LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- DAVE CHAPPELLE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PRETTY INCREDIBLE DAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT ALL DAY TODAY?
THIS IS REALLY WEIRD. FIRST OF ALL, I'M NERVOUS.
I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT. YOU CAN'T TELL.
ALL INSIDE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT A PERSON I
NEVER ACTUALLY MET. BUT I HEARD ABOUT ALL MY LIFE.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY GREAT GRANDFATHER, WHO APPARENTLY, BY
ALL ACCOUNTS, WAS A VERY GREAT MAN.
HE WAS BORN A SLAVE IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
WAS A SLAVE FOR TEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
AND WHEN THE NORTHERNERS CAME DOWN, THEY STARTED EDUCATING
SOME OF THE NEWLY FREED BLACK CHILDREN, AND HE LEARNED HOW TO
READ. BECOME A MAN OF EDUCATION AND
DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO THREE THINGS.
EDUCATION, FREEDOM OF BLACK PEOPLE, JESUS CHRIST.
AME CHURCH. PRETTY AMAZING STORY OF MY GREAT
GRANDFATHER. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM ALL DAY
TODAY BECAUSE I WISH I COULD SEE HIM NOW.
I WISH HE COULD SEE ME. BECAUSE I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD
SAY. THIS WEEK I FLEW TO NEW YORK ON
A PRIVATE JET. NETFLIX STARTED STREAMING A SHOW
THAT BEARS HIS NAME, "THE CHAPPELLE SHOW."
HBO MAX IS STREAMING IT. AND I DIDN'T GET PAID FOR ANY OF
IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, IF HE COULD SEE ME NOW HE'D PROBABLY BE LIKE, THIS
THING GOT BOUGHT AND SOLD MORE THAN I HAVE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
THIS MORNING AFTER THE RESULTS CAME IN, GOT A TEXT FROM A
FRIEND OF MINE IN LONDON. AND SHE SAID, THE WORLD FEELS
LIKE A SAFER PLACE NOW THAT AMERICA HAS A NEW PRESIDENT.
AND I SAID, THAT'S GREAT, BUT AMERICA DOESN'T.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU ASK WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE
BEFORE COVID. A MASS SHOOTING EVERY WEEK.
ANYONE REMEMBER THAT? THANK GOD FOR COVID.
[ LAUGHTER ] SOMEONE HAD TO LOCK THESE
MURDEROUS WHITES UP, KEEP THEM IN THE HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] ALL SUMMER LONG, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE BEEN DOING? SHOWS IN OHIO.
I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN IN OHIO. A LOT OF THESE SMALL TOWNS IN
AMERICA WAS DYING. MY TOWN WAS DYING.
WHAT I DID IS I DID SHOWS IN MY NEIGHBOR'S CORNFIELD, AND THESE
SHOWS WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL AND MAY HAVE EVEN HELPED SAVE THE
TOWN. AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THE LOCAL FARMERS, MY
NEIGHBORS, STARTED TO COMPLAIN THAT MY SHOWS WERE TOO NOISY.
IN A CORNFIELD! [ LAUGHTER ]
TOO NOISY IN A CORNFIELD. I HAD TO HAVE A WHOLE TOWN
MEETING ABOUT HOW NOISY I WAS BEING IN THE CORNFIELD.
IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING. [ LAUGHTER ]
I RECERTAINTIED IT. I RESCENTED THESE COUNTRY
FARMERS COULD DECIDE A GUY LIKE ME'S FATE.
PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO DO THAT. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH, THEY
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. THEY PROBABLY WATCH ME RIGHT
NOW, AT HOME LIKE, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE
GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION! [ LAUGHTER ]
NO, YOU BIG DUMMY. THE GUY FROM TELEVISION IS AT
THE GROCERY STORE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] KIND OF GUY THAT PROBABLY HAS AN
ACCOUNT ON FARMERSONLY.COM, EVER HEARD OF THAT WEBSITE?
FARMERSONLY.COM. A WEBSITE THAT BEGS THE
QUESTION, WHAT KIND OF BITCH ONLY SMASHES WITH FARMERS?
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S GROSS.
THEY HAD A WHOLE ZOOM MEETING ABOUT ME.
I DIDN'T TALK ON THE MEETING, I WAS JUST LISTENING, MANAGED TO
HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT ME. THEY'RE SAYING, MAN, I'M TRYING
TO PUT MY CHILDREN TO BED. AND I KEEP HEARING THIS GUY
SCREAMING ALL NIGHT. MY KIDS ARE TRYING TO SLEEP, AND
ALL THEY HEAR IS THE "N" WORD. I SAID, WAS I SAYING IT, OR YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ] HEAR THAT TWANG IN HIS VOICE.
YOU KNOW YOU HEAR THAT ACCENT, OH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T WEAR HIS
MASK. [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHY POOR WHITE PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WEARING MASKS.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? WEAR MASKS AT THE KLAN RALLY,
WEAR IT AT THE WALMART TOO. [ MOANS AND APPLAUSE ]
WEAR YOUR KLAN HOOD AT WALMART SO WE CAN ALL FEEL SAFE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND LIKE OHIO, FOR INSTANCE,
RIGHT? PEOPLE MAKE MORE MONEY FROM
THEIR STIMULUS CHECKS THAN THEY DO IF THEY WORK.
SO A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO WORK.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT REMINDED ME OF. RONALD REAGAN.
YOU A BLACK FELLOW, A YOUNG FELLOW, YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT
RONALD REAGAN. RONALD REAGAN USED TO SAY ABOUT
BLACK PEOPLE, WELFARE PEOPLE, DRUG ADDICTS?
WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE NOW? [ LAUGHTER ]
STIMULUS CHECKS, HEROIN. AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IS
TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THESE WHITE NIGGERS KEEP HOLDING
US BACK. DON'T EVEN WANT TO WEAR YOUR
MASK BECAUSE IT'S OPPRESSIVE, WEARING A MASK?
I BEEN WEARING ALL THESE YEARS. I CAN'T EVEN TELL SOMETHING TRUE
UNLESS IT HAS A PUNCHLINE BEHIND IT.
YOU GUYS AREN'T READY? YOU'RE NOT READY FOR THIS.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE YOURSELVES.
IN FACT, WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE THIS.
WHITES COME, HURRY, QUICK, COME GET YOUR NIGGER LESSONS.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU NEED US.
YOU NEED OUR EYES TO SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELVES.
REMEMBER WHEN WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE COULDN'T BE
TOGETHER? JUST WHITE PEOPLE DANCING?
YOU SEE THAT OLD FOOTAGE? HOW DID THEY LOOK?
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU NEED SOME BLACK GUYS TO LOOK
AT YOU LIKE -- HM! HM, BOY.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW TRUMP IS GONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM,
BUT I THOUGHT THE GUY WAS AT LEAST AN OPTIMIST.
I AM NOT AS OPTIMISTIC AS HE WAS.
I LOOK AT IT, THERE'S BAD PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, JUST TRYING NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] CALL THE CORONAVIRUS THE KUNG
FLU. I SAID, YOU RACIST -- HILARIOUS
SON OF A BITCH. I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT, NOT
YOU! [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S WRONG WHEN YOU SAY IT. TRUMP WENT TO A PRESS
CONFERENCE, WILD GUY, YOU EVER SEE THIS?
ON A PRESS CONFERENCE, TRIED TO GUESS THE CURE OF THE
CORONAVIRUS IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD.
IT'S A WILD THING TO DO. WHAT ABOUT VERY POWERFUL LIGHT?
DIRECTLY IN THE BODY? I SAY, WHAT?
THIS MAN JUST SUGGESTS THAT I PUT SUNSHINE DIRECTLY IN MY
BODY? WELL, THAT'S INSANE.
HE WENT FURTHER. PUT ON SOME BLEACH.
SOME BLEACH DIRECTLY IN YOUR BODY.
OH, BOY. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
CHILDPROOF THE WHITE HOUSE NOW, HE'S GOING TO TRY TO DRINK THE
BLEACH! MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T TOUCH THAT
STOVE, IT'S HOT. TURN THOSE SCISSORS AROUND IF
YOU'RE GOING TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE, MR. PRESIDENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] SCARIEST PART ABOUT THAT.
ONE OF THE LEADING VIROLOGISTS IN THE WORLD WAS SITTING AS
CLOSE AS YOU ARE TO ME, AND SHE JUST WATCHED HIM SAY IT.
CRAZY. HER FACE WAS LOOKING LIKE, HE
MIGHT BE RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
I SAW THAT, OH, THAT'S WHY -- THAT'S WHY -- THAT'S WHY WOMEN
MAKE HALF. [ MOANS AND LAUGHTER ]
DID I TRIGGER YOU? [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. HALF, 70%, WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S
TOO MUCH. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M SORRY, LORNE, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A COMEDY SHOW.
IT'S LIKE A WOKE MEETING IN HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
YOU KNOW WHAT TRUMP DID AFTER ALL THAT STUFF?
WENT OUT AND GOT THE CORONAVIRUS.
WASN'T THAT SOMETHING? [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, WHEN HE GOT CORONAVIRUS, THEY SAID
EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ON THE NEWS. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DIDN'T SAY?
THAT IT WAS HILARIOUS. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS HILARIOUS. TRUMP GETTING CORONAVIRUS WAS
LIKE WHEN FREDDIE MERCURY GOT AIDS.
NOBODY WAS LIKE, HOW DID HE GET IT?
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
THIS GUY'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE THE OUTBREAK MONKEY.
LOOKED LIKE A 1970s PENIS, RAW DOGGING.
RAW DOGGING EARTH. [ LAUGHTER ]
ACTUALLY MADE FUN OF JOE BIDEN'S MASK.
THIS GUY WEARS THE BIGGEST MASK I'VE EVER SEEN!
RIDICULOUS. JOE BIDEN'S MASK WASN'T BIGGER
THAN EVERYBODY ELSE'S MASK, MR. PRESIDENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] LUCKY FOR THE REST OF THE
COUNTRY, HE HAD A GOOD HEALTH CARE PLAN, DIDN'T HE?
GOOD COVERAGE. HELICOPTER PICKED HIM UP.
[ LAUGHTER ] RIGHT IN HIS FRONT YARD.
HELICOPTER CAME. REMEMBER THAT VIDEO, HE'S
WALKING TO THE HELICOPTER BY IMS?
USUALLY HE'S WALKING TO THE HELICOPTER WITH A BUNCH OF
PEOPLE, NO ONE'S AROUND HIM THIS TIME, YOU KNOW, HE HAD THE RONA.
[ LAUGHTER ] HAD HIS MASK ON THEN, DIDN'T HE?
HE'S WALKING. [ LAUGHTER ]
HEALTH GUYS TOOK HIM TO WALTER REED HOSPITAL.
I'M FROM D.C. AND I GOT TO TELL YOU, WALTER REED IS NOT CLOSE TO
THE WHITE HOUSE. BUT YOU CAN WALK.
[ LAUGHTER ] TEAM OF DOCTORS WAITING FOR HIM,
DOCTORS CAME AND RAN, GAVE HIM EXPERIMENTAL MEDICINE AND STUFF.
FLEW HIM BACK HOME IN THE HELICOPTER.
AND THEN HE WALKED RIGHT UP THE STEPS, TOOK HIS MASK OFF,
SALUTED THE HELICOPTER. WALKED RIGHT IN THE HOUSE,
KILLED FOUR MORE PEOPLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
I SAID, $750 IN TAXES GOES A LONG WAY, DOESN'T IT, SIR?
[ LAUGHTER ] COLD STUFF, MAN.
SOME COLD STUFF. THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME GOING TO
THE HOMELESS SHELTER WITH A BAG FULL OF HAMBURGERS AND SAYING,
THESE IS MINE. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN JUST START EATING IN FRONT OF ALL THE HOMELESS.
DON'T LET HUNGER DICTATE YOUR LIFE!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
THAT WAS COLD, BABY. MEANWHILE, CHRIS CHRISTIE'S FAT
ASS IS IN THE ICU, FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ] CHRIS CHRISTIE GOT ALL THE
SYMPTOMS. EVERYTHING CORONAVIRUS LIKES TO
EAT, THAT'S WHAT'S IN CHRIS CHRISTIE'S BODY.
FAT, CHECK. ASTHMA, CHECK.
DIABETES, CHECK. CORONAVIRUS LIKE, MMM-MMM!
HERMAN CAIN'S BLACK ASS HAS BEEN DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS.
WHERE'S HIS SECRET SERUM? THINK ABOUT THAT.
FOR FOUR YEARS. WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES THAT?
WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES SURE HE'S OKAY WHILE HIS FRIENDS FIGHT FOR
THEIR LIVES AND DIE? A WHITE MAN.
AND I DON'T MEAN TO PUT THIS ON THE WHITES.
BUT BEEN BLACK A LONGTIME, I'VE KNOWN SOME BADDIES.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT THERE ARE GOOD WHITES.
WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP. THEN JOIN ME.
I'M NOT EVEN JOKING. THIS IS MY PLAN.
IT'S CALLED THE KINDNESS CONSPIRACY.
RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS FOR BLACK PEOPLE.
DO SOMETHING NICE FOR A BLACK PERSON.
JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BLACK. YOU GOT TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T
DESERVE IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT PART OF IT, THEY CAN'T DESERVE IT.
THE SAME WAY ALL THEM YEARS THEY DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO BLACK
PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BLACK.
AND THEY DIDN'T DESERVE IT. YOU DRIVING THROUGH THE HOOD ONE
DAY, YOU SEE A BLACK DUDE STANDING ON THE CORNER, SELLING
CRACK, DESTROYING HIS COMMUNITY? BUY HIM AN ICE CREAM.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE'LL BE SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE'LL
TAKE IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I WOULD IMPLORE EVERYBODY WHO'S
CELEBRATING TO REMEMBER, IT'S GOOD TO BE A HUMBLE WINNER.
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HERE FOUR YEARS AGO?
REMEMBER HOW BAD THAT FELT? REMEMBER THAT HALF THE COUNTRY
RIGHT NOW STILL FEELS THAT WAY. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.
REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA, THE
LIFE EXPECTANCY OF WHITE PEOPLE IS DROPPING.
BECAUSE OF HEROIN, BECAUSE OF SUICIDE.
ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT FEEL THAT ANGUISH, THAT
PAIN, THAT MAN, THEY THINK NOBODY CARES.
MAYBE THEY DON'T. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. I PROMISE YOU, I KNOW HOW THAT
FEELS. YOU'RE A POLICE OFFICER.
EVERY TIME YOU PUT YOUR UNIFORM ON, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT A
TARGET ON YOUR BACK. YOU'RE APPALLED BY THE
INGRATITUDE THAT PEOPLE HAVE WHEN YOU WOULD RISK YOUR LIFE TO
SAVE THEM. OH, MAN.
BELIEVE ME. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW THAT
FEELS. EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS.
BUT HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU.
YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER FOR IT. AND I DON'T HATE ANYBODY.
I JUST HATE THAT FEELING. THAT'S WHAT I FIGHT THROUGH.
THAT'S WHAT I SUGGEST YOU FIGHT THROUGH.
YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE EACH OTHER.
GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FIND JOY IN YOUR EXISTENCE IN SPITE OF THAT
FEELING. AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT -- COME
GET THESE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOOD
NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪