Vanessa 0:07 choosing when to have sex should be a personal
decision by between religion, culture, friends, family, it can feel like a really challenging
one to make.
So today we're going to unpack and break down how to decide when to have sex.
So we want to hear from you.
Let us know in the comments if you've ever felt confused about when to have sex.
Even if you already have had sex, let us know like was this a challenging decision for you
to make.
Xander 0:31 But first, if you're brand new to our channel,
we want to say Hello, we are Vanessa and Santa Maria.
And Vanessa here is the sex therapist.
We've been together for 14 years.
And these cute little faces to the side of us if you can see them are two pugs, Maggie
and Winston.
Vanessa 0:46 And our account is all about giving you the
tools, tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship
inside of the bedroom and out.
So if you are interested in that, go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
Xander 0:58 Alright, so let's get into it.
Our first bone to pick here is with the terminology around this concept, we often talk about losing
your virginity as if there's a bad thing, like you're going to lose something that's
really valuable.
Yeah, you don't want to lose stuff, right?
And implies that you kind of need to hold on to it.
But in reality, when you have sex, for the first time or anytime past that you're not
losing any part of yourself, like emotionally or physically.
We prefer to refer to this as your sexual debut like That sounds a lot more fun and
actually realistic in terms of what you're doing.
Right?
Vanessa 1:34 Okay, so let's be honest, the concept of waiting
for marriage does typically come from religion, and often it's presented in this way of like
saving you from being impure.
We talk a lot about purity culture, this idea that you have to save yourself.
And there can be a lot of shame associated with like, not following the rules like, Oh,
my religion told me this is how it was supposed to be.
And like I have to follow that.
Yeah, that's what people are expecting of.
Yeah, I mean, I think it's important for us to acknowledge that there are very few people
who follow their entire religions doctrine, to the letter,
Xander 2:05 not doing something just to avoid shame, is
not a very good way to make a decision, either.
And this can be really hard.
But instead, you need to figure out what feels right to you, not just what have you been
told is right.
What do other people think is right?
Like, what are your actual beliefs about sex, it can be really helpful here to try to separate
yourself from a oftentimes when we are involved ourselves, it can just feel really hard to
like to make a decision that isn't the decision that other people have been telling us to
make.
So instead think like, what would you be telling your best friend or your younger sibling?
What advice would you want to give to them?
And then think about that, and then try to apply it to yourself?
Vanessa 2:48 Yeah, another way you can think about it is
like, are you telling yourself that you can't have sex, or that you don't want to have sex,
right now, there's a really big difference between those two things.
Xander 2:59 So if you do decide that you're open to having
sex before marriage, we'd also we want to make sure it's really clear, you don't need
to go out and just have sex with anyone, like, obviously, you get to still be as discerning
as you want.
Just because you make the decision that you want to have sex, it doesn't mean you have
to go do it right then and there.
It can be like, I'm gonna do this in many years.
The key is that you should choose someone that you really care about and that you feel
safe with that is the most important thing.
Vanessa 3:28 So personally, we both made the decision to
have sex before marriage.
I know like, as a sex therapist myself, I obviously recognize that sex is really important,
it's central to the majority of relationships.
And it can be really challenging going into a relationship without having had this experience.
So you can discover that you may not be compatible with your partner, like you have different
interests, desires, different ways that you want to have sex, then it can be really devastating
to realize this, after you've made this major life commitment to each other, it's, it's
really similar to like getting married, but not having had a conversation beforehand about
whether or not you want kids like one person may want it, one person may not.
And you don't realize that until it like feels like it's pretty late in the game.
Xander 4:08 So even if you do decide to wait until marriage
to have sex, it is still really important that you talk about it, you have more than
just one conversation about it, like keep talking about it.
So that could be like What do you want your sex life to look like?
Once you're married?
What are you interested in trying it can be fun and exciting to talk through that stuff
and start to kind of get prepared mentally.
I think the key thing to acknowledge though, is that even though you're talking about it,
you're not ever going to have the full picture of what that's actually going to be like until
you really start doing it together and see for yourself what it's like.
Vanessa 4:41 So just to be perfectly clear, we absolutely
respect religious beliefs, but we just want you to understand that it's your choice whether
or not you want to have sex before marriage and if you do decide to have sex before marriage,
that does not make you dirty, impure, unwanted, bad, any of those things,
Xander 4:58 and if you do decide that you want Have sex
we are going to share a video that is going to help you have your very best sexual debut
and down in the resources section so make sure you watch that next.
Vanessa 5:09 So that wraps up our video on deciding whether
or not to have sex before marriage.
Xander 5:13 If you liked this video, you can give it a
like you can also follow our channel by hitting the red button to subscribe and the notification
icon so you get notified as soon as you post more videos.
Thanks for watching.
See you next time.