>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
FOLK, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL AT
HOME BUT I'M IN A REALLY GREAT MOOD TONIGHT BECAUSE ALL THIS
WEEK WE'RE CELEBRATING GREAT COUNTRY OF NEW ZEALAND BY
SHOWING MY INCREDIBLE TRIP DOWN THERE IN OUR SERIES:
>> "THE LATE SHOW" PRESENTS: STEPHEN COLBERT THE NEWEST
ZEALANDER."
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT I HAD THE HONOR MEETING WITH PRIME
MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN.
AND AFTER HER WARM WELCOME, I WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO BLEND
IN AS A REGULAR KIWI.
AND TO LEARN HOW TO DO THAT, I FLEW TO WELLINGTON AND MET UP
WITH TWO OF NEW ZEALAND'S BIGGEST CELEBRITIES:
BRET MCKENZIE, WHO IS ONE HALF OF "FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS,"
AND LUCY LAWLESS, WHO IS 100% "XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS."
JIM?
>> Stephen: HEY YOU GUYS.
>> HI, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HI, LUCY.
>> HI, STEPHEN.
>> HI, BRET.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MEETING ME HERE IN
WELLINGTON.
THINGS IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE ARE LOOKING A LITTLE
DICEY THESE DAYS AND I WAS HOPING YOU COULD TEACH ME TO BE
A KIWI TO FIT IN, IN CASE I NEED TO HEAD SOUTH IF THINGS GO
SOUTH.
AS AN AMERICAN, I LIKE FOOD SO LET'S PUT NEFERG MY MOUTH.
WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?
>> IT'S A WHITE BREAD-BASED DISH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> PAY PUT IN THERE A THING WE CALL TIN SPAGHETTI.
>> Stephen: TIN SPAGHETTI?
SO THIS IS SPA GET NEA CAN?
>> IT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: IS THIS THE RESULT OF SOME SORT OF WORLD WAR II
SURPLUS SPAGHETTI?
>> NO, IT'S LIKE ITALIAN FOOD.
>> Stephen: THAT YOU HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO GET RID OF.
>> IT'S AN ITALIAN-NEW ZEALAND TREATY.
>> Stephen: SO YOUR GREATEST CHEFS ARE JUST AS SKILLED AS MY
COLLEGE SOPHOMORE ROOMMATE.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A POP-TART FILLED WITH SADNESS.
THIS IS-- >> NO, NO, NO.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> THIS IS A CLASSIC SAUSAGE SIZZLE OPPORTUNITY.
>> Stephen: AGAIN, WHITE BREAD.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE NOT ACHIEVED BUN TECHNOL.
>> WE DON'T DO BUNS, NO.
DO YOU HAVE SAUSAGE SIZZLES?
>> Stephen: WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I NEEDED THE MONEY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> THIS IS VEGIMITE, OR MARMITE ON TOAST.
>> THIS IS ANOTHER WHITE BREAD-BASED NEW ZEALAND CLASSIC.
>> I JUST HAVE TO LICK IS BECAUSE I'M GLUTEN FREE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE'S GLUTEN IN IT.
>> Stephen: THERE'S GLUTEN IN MARMITE.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE IT THEN.
I MIGHT BE GLUTEN INTOLERANT.
>> YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'LL ASK MY ASSISTANT.
I CAN EAT GLUTEN?
>> IT'S SWEET AS, YOU'LL LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT.
>> WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS?
>> IT'S VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> GREAT, RIGHT?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> GOOD MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.
LET'S TALK SLANG.
HOW DO YOU SAY "YES?" >> "YES."
>> Stephen: OKAY, HOW DO YOU SAY "NO?"
>> YOU CAN SIMPLY SAY NO, BUT YOU MORE COMMONLY SAY YEAH, NA.
FOR EXAMPLE, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE MARMITE ON TOAST, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: YEAH, NO.
( APPLAUSE )
LIKE A KIWI IS NOT MOVING YOUR MOUTH TOO MUCH.
>> A BIT LIKE A SOUTHERN DRAWL.
IT'S MUCH EASIER FOR KIWI ACTORS AND ACTORS TO DO A SOUTHERN
ACCENT.
>> Stephen: BOY IT'S A HOT DAY I'M SO THIRSTY.
>> BOY, IT'S A HOT DAY, I'M SO THIRSTY.
>> BOY, IT'S A HOT DAY-- WHAT'S THAT?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A SMOKER IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, WHICH IS
PRETTY GOOD FOR THE SOUND.
>> THAT'S NOT A REGION.
THAT'S NOT A REGION.
THAT'S NOT A REGION SPECIFIC.
>> Stephen: KIND OF.
>> SHOULD WE SHOW YOU SOME OF WELLINGTON?
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
>> I'LL JUST TAKE THAT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HOW ARE WE GETTING
AROUND TOWN?
>> THIS IS JUST YOU KNOW, A CROCODILE BIKE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> THE USUAL.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE CROCODILES IN NEW ZEALAND?
>> NO, THIS IS THE ONLY CROCODILE YOU'LL FIND.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH OF YOUR NATIONAL ECONOMY IS BASED ON
WHIMSY?
( LAUGHTER )
COUNTRY HERE?
>> OH, YEAH.
LOVE IT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I MISS THAT FEELING.
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HELLO.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE A RIDE?
>> I LIKE WALKING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WOW, WOW.
"I LIKE WALKING!" THAT WAS-- THERE WAS JUST A
LITTLE BIT OF JUDGMENT IN THAT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHO THESE TWO PEOPLE ARE?
>> AH, YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE?
>> AH, YES.
>> Stephen: AND THIS IS YOUR REACTION?
>> AH, YES.
>> Stephen: I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO BE FAMOUS DOWN HERE.
THIS IS NICE.
THIS IS ALMOST LIKE NOT BEING FAMOUS.
>> YES.
>> IT'S VERY SIMILAR.
>> MIGHT AS WELL NOT BE HERE, MAN.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: I WANT TO TRY TO
HIT THIS HILL.
>> GET SOME PEDE UP GUYS, COME ON!
LOOK OUT, REDHEAD!
WOOO!
>> Stephen: HEAVY ON THAT BREAK.
( BLEEP ).
>> OH, YEAH, NAILED IT, NAILED IT.
IT'S LIKE BUNGEE JUMPING.
>> Stephen: IS IT TRUE EVERYBODY GETS HEALTH INSURANCE
HERE?
>> NO, NO, YOU DON'T NEED INSURANCE.
>> YOU JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEY'LL FIX YOU.
>> Stephen: THEY'LL FIX YOU.
>> EVEN IF YOU WALK IN THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
>> Stephen: AS A TOURIST.
>> AS A TOURIST YOU GET FREE HEALTH CARE.
>> Stephen: I WAS THINKING WHEN I WAS DOWN HERE INJURING MY
FACE A LITTLE BIT, JUST GET INJURED RIGHT HERE.
AND I'LL GO BACK TO THE STATES AND THEY'LL GO, "YOU LOOK SO
RESTED."
"NEW ZEALAND DOES THAT."
FREE HEALTH CARE, I LIKE THAT.
WHEN YOU SAY YEAH, NAH.
HOW MANY OF THOSE CAN YOU STRING TOGETHER?
>> MAYBE IT'S TWO.
YOU GO YEAH, NAH.
YEAH.
NA.
>> ONE MORE FINAL.
>> AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE OH, YOU TOSSER.
>> Stephen: THE AGREE OF DIFFICULTY ON THAT-- WHAT'S A
TOSSER?
WHAT'S A TOSSER?
>> LET'S PRETEND I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S A TOSSER.
>> WE HAVE TO GO.
>> A TOSS IS A WANKER.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT SAY WANKER?
>> LIKE-- >> WELL MY MOTHER EXPLAINED IT
ME THUS.
SHE SAID IT'S WHEN SOMEONE RUBS THEIR PENIS UNTIL IT GOES
COWY-WOWIE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A WANKER.
>> TOSSER -- >> Stephen: TOSSER IS TERRIBLE
BECAUSE IT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE, SO TO SPEAK.
LIKE A JACKSON POLLOCK.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> Stephen: NONE OF THIS-- CBS WILL LET US DO ALL OF THIS,
RIGHT?
♪ ♪ ♪ ARE PEOPLE FRIENDLY AROUND HERE?
>> OH, SUPER FRIENDLY!
>> Stephen: IS IT EASY TO MEET PEOPLE?
>> LET'S SEE.
>> Stephen: SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS FROM?
>> JUST LOCAL, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW TO BE A KIWI?
JUST TELL MEET THING THAT ESSENTIALLY I HAVE TO KNOW IF
I'M GOING TO PASS.
>> OH, GEEZ, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW HOW TO DO A HONGY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S A HONING?
>> HONGY IS -- >> Stephen: IS THAT THE
SAUSAGE ON THE BREAD.
>> GIVE HIM A HONING.
>> WHEN YOU PRESS THE BRIDGE OF YOUR NOSE UP AGAINST--
>> GIVE HIM A HOMEY, GO ON.
( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE NOW A COMMON LAW COUPLE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> SEE THE BIG HAND ON TOP OF THE BUILDING?
THAT'S THE-- IT'S THE BIG HAND UPSIDE DOWN.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GIVING THE FINGER.
>> Stephen: "COSMOPOLITAN" MAGAZINE SAYS THAT'S THE ONE
MOVE THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR MAN WILD.
( LAUGHTER )
I WANT TO BE A I CAN WE.
WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO?
>> GOT TO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.
COME WITH UP.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T WEAR THIS?
THIS IS ALL I WEAR.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
LOOKING GOOD.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I WATCHED A BUNCH OF SAM NEAL MOVIES, WATCHED ALL THE
"JURASSIC PARKS."
>> IT'S UNCANNY.
I'M SO SURPRISE GLD VERY NICE.
HI.
I'M NOT ACTUALLY FROM HERE, BUT I DON'T WANT TO CONFUSE ANYBODY.
>> YOU LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HERE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
I LOTIONED MY LEGS.
>> THE BOTTOM HALF IS PRETTY ACCURATE.
UP TO ABOUT HERE YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHOOL PRINCIPAL.
>> Stephen: SO A FIGURE OF AUTHORITY.
SO A FIGURE OF AUTHORITY.
>> YES.
>> THERE'S SOMETHING UNCANNY ABOUT IT, LIKE, IT'S
UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKING AT YOU.
>> Stephen: WHY IS AN AMERICAN ACCENT COMING OUT OF THIS PURE
KIWI BODY RIGHT NOW?
>> I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM.
>> Stephen: FIGHT IT.
LET'S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL, LUCY.
LET'S GET A DRINK.
>> CHEERS.
>> CHEERDZ.
>> CHEERS.
>> Stephen: TO NEW ZEALAND.
>> TO NEW ZEALANDERS LIKE US.
>> WHAT DO WE SAY IN NEW ZEALAND WHEN WE TOAST?
WHAT DO WE SAY?
>> JUST "CHEERS."
>> Stephen: CHEERS?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: FELLOW, KIWIS IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR
JUST A MOMENT.
I'VE RECENTLY BEEN INDUCTED INTO YOUR LOVELY NATION AS YOU CAN
TELL BY MY NATIVE GARB.
WOULD YOU NINE ME NOTICE NOU IN A ROUSING CHORUS OF YOUR
BEAUTIFUL ANTHEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BY WHICH I MEAN RUGBY.
THANK YOU, BRET.
THANK YOU, LUCY.
TOMORROW NIGHT, I LEARN HOW TO PLAY RUGBY WITH THE NEW ZEALAND
ALL BLACKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HELENA BONHAM CARTER!
CHEERS!