HOUSE THAT IS RUNNING ON EMPTY.
THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT IS DRASTICALLY UNDERSTAFFED.
EACH INCOMING PRESIDENT HAS ABOUT 4,000-- SOMETHING LIKE
THAT, THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL POSITIONS TO FILL, AND SO FAR,
ONLY ABOUT HALF OF THEM HAVE BEEN FILLED BY THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION.
IT DOESN'T HELP THAT THEIR CRAIGLIST AD SAYS, "SINKING SHIP
SEEKS RATS!"
BUT THERE ARE--
THERE ARE-- PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A JOB.
RATS!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR RATS!
BUT THERE ARE A FEW DIEHARDS WHO BELIEVE WE SHOULD HAVE
GOVERNMENT, LIKE THE FOLKS AT THE PARTNERSHIP FOR PUBLIC
SERVICE.
THEY'RE A NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION THAT WORKS WITH
FEDERAL AGENCIES TO HELP FILL VACANT JOBS.
I RECENTLY TRAVELED TO WASHINGTON D.C. TO SPEAK WITH
THEIR PRESIDENT AND C.E.O, MAX STIER, ABOUT TRUMP'S SKELETON
CREW.
MR. STIER, THANK YOU FOR TALKING WITH ME TODAY.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: SO YOUR JOB IS TO HELP THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
FILL THESE VACANT JOBS.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: WHEN A NEW ADMINISTRATION COMES IN, HOW
MANY POSITIONS ARE THERE TO STILL PHIL?
>> WE TRACK ABOUT 630 THAT WE SEE AS THE MOST IMPORTANT, THAT
ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR RUNNING REALLY LARGE CHUNKS OF THE
GOVERNMENT-- YOU KNOW, THE SECRETARY OF INTERIOR, THE HEAD
OF THE CENSUS BUREAU THE-- YOU KNOW, THE SECRETARY OF THE ARMY.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY HAVE BEEN APPOINTED SO FAR?
>> THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT 250 IN WHICH YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEONE
WHO HAS BEEN SELECTED BY THE PRESIDENT AND CONFIRMED BY THE
SENATE.
>> Stephen: SO ABOUT 400 OF THESE REALLY IMPORTANT POSITION
UNFILLED.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: NOW, DO YOU SEE THE GOVERNMENT AS HALF EMPTY OR
HALF FULL?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I SEE IT AS -- >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO
TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT THAT?
>> NO, I DON'T NEED A MOMENT.
>> Stephen: AN OPTIMIST SEES THE GOVERNMENT AS HALF FULL.
A PESSIMIST AS HALF EMPTY, AND AN ANARCHIST SAYS WHY IS THERE A
GLASS?
THAT IS JUST PEOPLE TRYING TO CONTROL OUR WATER.
>> A REAL OPTIMIST WOULD SAY -- >> Stephen: PUTTING FLUORIDE
IN IT.
>> IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR TEETH.
>> Stephen: OH, IS IT?
THAT'S A GOVERNMENT PLOT.
>> I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT LAST POINT.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY OF THESE JOB VACANCIES ARE IN THE DEEP
STATE?
>> NO SUCH THING AS A DEEP STATE.
>> Stephen: NONE OF THOSE POSITIONS ARE FILLED RIGHT NOW?
>> NONE OF THOSE POSITIONS ARE FILLED BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MORE TROUBLING POSTS THAT
AREN'T FILLED BY A QUALIFIED CANDIDATE?
>> WE HAVE NO AMBASSADOR IN SOUTH KOREA, AND WE ARE IN A
VERY SCARY SITUATION, OBVIOUSLY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE DENNIS RODMAN, THOUGH.
WE HAVE DENNIS RODMAN.
>> I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT -- >> Stephen: I WOULDN'T, I
WOULDN'T.
THE MAN'S SO DANGEROUS IN THE PAINT.
>> I WOULD BE HAPPIER, HOWEVER, WITH A FOREIGN SERVICE OFFICER
OR SOMEBODY WHO REALLY UNDERSTANDS THE GEOPOLITICAL
ISSUES THERE.
>> Stephen: IS THE MILITARY FILLED, ALL MILITARY POSITIONS,
LIKE, ALL LEADERSHIP, PENTAGON-- >> AT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT?
NO, THERE ARE OPENINGS AT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT, TOO.
>> Stephen: I LOOK GREAT IN A UNIFORM.
>> YOU DON'T GET A UNIFORM AS A POLITICAL APPOINTEE.
WHAT YOU DO, DO IS YOU ACTUALLY ARE IN CHARGE OF THE MILITARY
BECAUSE THAT IS PART OF OUR SYSTEM IS TO HAVE, YOU KNOW,
CIVILIANS RESPONSIBLE.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT YOU JUST SAID DO-DO.
>> DID I?
>> Stephen: ANYTHING GOOD OPEN AT NASA?
>> THERE'S STILL NO HEAD OF NASA, NO ADMINISTRATOR FOR NASA.
SO IF YOU WANT -- >> Stephen: HOW IMPORTANT IS
THAT JOB?
>> YOU KNOW, THESE ARE ALL IMPORTANT JOBS.
SO -- >> Stephen: LET ME JUST BE THE
DEVIL'S ADVOCATE HERE FOR A MOMENT.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IF THEY WERE REALLY IMPORTANT THEY'D BE
FILLED BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT STILL EXISTS.
>> I WOULD SAY -- >> Stephen: THE GOVERNMENT
STILL EXISTS AND THESE JOBS AREN'T FILLED.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: IPSO FACTO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT PHRASE
MEANS.
>> THERE IS NOT AN AGENCY THAT YOU COULD NAME THAT IS FULLY
GLILD HOW DOES ONE APPLY FOR ONE OF THESE JOBS?
LET'S SAY I WANTED TO BE HEAD OF NASA OR AN AMBASSADOR TO
SOMETHING, WHERE DO I SEND MY RESUME?
DO I JUST WRAP IT AROUND A CHEESEBURGER AND THROW IT OVER
THE WALL AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD GET YOU VERY FAR.
THERE WOULD BE A VETTING PROCESS THAT WOULD OCCUR.
>> Stephen: HOW HARSH IS THIS VETTING PROCESS?
>> IT'S HARSH.
>> Stephen: IS THERE A SPANKING MACHINE?
>> NOT THAT KIND OF HARSH.
>> Stephen: COULD YOU VET ME?
>> SURE.
AND JUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE ROAD YOU'RE ON IS A LONG, NASTY,
BRUTISH ONE.
>> Stephen: IF I HAVE ANYTHING IN MY PAST SHOULD I GET IN FRONT
OF IT RIGHT NOW?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHEN I WAS 17 I BEAT A SEA TURTLE TO DWAEGHT A
FLASHLIGHT, BUT IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS HIGH AND I THOUGHT HE WAS A
MONSTER.
>> I THINK WE COULD END THIS RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF I'M NOT THE DEPARTMENT OF SEA TURTLES?
WHAT IF I'M JUST SOMETHING DUMB JIEK I THINK THIS SORT OF
VIOLATES ONE OF THE CORE FOUNDATIONAL ISSUES HERE, WHICH
IS HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING THAT COULD EMBARRASS THIS
ADMINISTRATION, AND I WOULD SAY THAT COUNTS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, MAYBE.
YOU HAVE SEEN THIS ADMINISTRATION?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> I THINK THAT -- >> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY HARD
TO EMBARRASS.
>> I THINK WE SHOULD UPHOLD OUR STANDARD S.
>> Stephen: LET'S SAY THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
>> ALREADY.
>> Stephen: LET'S JUST SAY I MADE THAT UP.
>> JUST TO BE CLEAR, THOUGH, IF YOU LIE, YOU CAN GO TO JAIL.
>> Stephen: IF I HAD AN AFFAIR SHOULD I GET THAT OUT THERE NOW?
>> YOU SHOULD GET THAT OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: I HAD AN AFFAIR BUT IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS NOT
EMOTIONAL.
IT WAS PURELY PHYSICAL, AND IT WAS WITH A SINABON.
I SAID I WAS GOING TO QUIT TI WASN'T GOING TO FINISH IT, BUT
THEM SHE JUST LIKE-- >> BUT YOU ARE CORRECT --
>> Stephen: FROSTING.
>> YOU KNOW, THE QUESTION ABOUT HOW YOU --
>> Stephen: THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR.
I HAD SEX WITH A CINNABON.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE CLD KENNEDY ADMINISTRATIO
EVERYBODY WAS HAVING SEX WITH BAKED GOODS.
>> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH A MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER,
AND IF SO, WHICH ONE.
>> Stephen: DIAGNOSED?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: NO.
>> WE'RE TALKING ABOUT POTENTIAL DRUG USE.
YOU HAVE SMOKED MARIJUANA AND WHEN?
>>> Stephen: I HAVE NOT SMOKED MARIJUANA.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THE LAST... SEVEN YEARS.
>> I SEE, I SEE.
>> I HAVE NOT.
>> I HEARD THE EMPHASIS.
>> Stephen: SMOKED IT.
>> HAVE YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE DECLARED BANKRUPTCY IN THE PAST
SEVEN YEARS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A QUESTION YOU HAVE TO ANSWER?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IS THE PRESIDENT QUALIFIED TO SERVE IN THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?
>> THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T HAVE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: WOW!
IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING.
>> ONE MORE QUESTION: WILL YOU SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE
PRESIDENT?
>> Stephen: IF THAT MEANS I GET TO SPANK HIM WITH A
MAGAZINE, THEN, YES, I WOULD BE HAPPY TO PLEASURE THE PRESIDENT.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, I WAS CONVINCED THERE SHOULD BE A
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, SO I HEADED OUT TO THE NATIONAL MALL WITH A
LIST OF VITAL BUT UNFILLED GOVERNMENT POSITIONS TO VET AND
INSTANTLY ASIENT JOBS TO THE PERFECT CANDIDATES, WHICH WAS
ANYONE WHO WOULD STOP AND TALK TO ME.
FIRST UP, DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY.
POLICY.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL
POLICY.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THAT POSITION?
>> VAGUELY.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?
>> NO!
>> Stephen: ANOTHER THEN YOU GOT THE JOB.
THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT AMBASSADOR TO SOUTH KOREA?
LET ME ASK YOU SOME GENERAL VETTING QUESTIONS, DO YOU MIND?
>> ABSOLUTELY I DON'T MIND.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU REPRESENT THE VALUES,
VISIONSLESS POLICIES OF PRESIDENT TRUMP?
>> I WOULD DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND
ITS PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: THEN THAT WOULD BE A NO.
THAT WOULD BE A HARD NO.
THE ENERGY DEPARTMENT.
HI, HI, HI!
I CAN GIVE THIS TO TO YOU?
CAN I-- >> NO --
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ASSISTANT SECRETARY FOR
NUCLEAR ENERGY?
>> I'M SORRY, I'M NOT AMERICAN.
>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
NEXT UP, ADMINISTRATOR FOR NASA.
YOU KNOW WHAT NASA DOES?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO THEY DO?
>> PUT SHUTTLES IN THE AIR AND TAKE PEOPLE TO THE MOON.
>> Stephen: HAVEN'T BEEN SHUTTLES FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS
NOW.
>> THERE WILL BE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU'RE IN.
DREAM BIG.
ADMINISTRATOR FOR THE FEDERAL HIGHWAY ADMINISTRATION.
COMPLETE THIS ♪ HIGHWAY TO THE...
>> MOON?
>> Stephen: NOBODY.
♪ HIGHWAY TO THE...
>> FUTURE?
>> DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL COUNTERTERRORISM CENTER.
SEAN, WHAT HAPPENED DOWN HERE?
>> ACTUALLY, I BROKE MY FOOT PLAYING SOME SOCCER ON THE
NATIONAL MALL.
>> CAN YOU MAKE THAT SOUND A LITTLE BIT MORE EXCITING, A
LITTLE BIT MORE JACK RYAN.
HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR LEG, SEAN?
>> I WAS ACTUALLY FIGHTING OFF AL QAEDA IN A BAR IN D.C.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE DONE.
THAT'S IT.
I GOT A HEAD OF THE FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION!
♪ HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER >> ZONE.
>> Stephen: ZONE.
YOU GOT THE JOB.
AND DIRECT OF THE U.S. MARSHAL SERVICE.
IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU THAT MIGHT QUALIFY YOU TO BE A
MARSHAL?
NO, NOT TODAY.
>> Stephen: MOTH ABOUT YOU AT ALL THAT SAYS, "U.S. MARSHAL?"
>> NO.
>> Stephen: I WANT A BIRD OVER KANDAHAR IN 15 MINUTES.
SAY IT KANDAHAR.
>> KANDAHAR?
>> >> Stephen: KANDAHAR.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE KANDAHAR IS?
>> NO, I DON'T.