PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YESTERDAY--
I DON'T KNOW-- DON'T KNOW IF YOU PAID ATTENTION, IT'S NOT BEEN IN
THE NEWS MUCH, BUT THERE WERE SOME ELECTIONS YESTERDAY.
SOME OF YOU MAY BE UPSET BY THE RESULTS, BUT DON'T PANIC.
SAVE THAT FOR CLIMATE CHANGE.
( LAUGHTER )
ELECTIONS AROUND THE COUNTRY, BUT ACCORDING TO CABLE NEWS, THE
MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION WAS IN VIRGINIA, WHERE THE GOVERNOR'S
RACE WAS WON BY REPUBLICAN BUSINESSMAN AND LIVE-ACTION
DOUG, GLENN YOUNGKIN-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE NEW HIT CBS
SHOW, "YOUNG GLENNKIN."
( LAUGHTER )
VICTORY IN EVERY ELECTION.
BUT I BELIEVE THE DECIDING FACTOR WAS THAT YOUNGKIN HAD THE
ONE QUALITY THAT VIRGINIA VOTERS WANTED MOST-- NOT BEING TERRY
McAULIFFE.
AND IT PROBABLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT TERRY
DANCES LIKE THIS: ♪ 3 POINT 2 FROM THE DRIVEWAY
OF MY HOUSE ♪
( APPLAUSE )
I GOT SWEPT UP.
THANK YOU, JON, THANK YOU.
MEANWHILE, UP IN NEW JERSEY, DEMOCRAT PHIL MURPHY WAS AHEAD
EIGHT POINTS IN THE POLLS GOING INTO ELECTION DAY, BUT FOR MOST
OF THE LAST 24 HOURS, THE RACE HAS BEEN TOO CLOSE TO CALL.
OF COURSE, THAT'S HOW NEW YORKERS HAVE ALWAYS VIEWED NEW
JERSEY: WAY TOO CLOSE.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR DEMOCRATS, BUT DEMOCRATS ARE USED TO BEING DISAPPOINTED.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CHANGING THEIR LOGO FROM THE DONKEY TO
EEYORE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- I'M GOING TO SAY THE THING-- HERE'S THE
THING-- AND MAYBE I'M ALONE-- BUT I'M NOT THAT UPSET.
I'VE ALREADY ENDURED THE WORST ELECTION IN AMERICAN HISTORY,
LIVE ON TV, SITTING OVER THERE, DRINKING A COCKTAIL OF BOURBON
AND MY OWN TEARS.
THIS JUST SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER ELECTION.
"OH, NO, TERRY McAULIFFE DIDN'T WIN?
WILL THE REPUBLIC SURVIVE OUR POST-TERRY FUTURE?"
( LAUGHTER )
JERSEY HAVE A HISTORICAL PATTERN OF ELECTING GOVERNORS IN
OFF-YEAR ELECTIONS WHO ARE FROM THE OPPOSITE PARTY OF THE
SITTING PRESIDENT.
IN VIRGINIA, IT'S HAPPENED IN 10 OF THE LAST 11 ELECTIONS.
IT MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE PEOPLE TEND TO VOTE MORE WHEN THEY'RE
UPSET WITH THE PERSON IN POWER.
AND RIGHT NOW, THAT PERSON IS JOE BIDEN.
VOTING IS LIKE DEMOCRACY'S YELP REVIEW: YOU NEVER LEAVE A
COMMENT WHEN THE SOUP WAS TASTY, BUT IF YOU BRING ME STILL WATER
WHEN I ASKED FOR SPARKLING, I WILL BURN YOUR BISTRO TO THE
GROUND!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEN AGAIN, ONE STAR-- WISH I COULD GIVE IT ZERO.
HOW HARD IS IT?
SPARKLING!
IT'S A PARTY.
>> Jon: CAN'T HOLD A GRUDGE FOR THAT KIND OF STUFF?
>> Stephen: APPARENTLY, INDEPENDENT AND SUBURBAN VOTERS
MOVED REPUBLICANS.
IN VIRGINIA, EDUCATION WAS THE TOP ISSUE IN PART BECAUSE MANY
PARENTS ARE STILL FRUSTRATED BY THE WAY PUBLIC SCHOOLS HAVE
HANDLED THE KOFERS PANDEMIC, BUT ALSO CLAIMS ABOUT WHAT IS BEING
TAUGHT IN HISTORY CLASSES HAVE BECOME THE LATEST DOG WHISTLE.
FOR FOR INSTANCE, ON MONDAY, YOUNGKIN MADE THIS PROMISE:
>> ON DAY ONE, I WILL BAN CRITICAL RACE THEORY.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING-- CRITICAL RACE THEORY IS NOT
TAUGHT AT THE K-12 LEVEL IN VIRGINIA.
WOW, THAT WAS FAST-- GOVERNORS MADE, GOVERNORS KEPT.
GOOD FOR YOU, GOVERNOR YOUNGKIN.
HE DID IT, IT HAPPENED.
IT'S PRETTY HARD TO CAMPAIGN AGAINST SOMEONE WHO IS PROMISING
TO ELIMINATE THINGS THAT DON'T EXIST.
IF ELECTED, I WILL BAN EVERY TOILET SEAT GETTING AMERICANS
PREGNANT.
AND ON DAY ONE, I WILL IMPRISON THAT WOMAN WHO PUT THE TURKEY IN
THE BASSINET AND THE BABY IN THE OVEN.
WE WILL ALSO GO AFTER HER ACCOMPLICE, THE SLENDER MAN, THE
CALL'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE FROM YOUR CANADIAN
GIRLFRIEND.
( APPLAUSE )
RACES.
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, FOR MAYOR, VOTERS OVERWHELMINGLY
ELECTED BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO GOT A
GREAT DISCOUNT AT "BRACELETS R US," ERIC ADAMS.
( LAUGHTER )
AND IT DID NOT TAKE LONG FOR HIM TO BE DECLARED THE WINNER.
HIS VICTORY WAS ANNOUNCED JUST 10 MINUTES AFTER THE POLLS
CLOSED.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ANNOUNCED SOONER, BUT THE RESULTS GOT
STUCK BEHIND A GROUP OF TOURISTS IN TIMES SQUARE.
"WE GET IT.
IT'S A BIG OLD NAVY AD!
WOW.
YES, IT'S VIDEO, IT'S MOVING!
COULD YOU MOVE?"
HERE'S SOME M & Ms AND SOME SHRIMP.
THERE WAS ALSO A BIG VICTORY IN NEW YORK'S MILWAUKEE-- BOSTON--
WHERE VOTERS ELECTED MICHELLE WU, WHO WILL BE THE
CITY'S FIRST WOMAN AND PERSON OF COLOR TO BECOME MAYOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOOO!
WOOO"P."
>> Audience: WOOO!
>> Stephen: YES, IT'S AN HISTORIC VICTORY.
WU BROKE A 199-YEAR STREAK OF WHITE, MALE ELECTED CITY
LEADERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OOH!
SO CLOSE.
BOSTON WAS JUST ONE YEAR AWAY FROM ITS WHITE MALE
BICENTENNIAL.
NOW THEY'LL HAVE TO CANCEL THE PARADE.
THEY ALREADY BOOKED JIMMY BUFFET AND ORDERED THAT GIANT BALLOON
OF CARGO SHORTS.
( LAUGHTER )
BOROUGH PRESIDENT WENT TO REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE VITO
FOSSELLA, SEEN HERE AT HIS CAMPAIGN STOP NEXT TO A SHALLOW
GRAVE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE, WE'RE NEW YORKERS. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT
STATEN ISLAND."
FAIR ENOUGH, BUT YOU WILL CARE ABOUT THIS: BACK IN 2009,
FOSSELLA WAS FORCED TO RESIGN FROM HIS CONGRESSIONAL SEAT
AFTER THE PUBLIC EXPOSURE OF A SECRET SECOND FAMILY IN
VIRGINIA.
HEY, BEFORE YOU JUDGE, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, AND EVERYONE
DESERVES A SECOND FAMILY-- CHANCE.
SECOND CHANCE.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A TRUE STORY.
HOW DID THE PUBLIC FIND OUT ABOUT HIS SECOND FAMILY?
IT CAME OUT DURING A D.U.I.
ARREST.
HOW DOES THAT COME OUT?
( AS VITO )
I'M JUST DRIVING ERRATICALLY BECAUSE I'M IN A HURRY TO SEE MY
SECRET SECOND FAMILY.
DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
MAN, I AM DRUNK.
ARE YOU SINGLE?
THIRD TIME'S A CHARM."
NOW, TO TOP IT OFF, FOSSELLA ORIGINALLY ROSE TO POLITICAL
PROMINENCE BECAUSE HE CHAMPIONED FAMILY VALUES.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
HE VALUES FAMILY SO MUCH HE HAS TWO OF THEM.
IT'S CALLED DIVERSIFYING YOUR INVESTMENTS.
( APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ THE LOCAL--
THE LOCAL G.O.P. HAS AN INTERESTING SPIN ON THIS, WITH
FORMER BOROUGH PRESIDENT JAMES MOLINARO SAYING, "THERE'S NOT A
MAN ALIVE THAT PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR WHILE HE WAS
MARRIED OR BEFORE HE WAS MARRIED."
HEY, JIMMY, DON'T DRAG THE REST OF US INTO THIS.
( AS MOLINARO )
WE LIKE THREE THINGS: FOOTBALL, BEER, AND HAVING SECOND FAMILIES
IN OTHER STATES THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT UNTIL WE DRIVE AFTER
TOO MUCH FOOTBALL AND BEER.
MY KIDS WILL TELL YOU THE SAME THING.
NOT THOSE, THE OTHER ONES."
( LAUGHTER )
NOT HAVE BEEN ELECTED, COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND RESTAURANT
HOSTESS SAYING, "WELCOME, WHERE CAN I SHOOT YOU?" LAUREN
BOEBERT.
CONGRESSIONAL PERSON BOEBERT RECENTLY MADE THIS ARGUMENT
AGAINST PAID FAMILY LEAVE: >> LISTEN, I'M A MOTHER OF FOUR.
I DELIVERED ONE OF MY CHILDREN IN THE FRONT SEAT OF MY TRUCK
BECAUSE AS A MOM OF FOUR, WE GOT THINGS TO DO!
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR TWO AND A HALF MONTHS OF MATERNITY
LEAVE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE TALKING LIKE IT'S A VACATION!
MATERNITY LEAVE IS A CRITICAL TIME FOR HEALING, BONDING, AND I
WOULD HOPE, DEEP CLEANING THAT TRUCK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALSO--
OF ALSO, WHY DO YOU GIVE BIRTH IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A TRUCK.
YOU WERE A VEHICLE THAT LITERALLY HAS A BED.
NOW, I'VE NEVER PUSHED A HUMAN OUT OF MY BODY OR HAD ONE CUT
OUT OF MY ABDOMEN, BUT I KNOW ABOUT NEWBORNS.
THEY NEED TIME AND CARE, AND SOMEONE TO UNTANGLE THEIR
UMBILICAL CORD FROM THE GEARSHIFT OF THE SILVERADO.
BUT BOEBERT IS BASICALLY SAYING, "I GAVE BIRTH IN A TRUCK, SO NO
ONE DESERVES PARENTAL LEAVE."
THAT'S NOT AN ARGUMENT AGAINST LEAVE.
THAT'S AN ARGUMENT AGAINST HOSPITALS.
( AS BOEBERT )
THE SAME REASON I GOT MY SON CIRCUMCISED ON AN A.T.V --
BECAUSE AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR MEDICAL CARE.
I TOOK LAMAZE CLASSES AT THE FORD DEALERSHIP AND GOT MY
EPIDURAL FROM ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE DANCING GUYS.
HE MISSED AND PUT THE NEEDLE IN MY BRAIN, WHICH IS WHY I'M THIS
WAY!
PLAY BALL!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS ANDY COHEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, HAS JOHN F. KENNEDY JR. COME BACK
WITH A SECRET MESSAGE FOR QANON?
THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU, IF YOU'RE CLINICALLY INSANE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪