WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST
STEPHEN COLBERT. THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
IT'S A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT HERE ON "THE LATE SHOW" BECAUSE IN A
FEW MINUTES I'LL BE JOINED BY VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS.
Y'ALL AT HOME DON'T KNOW IS THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH
SECRET SERVICE RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO THINK THIS AUDIENCE
RIGHT HERE FOR SUBMITTING TO A THOROUGH, BUT TENDER, CAVITY
SEARCH BEFORE BEING SEATED. ALL IN ALL, --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NO EXTRA CHARGE.
ALL IN ALL, SORT OF A SLOW NEWS DAY, NOT MUCH GOING ON.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO COUNT THE DIRECT CONTACT BETWEEN THE
RUSSIAN AND U.S. MILITARIES IN THE SKY OVER THE BLACK SEA.
HERE'S WHAT WE'RE TOLD THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YESTERDAY, A RUSSIAN FIGHTER JET COLLIDED WITH A U.S.
DRONE. AND EVEN WORSE, AFTER THE
COLLISION, THE RUSSIAN PLANE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE A NOTE ON THE
WINDSHIELD. [LAUGHTER]
NOW OUR INSURANCE IS GONNA GO UP.
OF COURSE, ALL OF OUR DRONES ARE INSURED BY THE GENERAL.
[LAUGHTER] THE DRONE, CALLED AN MQ-9, WAS
ON A ROUTINE FLIGHT IN INTERNATIONAL AIRSPACE WHEN IT
WAS INTERCEPTED BY TWO RUSSIAN FIGHTER JETS WHO USED SOME
UNUSUAL TACTICS. PLEASE EXPLAIN, AIR FORCE MAN.
>> SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE THE COLLISION, THEY DUMPED FUEL ON
AND FLEW IN FRONT OF THE MQ-9 IN A RECKLESS AND UNPROFESSIONAL
MANNER. >> Stephen: DUMPED FUEL ON IT?
DID RUSSIA JUST PEE ON OUR DRONE?
THEY'RE JUST BULLYING AN INANIMATE OBJECT!
"HEY, NERD! MEET ME UNDER THE BLEACHERS
AFTER SCHOOL. I'M GOING TO BEAT UP YOUR BIKE."
WE HAVEN'T SEEN THIS KIND OF HAZING ON A HUNK OF METAL SINCE
THE CUBAN MISSILE WEDGIE. [LAUGHTER]
THE U.S. HAD TO DITCH THE --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT MAKES NO SENSE!
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT MAKES NO SENSE.
THE U.S. HAD TO DITCH THE DAMAGED DRONE IN THE BLACK SEA,
AND, NO SURPRISE, RUSSIA OFFERED AN ALTERNTE DESCRIPTION OF THE
EVENTS, SAYING THEY SCRAMBLED FIGHTER JETS TO IDENTIFY THE
DRONE, THEN THE UNMANNED U.S. AIRCRAFT MANEUVERED SHARPLY,
LOST ALTITUDE AND HIT THE WATER. "IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT.
DRONE ATE BAD SUSHI AND FELL OUT OF SKY WINDOW LIKE MEDDLING
JOURNALIST." NATIONAL SECURITY OFFICIALS ARE
NOT BUYING THE RUSSIAN STORY. >> IN ONE SUR -- WILL NOT SURPRE
YOU. IT SHOULD TAKE EVERY THING ABOUT
THE RUSSIAN SAY IN AND AROUND UKRAINE WITH A HUGE GRAIN OF
SALT. >> Stephen: YES, A HUGE GRAIN
OF SALT. A
OR AS RUSSIAN SOLDIERS CALL IT, LUNCH.
SOME REPUBLICANS WERE MAD AND THOUGHT BIDEN DIDN'T GO FAR
ENOUGH. LIKE LINDSEY GRAHAM.
>> WE SHOULD HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE AND SAY THAT IF YOU
EVER GET ANOTHER U.S. JET FLYING IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS, YOU'D
BE SHUT DOWN. WHAT WOULD RONALD REAGAN DO
RIGHT NOW? >> Stephen: THAT'S EASY.
HE WOULD TAKE DOWN RUSSIA BY FUNNELING CRACK INTO THEIR
NEIGHBORHOODS. EDUCATE YOURSELF TO THAT
REALITY. EDUCATE YOURSELF TO THAT
REALITY. A
NOT EVERYONE'S ROOTING FOR AMERICA'S ROBOT IN THIS DUST-UP.
FOR INSTANCE, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE
PUTIN FANBOY. IN FACT, LAST WEEK, HE BLURTED
OUT A PEACE PLAN THAT WOULD HAND RUSSIA CHUNKS OF UKRAINE.
THAT IS LEADERSHIP IN A TIME OF CRISIS.
IT REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL DURING THE BATTLE OF
BRITAIN. >> WE SHOULD GIVE THEM CHUNKS OF
THE BEACHES, GIVE THEM CHUNKS OF THE LANDING GROUNDS.
IF WILL SURRENDER. ADOLPH IS A MEMBER OF MY GOLF
CLUB. >> Stephen: BUT MOST OTHER
REPUBLICANS HAVE BACKED UKRAINE. UNTIL NOW AT LEAST.
ENTER FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND THREATENED CAT, RON DESANTIS.
MONDAY NIGHT, DESANTIS RELEASED THIS STATEMENT.
"WHILE THE U.S. HAS MANY VITAL NATIONAL INTERESTS, BECOMING
FURTHER ENTANGLED IN A TERRITORIAL DISPUTE BETWEEN
UKRAINE AND RUSSIA IS NOT ONE OF THEM."
SO YOU'RE SAYING THE INVASION OF A SOVEREIGN COUNTRY AND THE
DESTRUCTION OF ENTIRE CITIES AND THE SHELLING NUCLEAR REACTORS
AND THE ATTACKING CIVILIAN TARGETS IS A "TERRITORIAL"
DISPUTE? YOU WERE A HISTORY MAJOR AT
YALE! WAS THAT THE UNIVERSITY OR THE
LOCK COMPANY? [LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE THAT'S CLEARLY -- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE THAT'S CLEARLY GIVING AID AND COMFORT TO PUTIN.
AND YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE HIS STATEMENT WAS RELEASED ON A
RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA PROGRAM, "TUCKER CARLSON TONIGHT."
[LAUGHTER] CLEARLY, DESANTIS IS JUST TAKING
THIS POSITION TO ESTABLISH HIS FAR-RIGHT BONA FIDES IN HIS
UPCOMING PRIMARY CHALLENGE AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
AND FOR HIS PART, THE FORMER PRESIDENT REPORTEDLY
WANTS TO GO AFTER IS DESANTIS' RECORD AS AN ASSISTANT U.S.
ATTORNEY, WHERE HE PLANS TO ACCUSE DESANTIS OF BEING AN
EXTREMELY LENIENT PROSECUTOR IN CASES INVOLVING CHILD
PORNOGRAPHY. WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.
IT'S LIKE THAT CLASSIC ROOMMATE FIGHT, "YOU ATE MY LAST YOGURT."
"OH YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE HISTORICALLY
LENIENT IN CASES INVOLVING CHILD PORNOGRAPHY!"
[LAUGHTER] AND TO PAINT HIM AS AN INSIDER,
THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS CONSIDERING A NEW NICKNAME FOR
DESANTIS. "RON ESTABLISHMENT."
OKAY, THAT'S NOWHERE NEAR A NICKNAME.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN PLACE FOR RONS TO HANG OUT WITH OTHER
RONS. "WELCOME TO RON ESTABLISHMENT,
RON. I'M RON.
HELLO RON. RON WILL BE YOUR SERVER.
OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT IS RON WITH A SIDE OF RON.
HAVE A GOOD RON. RON.
RON. RON."
ONE THING THAT MIGHT AFFECT THE EX-PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN IS BEING
THE TARGET OF, AND I'M ROUNDING DOWN HERE, A QUINTILLION
COURT CASES. ONE OF THOSE IS THE MANHATTAN
DA'S CASE INVOLVING THE $130,000 HUSH MONEY PAYMENT THE FORMER
PREZ MADE TO STORMY DANIELS, WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN AN ILLEGAL
CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION. AND NOW, PROSECUTORS ARE
SIGNALING THAT CRIMINAL CHARGES FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT ARE
LIKELY. OKAY, I'VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, BUT
I'LL TAKE REPORTS OF "CHARGES LIKELY."
IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I USUALLY READ.
"JUSTICE HAZY, TRY AGAIN LATER." [LAUGHTER]
THE EX-PRESIDENT MAINTAINS HIS INNOCENCE IN THE HUSH MONEY
SCHEME, AND LIKE ALL THE MOST INNOCENT PEOPLE, HE WON'T
TESTIFY. SO HE'S KEEPING QUIET.
WAIT A SECOND, DID HE PAY HIMSELF $130,000?
BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF ALL THIS LEGAL DRAMA IS THAT AT THIS
POINT, THE EX-PRESIDENT HAS TO SHOP FOR NEW LAWYERS IN THE
DISCOUNT ATTORNEY BIN. LIKE THE ONE HE'S RECENTLY BEEN
SENDING OUT ON CABLE NEWS. JOE TACOPINA, SEEN HERE SAYING
"MR. LUTHOR! MR. LUTHOR!
I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT SUPERMAN GOT AWAY AGAIN!"
TACOPINA WENT ON MSNBC YESTERDAY, AND THINGS GOT
A LITTLE SPICY WHEN HOST ARI MELBER PLAYED VIDEO FROM
2018 SHOWING THE EX-PRESIDENT CLEARLY LYING TO REPORTERS ABOUT
THE HUSH MONEY. >> DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE
$130,000? >> THEN WHY DID MICHAELS TAKE
THIS? >> YOU HAVE TO ASK MICHAELS.
MICHAEL IS MY ATTORNEY, AND YOU HAVE TO ASK HIM.
>> Stephen: "ARI, A LIE DOESN'T COUNT UNLESS
IT'S IN COURT! THAT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION.
OKAY, I JUST LIED ABOUT THAT, BUT WE'RE NOT IN COURT, SO IT
DOESN'T COUNT! AND SINCE THERE'S NO JUDGE HERE,
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET IN OUR MEN'S ROOM."
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
TACOPINA, TACOPINA. THEN TACOPINA DID WHAT YOU
SHOULD ALWAYS DO WHEN SOMEONE BRINGS RECEIPTS.
TRY TO GRAB THE RECEIPTS. >> THAT'S NOT ALIVE.
>> THAT'S NOT A LIE? >> THAT'S NOT A LIE?
>> DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
>> Stephen: WOW! HE TRIED TO GRAB THE EVIDENCE!
I'D LIKE TO SEE THIS GUY IN COURT.
"JUDGE, JUDGE, SHUT UP FOR A SECOND!
GIMMIE THAT!" "ENOUGH WITH THE BANG BANG!
AND GIMME THAT, TOO!" "WOW, NOT SO SMART NOW THAT
YOU'RE NAKED! BY THE WAY, NICE PEPPERONI
NIPS." [LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
THEN HE MADE AN ARGUMENT LEGAL SCHOLARS CALL "SUPER KOOKOO."
>> HERE'S WHY IT'S NOT A LIE BECAUSE IT'S A CONFIDENTIAL
SETTLEMENT. IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, HE'D BE
VIOLATING THE CONFIDENTIAL SETTLEMENT.
IT IS IT THE TRUTH? OF COURSE IT'S NOT THE TRUTH.
HE'D BE IN VIOLATION OF THE AGREEMENT IF HE TOLD THE TRUTH.
>> Stephen: SO IF I'M FOLLOWING HERE.
A YOU CAN LIE ABOUT COMMITTING ANY
CRIME YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOU SIGN AN N.D.A. AFTERWARDS.
"WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF THE MURDERS?"
"LOOK, OFFICER, IF I COULD TELL YOU THAT I WAS BURYING THOSE
BODIES BEHIND THE DENNYS OUT BY THE AIRPORT, THEN HOSING THE
BLOOD OUT OF MY BUICK LESABRE, I WOULD.
BUT I SIGNED AN N.D.A! MY HANDS ARE TIED -- MUCH LIKE
THE BODIES I BURIED." TURNING TO THE WORLD OF SCIENCE,
METEOROLOGISTS SAY, A GIANT BLOB OF SEAWEED IS HEADING TO
FLORIDA. TECHNICALLY, HE JUST GAVE A
SPEECH IN IOWA, BUT HE'S HEADING BACK TO FLORIDA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, CARRIE COON FROM THE NEW "BOSTON STRANGLER" MOVIE IS
HERE, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]