- So I spent eight hours
in the emergency room this past weekend
and the reason why I wanted to share this update
with you is because it's kind of a milestone for me.
It was actually the first time that I have ever gone
to the hospital voluntarily.
So the title of this video is a little cheeky
because I have been handcuffed most times prior
that I've been escorted to the hospital,
against my will.
So this was the first time that I went of my own free will.
I've kind of been sharing updates
about my med reduction process or journey,
I guess you could call it
and, you know, I shared recently that it wasn't going well
So I made some, you know, adjustments
with my care team to address that
and so, I went back up to what I used to be on
as a therapeutic dose of my antipsychotic
and it seemed like it was going okay for about a week
but then, last week it started to go really not well.
So I started to have a lot more symptoms,
primarily hallucinations,
but mostly like confused thought too,
so it was hard to differentiate
between what were hallucinations
and what were my own thoughts.
I think what was happening was I was having hallucinations
that were telling me certain things
and then I was getting jumbled up thinking,
"Well, these must be my thoughts too
and this must be what I'm thinking and feeling as well."
And so that got really confusing and, you know,
the tumultuousness of this and the paranoia
that I was experiencing as well,
kind of led to relationship conflict.
And I'm sure, I hope anyway, that I'm not alone in this
and that some of you may be able to relate to that.
When you are really struggling with your illness,
it can be really difficult to be a good partner
but also to be in good communication with your partner.
And I think that another thing that was at play here
was that, you know, our relationship conflict came up also
around the fact that my partner, Rob,
was noticing that, you know, things were not typical,
things were becoming a little bit more unstable for me
but I couldn't really see this, or I was in denial of this.
And so that bit about anosognosia, having a lack of insight
into one's illness was kind of at play.
So, long story short,
I think what happened was my increased symptoms
led to relationship conflict,
and the stress of this relationship conflict
led to the further exacerbation of my symptoms.
And it all got to be just too much
and I ended up making the decision
that I needed to go to the hospital.
I got to this decision because I realized that
I needed to go up onto my antipsychotic
and I kind of thought that my antipsychotic
that I was on had stopped working.
Because I was on a relatively high dose again of it
that I had been on prior as a therapeutic dose.
And so, I was kind of wondering
if that had just stopped working for me
and if I needed to add an additional antipsychotic.
But regardless, that's what I wanted
to talk to a doctor about.
And so, initially, because this was happening
after hours again, so I couldn't call my own psychiatrist,
but basically I called the crisis support services
that my psychiatrist had told me to call,
which I talked about in a previous video as well,
and they were less than helpful.
They basically said that they wouldn't see me
and they wouldn't, you know,
a psychiatrist wouldn't even meet with me
because I already have a psychiatrist.
Even though I didn't have access to that psychiatrist,
and I was kind of in a crisis point and needed help now.
They told me that I could go to the hospital if I wanted to.
So I was like, cool, I guess I'll go to the hospital
and do my best to not freak out
because, you know I have a lot of trauma around hospitals
and that was a really hard thing for me
to voluntarily be like, okay, yeah.
I think that's the best thing for me,
is to go to the hospital to talk with a doctor there.
So I ended up going to the hospital,
Rob took me to the hospital
and we waited eight hours in the emergency room
before I was able to see a doctor.
And you know why this is...
I mean it's a problem because that's a really long time
to wait especially when you're in crisis.
But, you know, I saw people coming and going
quite frequently with physical ailments.
And so it kind of sucked to really see firsthand
how our medical system kind of diminishes
the importance of mental health
and mental illness and whatnot.
And so anyway, eight hours later,
I ended up seeing a ER doctor,
just a, I dunno general ER doctor.
And that was pretty unhelpful too.
He basically was like,
"Hey, I don't deal with this, you know.
I just treat like acute mental illness
if mental illness at all.
I'm all about the acute, you know, physical stuff."
And so I was like, okay.
Like, this is where literally everyone tells me
that I should come if I'm in crisis with my mental health
and you don't really know how to help me.
So basically I ended up asking the doctor
for a supplementary prescription of another antipsychotic
that I had responded to in the past in hospital
fairly quickly.
And so I asked for that from him,
a prescription for that medication,
just to get me through until I was going to be speaking
with my psychiatrist about a week later.
And so he was like, "Well, I don't really know
if I'm helping you, but okay sure."
And so that was a little bit of a frustrating thing.
You know, this place that literally everyone tells you
to go to, go to the emergency room if you're in crisis
kind of was the final step that kind of let me down.
And so, you know, I could do a whole video
on all of these gaps in the mental healthcare system.
I think there absolutely needs to be
a mental health specific emergency room.
That or there needs to be better training
for medical professionals beyond just,
I think it's like four weeks they have to take
learning mental health in med school.
And so, you know, it's no wonder
that he didn't really know how to help me.
So anyway, that's everything that happened
with the hospital.
I ended up taking...
I got the prescription for the supplementary antipsychotic
and I have been taking that since then.
And I finally got to speak with my psychiatrist today.
And so we kind of...
I tried to be as open as I could with him
about what was going on, how I was experiencing
the medications and tried to figure out a solution
for if this should happen again.
You know, I let him know that I was disappointed
that the avenues that he had told me to take
if I was in crisis, kind of let me down.
And so we formulated kind of a new plan
for if this should happen.
And so it kind of went, we decided to up my original
antipsychotic that I was on, up to a higher dose,
which I'm not thrilled with.
But okay, if I need to do that
to get stable for a while, that's okay.
And he also gave me a PRN, which is basically something
a medication you take as needed, which was the antipsychotic
that I asked for the prescription from the ER doctor for.
If things got to a crisis point again,
the plan now is for me to take that additional antipsychotic
and kind of see if that helps at all.
And if it doesn't, he told me to then contact my therapist
who could then contact him if need be.
Well, she could kind of try to help me, you know,
navigate this whole system.
And now if it was happening outside of her hours,
to go into the crisis support actual physical building.
He kind of let me know that if I actually
physically present there then they have to see me.
And so that was kind of helpful.
Like I hope that that will be the case
if that should happen again.
But ultimately what I wanna convey here
is the importance of having this kind of plan
with your psychiatrist, for if things go awry.
Because this has happened to me a couple times now
where things have gotten to a point
where I can't manage my symptoms anymore.
And it has happened outside of his hours
and outside of regular working hours
for my therapist as well.
And so I really had no other option
other than to call crisis support
or go to the emergency room.
And like I detailed those really weren't great options.
Now that said, I wasn't in imminent danger to myself
or others at the time.
And so that was kind of why the emergency room
didn't end up being a great option for me.
But if you are in a state where you are in danger,
the emergency room is probably the best place to be.
It's kind of a good place just to keep you safe.
But for the purposes of what I needed,
which was basically just a med adjustment,
it wasn't super helpful.
And now, even though it wasn't super helpful
I do also want to touch on the importance of you know,
being able to reach out for help when you need it.
And that has been an incredibly steep learning curve for me
but it's something that I feel I am getting better at.
When I got home from all of this I saw
and Rob and I shared internet history,
or just popped up on YouTube videos about
how to deal with a loved one's an anosognosia.
And so that was kind of another, you know, indicator to me,
pretty clear indicator that I was dealing with anosognosia.
I was dealing with a lack of insight
into the fact that my illness was intervening
and causing issues for me.
But regardless of this, I was able to kind of understand
that, you know, he was saying like,
"Hey, I think something's up."
I knew that I was thinking that something was up
before I kind of slipped into anosognosia.
And so I made the decision to,
okay it's worth a shot to go try to get help.
And so that's what I did by calling the crisis support line.
And that's what I did by going to the emergency room.
I want to encourage you that if you are in a place
where you can't manage your symptoms,
and you need support, reach out.
And if you don't know where to reach out
that's a great place to start with your doctor
to figure out, okay what steps should I take
if I find myself in a crisis situation
where I can't manage my symptoms on my own.
So that's a quick update on where I'm at right now,
taking it easy, you know.
There's been multiple intense stressors
actually this last week.
And so I'm going to try to give myself
as much space to try to take care of myself
and help myself heal from this
minor psychotic episode that I had.
And I'm going to be seeing my psychiatrist again next week
or, you know, talking to them over the phone next week.
And so, you know, hopefully this whole episode
has laid a foundation for ways
to better manage things in the future.
So thank you so much for watching
and as always wishing you and your loved ones good health.
Well, see you in the next video, bye.