Hello, Brains!
Who here has had a really hard time with something that “should” be really easy?
Yeah, apparently there’s a reason for that.
I met Brendan Mahan at the International Conference on ADHD last year, and he had the best explanation
for why simple things can be so difficult that I have ever heard.
AND it’s a metaphor!
I really like metaphors.
He explained it like this:
When we do a simple task — like, say, make a phone call —
we’re not just dealing with that task.
We’re also dealing with the "Wall of Awful" in front of it.
We can’t see this wall because it’s not a physical barrier.
It’s an emotional one.
But it’s just as real, and it’s just as in our way.
How does this Wall of Awful get built?
According to Brendan, failure.
Every time we fail at a task, we get a failure brick.
And with that failure brick, comes a disappointment brick.
But we don’t usually only disappoint ourselves when we fail — we disappoint others around
us, too.
So for everyone we disappoint — or even think we’ve disappointed — we get an extra
disappointment brick.
If that disappointment results in rejection, we get a rejection brick.
If we’re WORRIED that disappointment will result in rejection, we get a rejection brick.
And a worry brick!
Eventually, all these different bricks pile up to become a significant emotional barrier
to doing that task again.
A "Wall of Awful."
Everyone has a Wall of Awful.
In fact, we all have a bunch of them.
But those of us with ADHD tend to have…extra.
And they also tend to be bigger.
Kinda like the one I have about this past due parking ticket.
Thankfully, Brendan’s here to tell us what to DO about these walls.
Hi, what do I do about this wall?
That’s a big wall.
Yeah, I’m…I’m proud of it.
It took me a long time to build.
Okay.
So we need to get to the other side of it to do the thing.
Or I could just not do it.
No, doing it is a good plan.
So there are 5 ways people try to get past the Wall of Awful.
Two don’t work.
Three of them work, but one of those is totally unhealthy and not a good plan.
The two that don’t work are staring at it
— sort of like we’re doing right now —
and going around it.
So staring at it doesn’t engage in the wall in any way and it’s not useful.
Going around it — it’s just not possible.
Why can’t I go around the wall?
Cause it’s a metaphor and it’s infinitely wide.
I know, because I made it up.
The first way that works to get us past the wall is we can turn green, we can get some
purple pants, we can get really mad, and we can Hulk smash our way through this wall.
But that also means we have to get really angry, and that anger damages our relationships.
Because we might turn to our friend and be like “Fine, I’ll do the dishes!
God!
Just shut up about it!”
And now I’m hurting that relationship.
I mean, I got past my Wall of Awful for the dishes, but it’s not healthy.
The other option is to Hulk smash inwardly.
Which is when we start thinking about how much we suck and wondering “Why can’t
I just do this?
What’s wrong with me?”
That kind of stuff.
That self-flagellation eventually gives us the energy to push through the wall.
But that damages our self esteem, it’s hurting our relationship with ourself.
So Hulk smash is not a good plan.
By the way, Hulk smash, going around, and staring at it is the body’s stress response.
It’s fight, flight, and freeze.
Ohhh.
So those are sort of our least-skilled approaches to the Wall of Awful.
And they’re also the ones that are the most sort of instinctive.
We can get past the wall in healthier ways.
So how do we deal with this wall, then?
In a healthy way?
One of the ways to deal with it is to climb it.
And that looks like staring at it, to the outside observer.
Because often, when we’re climbing our walls, what we’re really doing
is a whole lot of emotional work
that takes place inside of us.
So, we’re sitting with the dread.
And we’re talking to ourselves in our head.
“I can do this!”
Like…
“I need to just start this!”
So it’s like gearing up to do the thing.
Yeah, that’s a good way to think about it!
And we’re just, sometimes we’re just waiting for that energy to come back, right?
Sometimes we’re mentally exhausted and we need a little bit of time to recharge.
How can you tell if someone is staring at the wall or climbing the wall?
Often we can’t.
You have to ask.
But sometimes, if we pay close enough attention, we can tell.
And a good example of that is a kid who takes 20 minutes to get their binders out of their
backpack.
The kid is taking forever to get their binders out, the parent goes over, grabs the binder,
puts it on the table, flips it open and is like “There you go!
Do your homework!”
And typically what happens then, is that the kid snaps.
And they either start yelling at mom or dad, or the hood goes up and they start beating
themselves up and they shut down.
The kid was climbing their wall.
The reason it was taking them so long to get their binders out of their backpack was that
that action was the physical manifestation of them climbing the wall.
But the climb was hard, and it was slow, and it was taking 20 minutes.
And when mom or dad insists that they do the work right now, they’re saying,
"Get to the other side of the wall.”
And the only option that kid has, to get to the other side that quickly, is to Hulk smash
their way through the wall.
But if we notice that someone is kind of heading towards doing the thing that they need to do,
probably they’re heading towards doing that thing, they just need a little bit of
a longer runway.
What gets tricky is when it’s computer based.
Because sometimes, we do the computer equivalent of picking up sticks in the yard before we
mow, but then we get sucked down the Facebook rabbit hole.
Or whatever it is that we get distracted by.
And we don’t realize that we’ve been diverted and we’re going somewhere else.
So that’s where an outside observer can be beneficial.
They just have to be careful about how they communicate that with us.
How can I tell if I’m climbing the wall or if I’m just staring at it?
Yeah, that’s a good question!
One, you have to know that you have a Wall of Awful for the thing that you’re about
to start.
And if you’re trying to start a task that you have a Wall of Awful for, as soon as you
realize you’re struggling you can think “Oh, I’m climbing the Wall of Awful.”
And that’s the language we wanna use.
Because we could say that we’re "sitting with the dread."
But "sitting" and "procrastinating" are very stationary verbs.
"Climbing" is an active verb.
"Climbing the wall," and that little reframe, can help us move forward towards the task
that we want to engage in.
You are doing work, even though it looks like you’re not.
It’s just emotional work.
You’re climbing the wall!
That’s it for this week!
Thank you so much to our Brain Advocates and all our Patreon Brains for allowing me to
continue to climb these walls.
Everything I do for this tribe I get to do because of you.
Like, subscribe, click all the things so you don’t miss part two, and I will see you
next time!
Bye Brains!