♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELL, FOLKS, IT
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE REACHED THE END OF THE SHOW AND WE STILL DON'T
KNOW WHO WON.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG, IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
EVE, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE JUDGMENTAL FAT GUY WITH
THE RED HAT.
BUT BECAUSE WE'RE ALL UP LATE WONDERING IF TOMORROW MORNING
WE'RE GOING TO GET THE PRESENT WE'VE BEEN BEGGING FOR: A BORING
PRESIDENT.
LIKE YOU, I'M EXHAUSTED. NOT JUST FROM TONIGHT.
ALTHOUGH: YEAH.
BUT FROM THE PAST FOUR YEARS.
I'VE BEEN ON HIGH ALERT SINCE EARLY IN THE MORNING NOVEMBER 9
OF 2016.
NOW, MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS WITHIN NORMAL RANGE...FOR A TRUCK
TIRES.
YOU COULD ROLL MY AORTA OVER A GRAVEL ROAD, AND I WOULDN'T FEEL
A BUMP.
FOR FOUR YEARS, TRUMP HAS KEPT THIS ENTIRE NATION'S EMOTIONAL
METER HOVERING OVER IN THE RED ZONE.
AND EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS, A
CARAVAN OF TRUMP TRUCKS TRIES TO RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD.
SO I UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS.
I DO.
AND NOW I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE
CONTROVERSIAL, SO DON'T GET MAD AT ME.
IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD THING WE DON'T KNOW WHO WON YET.
( AUDIENCE BOOS )
STOP THAT!
YOU DON'T EXIST!
STOP IT!
THE TRUTH IS, THE REASON IT'S TAKING SO LONG TO DECLARE A
WINNER IS BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD SUCH MASSIVE VOTER TURNOUT.
GOING INTO TONIGHT, MANY WERE PREDICTING THE HIGHEST RATE OF
VOTER TURNOUT SINCE 1908.
THAT WAS A CLOSE RACE, BUT WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT EVENTUALLY
BEAT HIS OPPONENT WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN IN THE
POST-ELECTION WEIGH-OFF.
THE POINT IS, THIS YEAR, MILLIONS OF YOU BRAVED THE
PANDEMIC, AN ARMY OF POLL WATCHERS, EVEN THE POST OFFICE,
JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT TO VOTE.
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE BALLOTS DESERVES TO BE COUNTED,
WHETHER THEY ARE VOTES FOR JOE BIDEN, VOTES FOR DONALD TRUMP,
OR WRITE-IN VOTES FOR BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS!
BUT WE'VE BEEN AGE TO WAIT FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE NOVEMBER OF
2016, AND MANY OF YOU WAITED IN LINE FOR HOURS TO MAKE YOUR
VOICES HEARD.
SO, I KNOW WE'VE ALL GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO WAIT JUST A LITTLE BIT
LONGER.
BUT, STILL, WE ALL DESERVE SOME SMALL TASTE OF THAT SATISFACTION
WE CRAVE.
SO IN CLOSING TONIGHT, PLEASE ENJOY THIS BRIEF MONTAGE OF
THINGS THAT FEEL AS SATISFYING AS YOU WANT THIS TO.
>> AND NOW, THINGS THAT FEEL AS SATISFYING AS YOU WANT THIS TO.
♪ ♪ ♪