL MISS YOU.
BUT LOUIS AND THE BAND ARE GOING TO KILL IT EVERY NIGHT, JUST
LIKE THEY DID WHEN YOU WERE OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "THE COLOR PURPLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JON: YEAH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
>> STEPHEN: AND-- >> JON: WHERE YOU AT!
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT.
AND, YOU HIT THOSE APPS EVERY DAY.
>> JON: YES.
>> STEPHEN: YOU HAVE YOUR DAILY BREAD, AND WE'LL SEE YOU
IN SEPTEMBER.
>> JON: ABSOLUTELY.
>> STEPHEN: I LOVE YOU, JON.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
WITH SIMU LIU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )