- IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. - GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.
- DID YOU HAVE A GOOD SUMMER? - I DID.
I HAD A GREAT SUMMER.
YOU KNOW, WENT TO FRANCE AGAIN. - OH, YOU DID?
- YEAH.
WELL, I MEAN, I'VE BEEN GOING ALL THE TIME NOW
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE MY WIFE
LIKES TO TAKE HER VAGINA ON VACATION.
SO-- - WAIT, WHAT?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- SHE--FOR SOME REASON, SHE LIKES TO GO TO FRANCE.
I MEAN, SHE'S FRENCH, AND SHE LIKES TO--
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHERE SHE TAKES HER VAGINA,
SO THAT'S WHERE I GO.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- WOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
AND SO WHAT DO YOU DO IN FRANCE?
I'M SCARED TO ASK.
- NO, JUST--JUST HANG OUT.
JUST VACATION WITH THE FAMILY AND ALL.
IT'S NICE.
WE HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S-- THEY STILL SPEAK FRENCH.
THEY STILL ALLOW FRENCH OVER THERE.
- ALL THE FRENCH PEOPLE? - ALL THE FRENCH PEOPLE.
- YEAH. - YEAH.
IT'S FUNNY, THIS TIME MY DAUGHTER PICKED IT UP.
AND SO--'CAUSE YOU KNOW, THEY SPEAK FRENCH.
BUT WHEN WE'RE IN FRANCE, MY-- THEY WERE IN A--
- HOW OLD ARE YOUR TWINS NOW?
- UH, FOUR. - FOUR?
- YEAH, AND SHE TURNS TO HER MOTHER--HER GRANDMOTHER.
IN FRENCH, SHE TELLS HER, "HEY, THEY SPEAK FRENCH HERE TOO."
AND I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE IN FRANCE, DUMMY, OF COURSE.
EVERYBODY SPEAKS FRENCH."
BUT SHE THOUGHT IT WAS SO CUTE.
- YOU SAID THAT TO YOUR DAUGHTER?
- I DIDN'T SAY THAT TO MY DAUGHTER.
- OKAY.
AND DOES YOUR SON-- DOES HE SPEAK FRENCH AS WELL?
- YES. YES.
THEY BOTH SPEAK FRENCH, YEAH.
- WOW, SO THEN YOU HAVE TO START LEARNING FRENCH--
YOU MUST KNOW SOME MORE FRENCH NOW.
- WELL, I KNOW MORE, BUT IT'S KIND OF NICE NOT KNOWING.
[laughter]
IT'S KIND OF NICE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, THEY ASK ME FOR STUFF,
AND I GO, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID."
- RIGHT, BUT-- - YOU, I--YOU KNOW.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
SO I CAN-- I CAN IGNORE MORE THINGS.
- BUT WOULDN'T YOU GET PARANOID
THAT THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT YOU IN FRENCH
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING?
- UH, SOMETIMES.
BUT YOU KNOW, I JUST LISTEN FOR "NOIR."
ANY TIME I HEAR THEM SAY "NOIR"...
- UH-HUH. - I KNOW THEY TALKING ABOUT ME.
ANY TIME, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING "BLACK."
THEY SAY "BLACK," I GO--
[laughter]
- [laughing]
AND WHICH ONE OF THEM GOT IN-- IN TROUBLE WITH--
- LUCAS.
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, THEY GO TO A FRENCH SCHOOL.
THEY GO TO FRENCH SCHOOL, SO--
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME,
BECAUSE I'M BASICALLY PAYING FOR THEM TO LEARN
NOT TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME.
- RIGHT. YEAH.
- SO THERE'S A PROBLEM THERE. - YEAH.
- BUT YEAH, SO LUCAS GOT IN TROUBLE, BUT I THINK HE'S--
HE ADORES ME, AND I THINK HE'S TRYING TO, YOU KNOW, LIKE--
TRYING TO, LIKE, EMULATE ME A LITTLE BIT
BUT JUST GOING ABOUT IT THE WRONG WAY.
OKAY, SO HE WAS--I GOT AN EMAIL FROM THE TEACHER,
AND THE TEACHER SAID, "DEAR MISS SYKES, SORRY, YOU KNOW--
"SORRY TO CONTACT YOU LIKE THIS, BUT TODAY AT RECESS,
"LUCAS PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS, GRABBED HIMSELF,
"AND WAS LAUGHING
AND CHASING THE OTHER KIDS AROUND THE PLAYGROUND."
SO HE'S JUST OUT THERE--
[screaming and laughing maniacally]
[laughter]
YOU KNOW.
[laughter]
- AND SHE SAID, "BUT AS SOON AS I TOLD HIM, YOU KNOW, TO STOP,
HE QUICKLY PULLED UP HIS PANTS AND YOU KNOW--AND STOPPED."
AND THEN SHE SAID, "THEN I EXPLAINED TO HIM
THAT IT WAS VERY INAPPROPRIATE AND IT WASN'T FUNNY."
AND SHE SAID, "AND HE RESPONDED TO ME IN ENGLISH 'IT IS FUNNY.
[laughter] IT IS FUNNY.'"
AND THEN SHE SAID, "OKAY,"
SO SHE GOT THE FRENCH TEACHER TO EXPLAIN TO HIM IN FRENCH
WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG AND IT WASN'T FUNNY.
AND SHE SAID LUCAS TURNED TO HER AND SAID, "IT IS FUNNY."
- UH-HUH. - "IT IS FUNNY."
SO, YOU KNOW, SO SHE CONTINUED THE LETTER
AND ASKED ME TO TALK TO HIM.
SO I SENT HER AN EMAIL BACK.
I SAID, "DEAR, UH, YOU KNOW, MISS KAREN,"
I SAID, "I'M SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TODAY.
"UH, I PROMISE YOU, I WILL SPEAK WITH LUCAS
"AND THIS BEHAVIOR WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN
"BECAUSE IT IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE.
BUT AS A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN"...
[laughter]
"I MUST SAY, IT IS FUNNY."
[laughter and applause]
IT IS FUNNY.
[cheers and applause]
- YOU GOT HIS BACK.