One day I was walking over here and I spilled like a drop of coffee on the floor
and I just lost it - had a massive panic attack
and I just wanted to die
Just five years earlier things were very different
Linda had just completed her masters in education specialising in working with
hearing impaired children, had a supportive husband
and was looking forward to the birth of their first child
When I stopped breastfeeding my periods returned
and then I knew something was very wrong
How did you know, what was it like?
Being trapped inside a body when your mind wants to die - it is exactly like that
I feel sad for that girl that I was
You think: I will do anything to stop this
I'll take any drug, I will cut my arm off if I have to
I'll do anything to not feel like this because I feel so bad
There's a definite before PMDD and after PMDD
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
it's a bit of a mouthful but it is actually a descriptive for a very severe depression
I'm not talking about PMS and it happens suddenly
PMDD is caused by the brain's
negative response to hormone fluctuations prior to menstruation
or sometimes post childbirth
and it's far more common than you might think
Professor Jayashri says it affects one in eight people of the reproductive age
that's a lot and yet most of us have never even heard of it
the symptoms range from severe depression, debilitating fatigue, intense anger
insomnia and hypersomnia to name a few
they start seven to ten days before menstruation
and stop suddenly a few days into a period
but despite the fact that nearly 1 in 3 sufferers will make a suicide attempt during an episode
PMDD is often misdiagnosed or downplayed as being just PMS
So how serious has PMDD exactly
Very serious because in that time when she's significantly depressed
she does think of suicide or can think of suicide
or actually take action and that's a tragedy
I feel hopeless, overwhelmed by everything
I'm tired of living like this, I'm tired of this happening every month
I can't do this
I can't live like this
I need someone to help me
I don't want to live like this anymore
Yeah that's hard to watch that one
I got to the point where I told my family
I wanted to be admitted
I just wanted someone else to fix it
because I couldn't
I assumed that it would have been really hard on the relationship and
on the family life
It affected my relationship with my husband
I had conflicts with people in my family
I was unable to interact with my children
sometimes and that was heartbreaking
It takes a big person to be a partner of
someone with PMDD
What would you say to your husband?
Fuck
I'd probably first say I'm sorry
and then I'm thankful for not leaving me
because, I don't, I think if I was married to somebody with PMDD
I'm not sure if I would stick around
I had my hysterectomy and oophorectomy
So removal of pretty much all my reproductive organs including my ovaries
It's very important to have the ovaries removed because it's the ovulation that
actually causes the PMDD
It was a step that I didn't take lightly
I was petrified, I was terrified, I didn't want to have it, I didn't want to have my organs removed
but I did really feel like I had no other option
Is the treatment for PMDD a hysterectomy?
It's the last resort there's lots of other treatments beyond natural therapies
lifestyle changes, the pill
I must admit I do see quite a few women who failed all those things and are
really over it and hence this: I want it all out
Kim has had PMDD for 23 years
but for a majority of those she was told it was just depression
How did it feel when you finally found out there was a name for what you had been going through?
Professor Eden just made me feel validated and that I wasn't crazy
Two or three times a year I have like a tsunami and they are devastating
When the tsunami hits how does that look like?
You can be sitting on the couch calm as cucumber and you just feel it's sort of bubbling up
and you're just like: rage man, rage
what kind of rage what level are we talking
Just irrational - biting the head off of somebody that didn't deserve it
She would blow up to the point where
once she had such a blast at me I thought: I wouldn't take this from anyone
because I'm no shrink environment - but when she'd go off
I had trouble dealing with it - I actually went into shock I was like a rabbit in headlights
It's not depression, it's not anxiety
It's a dreadful feeling that we still can't summon the words to describe
because we don't know how it feels for them
you become someone that's barely recognisable
how long have you been going to doctors for with the symptoms of PMDD
12, 13 years
and did they know what PMDD was, all these doctors and psychs?
No
I started to chart my monthly cycle - so I knew when I ovulated
I knew exactly the day I would bleed
and that made me realize: wow there's actually a pattern
there's a pattern emerging
but then when I would go to my caregivers with that pattern
that was dismissed
You were told you were stressed, anxious, depressed
I'm telling you what's wrong with me what I'm asking for is the fix
help me
What did you really feel like saying?
Fuck off
Sadly I see in my clinic too many women who begin the consultation by saying
saying you won't believe me or I've said this before and no one's believed me and
it's awful because it's not only that she's got a problem like PMDD
which is bad enough to deal with but now she's dealing with
being invalidated and not believed and the frustration of that is extraordinary
The results in my blood tests showed that everything was normal
that was the end of the investigation
PMDD won't show up in any blood or saliva or urine test
and I felt at that time I was going to be dismissed
and I broke down in the doctor's office and I knew that that couldn't be the end of it
because that would mean that I was broken
Medical gas lighting can be downplaying a patient's symptoms
and probably my area menopause and PMDD would be the two
big areas where that definitely occurs
I think some of it is ignorance but not all
Why do you think so many people don't know what PMDD is
So many things the word patriarchy is in my head - I think there's a lot of pressure on women to be perfect
You need to be a yummy mummy nobody wants to hear about it being hard
or problematic or traumatic, painful - I don't want us to hear that
Well they're about to
Women's mental health - I hate to say but women's mental health is not a priority
It's not a national priority it's not on many people's radar
What kind of funding is going toward PMDD
Virtually nothing
The whole concept of PMDD still hasn't captured the imagination or the attention
Or even the knowledge - It is real, it is real, it is real
and there's help
For Kim that help came in the form of an injection that staves off a period and estrogen patches that
provide a consistent level of hormones
I have an implant big injection once a month
and it effectively shuts the ovaries down
Menopause in a box
menopause in a box
How soon was it that you started feeling better?
Three days
So how does it feel?
Clear head, bright eyes, full heart, joy
Energy levels are much, much higher like I'm not fatigued all the time
It's just joyous - probably annoyingly so for some people
That's amazing, what would you say to your specialist?
I love you
She's a different person even this morning
by her to say how happy she was - this is how she used to be
You get her back
Sorry
I had a much better life
You never want your children to suffer
but though induced menopause has been life-changing the treatment is only approved for six months
I'll have to take no medication, I'm thrilled I have surgery scheduled for later this year
To have my ovaries and my uterus and fallopian tubes removed
How are you feeling about that
No one wants to have surgeries especially when you've got children
Of course I'm nervous that be nuts not to be but
Bring it on
I'm definitely a glass half-full person,
I just hope your suffering is over
it's been just eight months since Linda's hysterectomy and while things
have definitely improved it hasn't provided an overnight cure
I've had a few ups and downs since having my surgery so I'm not going to say that
it's smooth sailing or that as soon as I had the operation I was cured and it was a miracle
I don't have ovaries anymore so I don't produce any of my own
hormones so I've got to take hormone replacement therapy
I'll be on that the rest of my life
but I've been able to do things since my operation that I
haven't been able to do in years and I'm certainly hopeful that my life is going to be better
Linda is now spreading that hope to others
She helps run the PMDD patient led Vicious Cycle
a Facebook group of volunteers from around the world who raise awareness of the condition
and offer solace to those in the depths of despair
It's so important for us all to know that we're not alone and that it's it's not our fault
and that we're not broken people
It's our chemistry, not our character
it's somehow falling through the cracks between gynecological issues
and mental health
Everybody thinks it's somebody else's domain
well how can people know it exists if they're not talking about it
That's exactly right, that's exactly right
Track your cycle, you're not alone
don't give up
and so how do you feel today
right now where are you at?
If can get these hormones right
I've got so much to live for
I've got my beautiful boys,
I've got my husband who has seen me through this whole thing
and didn't give up on me
Yeah I'm gonna keep living
I couldn't say that before,
I'm gonna make goals and I'm gonna smash them
Hey there my name is Marc Fennell and if you enjoyed that and I'm hoping that you did
then make sure you like and subscribe to The Feed's YouTube channel and definitely
watch that thing - that I have absolutely seen before, it's really good.