- It's nice to be out amongst so many people.
I do spend a lot of time on my own.
I live on my own, I do like living on my own though.
When I first decided I wanted to live on me own,
me mom and dad don't really understand
why people would want to live on their own.
Me mom said, "People only live on their own
if they've got no friends."
(audience laughter)
And then me dad made me look up the word hermit
in a dictionary.
(audience laughter)
But me dad, he did give me some good advice
when I was looking for flats, he said,
"I don't think you should get one that's got a balcony."
(audience laughing)
"'Cause what with living on your own,
there will be a high suicide risk."
Just wondered whether I should have been bearing that
in mind when I went to viewing properties, you know,
"Is that oven gas or electric?
Is that light fitting really strong?
Can it hold a decent weight? 10 stone."
Fuck off, "11 stone."
(audience laughter)
"And a half."
"And another fucking half."
(audience laughter)
But I do, I like living on my own.
Does anybody else live on their own?
Give us a wave if you live on your own.
We've got a nice lady here.
What's your favorite thing about living on your own, love?
- [Woman] The telephone.
- The telephone?
I like that you did that.
Just in case, you know, it's just the North I live in.
It's not, you know,
(audience laughter)
the dark ages.
The telephone, what did you, why,
did somebody not let you have a telephone in the old days
when you lived with other people?
You poor bugger, did you live under the stairs?
(audience laughter)
In what way the telephone?
- So I can speak to people.
- "So I can speak to people", she said.
(audience laughter)
I know what a telephone's for, love.
It's gonna be one of those nights, isn't it?
Who else lived on their own, give us another wave.
Hello, flower. Nice, lovely lady at the back there.
What do you like about living on your own, love?
- Walking around naked.
- "Walking around naked."
Here's a confident woman.
(audience laughter)
No, no, it's good 'cause I've got a friend
who lives on her own.
I said, "What's your favorite thing
about living on your own?"
She said, "Whenever I do a massive fart, I go, 'Good girl.'"
(audience laughter)
You can have that if you like.
Lady at the back, is it a flat or a house that you've got.
- Flat.
- A flat, and if somebody broke into their flat,
while you were in it, what would you hit them with?
Have you thought this through?
- Not so much.
- "No." Well, let's have a think now.
If you're, like,
(audience laughter)
We've got to fix her.
If you're, like, in the living room, for example,
is there something to hand
that you could clobber somebody with?
- Remote control?
- "A remote control." You see?
Multi-purpose, "I can watch whatever telly I like,
and I can fucking hit somebody."
(audience laughter)
No 'cause I asked a lady recently
and she didn't know either.
And I said, "What's normally to hand?"
And she went, "Empty bottles?"
(audience laughter)
I said, "I don't even think you would notice
if somebody broke in."
(audience laughter)
"I don't care who you are.
Shut the door on your way out.
So I can't feel the fucking draft."
(audience laughter)
My friend's got a rounders bat down the side of her bed.
I mean, for protection.
(audience laughter)
But she's been told by a policeman that that's not allowed.
It's classed as an offensive weapon.
The only way she's allowed to have a rounders bat
down the side of her bed is if it's accompanied by
something it would normally accompany.
So now she's got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well.
And I'm the same 'cause I've got a massive knife
and a massive fork.
(audience laughter)
So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak,
I'm champion.
But I live in a flat as well.
In the flat directly opposite mine,
it's been empty the whole time that I lived there.
So I just never bothered getting any curtains.
And I regularly wander around in just me knickers
'cause I'm 35 and I don't give a shit.
And a friend of mine came around for a cup of tea
and she said, "Have you noticed
that some young lads have just moved into
the flat opposite you?"
I said, "Oh, I hadn't noticed."
She said, "Don't you think it's time
you got yourself some curtains?"
So as far as I'm concerned,
if some young lads are looking at me,
wandering around in me knickers, I'm still the winner.
(audience laughter)
Just wonder how long it's gonna be
before they get fucking curtains.
(audience laughter)
Look at me.
(curtains closing noise)
Please.
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican.
And thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour
with a brand new shoe called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going
and when go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks.