- You know, as I was growing up
I was very fortunate to have my father in my life
until I was 44 years old.
Then my dad died.
You know, he was my dude, man.
He was my guiding light to manhood.
He taught me everything I know about manhood.
I didn't have to go nowhere to learn nothing about manhood
other than this dude right here,
Jesse "Slick" Harvey, hardest dude ever born.
(audience clapping)
That was why it was really important for me
to pass on all the lessons that I learned in my life
that I learned from my father to my own sons.
I got three sons.
Those are my three boys.
Today, I got my oldest son right here with me, Broderick.
This is Junior, Broderick Stephen Harvey, Jr.
And I have also along with him, a group of men
from different backgrounds and age groups here.
And we're gonna have an open and honest conversation
about manhood.
So we're calling this segment,
this is "What I Taught My Sons."
(upbeat music)
I wanna start the conversation with Leonard.
Leonard is feeling some type of pressure
to be the man of the family.
Leonard, what's going on.
- So pretty much my family is pretty dominated by females.
I'm from inner city Philadelphia.
And I just feel a lot of pressure
because I feel like I have to be the man for my family.
See, I was raised by my grandmother.
My mom was deported when I was four.
For me, I just wanna be that patriarch for my family,
that provider for my family,
and I feel a lot of pressure
from that from my community,
'cause in my community a lot of men are in prison.
So my question is how do I deal with that pressure
and propel it for the future family
that I ultimately want to have?
- Single mothers raised great students,
law abiding citizens, God fearing men
to learn respect to women, how to open doors,
how to treat a woman.
The disadvantage of not having a father is
a young man without a father or a role model
is like an explorer without a map.
When you don't have a father,
you know how to feel in that is
so when you become a parent, number one thing you gotta do
is the opposite of what your daddy did.
The direct opposite.
Once you do that, if he wasn't there, you gotta be there.
You missed him, don't let your kids miss you.
You can learn manhood from other men.
He ain't gotta be your daddy,
but you know what a good man look like.
Do you see this man over here
that's taking care of his family, that's making it work.
That done bought a house.
Out there cutting the grass, washing the car,
taking the kids to soccer practice.
You see a man out there doing that?
He can give you some advice.
Manhood ain't money.
Manhood is a series of actions.
That's the best thing you can do, man.
(audience clapping)
That's the best thing.
Now, by a show of hand,
how many of you fellas in here feel the pressure
to take care of your family?
Okay, that's good.
You want that.
It's pressure being a man.
You gotta drink the pressure.
Just take little sips of it,
but you gotta drink all of it though.
You might not be able to throw it all back at one time,
but take sips of this pressure until finish,
just drink it.
This what it is, man.
We men, ain't we?
(men agreeing)
Okay, cool.
That ain't fixin' to change.
(audience clapping)
All right, let's go to Byron.
Byron's got a parenting question.
- I have three sons
and young men that I actually raised to be very respectful.
I'm a good Southern man coming out of New Orleans
and they're interested in getting into rap music.
And so, they've been dibbling and dabbling.
And so, I finally actually heard some of their music.
And the first thing I heard man was just, you know
cuss words and disrespect about women.
And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
where is this coming from?
'Cause you guys were raised in the suburbs.
You never been into inner city or anything like that.
Where's this coming from, you know?
And I get it socially, this is what people are doing, right?
Socially, they're mimicking other things
and they're following the trends
of what other people are doing.
But there has to be some kind of balance there.
- Okay, well, my son is here.
My son is musically inclined.
So I'm gonna let him talk.
- You know, and I am a fan of current hip hop
and all that stuff.
I feel like your sons are probably,
they're chasing this image, right?
These rappers put out this image of money,
this flashy lifestyle.
And it's a lot of kids that are getting on nowadays.
You know, you can be 16 and you put out one song
on a platform and you know, you stream
and you get a million hits. - Right.
- So they're looking at it from that lens.
You did a great job raising your sons.
You know, I could tell that about you.
We talked backstage and they're not on the wrong path.
You didn't go wrong with anything.
They're trying stuff out.
Yeah, it might not be on brand with what you taught them,
but they know right from wrong at the end of the day.
(audience clapping)
- You know, that's cool.
That's cool when your son can say stuff like that,
'cause like, look man, they make decisions all the time
I don't agree with.
Technology has changed parenting just like that.
'Cause it used to be real simple, man.
If my mama and them didn't want me to do something,
they tell 'em I can't go down there.
I can't go down there.
I miss it.
You tell 'em they can't go down there now,
they get one of their boys and they FaceTime them.
They there.
You didn't do a bad job.
It's just the world has shifted.
See, all this calling women our bitches
and all this here music, that's our fault.
We was so busy trying to make the money we forgot to teach.
So the generation behind us, that generation,
we forgot to teach.
We forgot to show them that, cool.
We should have never let cool go outta style.
Y'all replace cool with hard,
but you're doing good though like my son said.
You've done a great job as a parent.
- Let's see if they could do the music
but just clean it up in a way.
- [Byron] Right.
- You know, if they have the true talent
they could say whatever and it'll come out great.
- Right.
They can't disrespect women in the music.
We gotta put a stop to that.
Tommy, what's your question?
- So naturally, I feel like I have it together
but every now and then I go through lulls of depression
where I feel down.
And as a man, I feel like
I should always portray an image of strength.
So I'm just wondering, Steve,
how do I deal with all my emotions without looking weak?
- The only way I know to negate negativity
or depression is with gratitude.
See, people don't understand how important this is.
See, what causes you to get into low points and negativity
is when you focus in on what you don't have,
what you wanted to happen that didn't happen,
and something that happened that had a result
that you didn't care for.
Your feelings are a barometer of your thoughts.
If you feel down and low anytime during the day,
like it's dark or depressing,
all you gotta do is trace what you've been thinking about
the last 20 minutes.
So now how do you negate that?
You negate that with gratitude.
This is a lesson that I teach to people
in my motivational speeches and stuff.
Gratitude erases negativity.
Joy and depression cannot reside in the same space.
Feel me? (audience clapping)
All right, let's go to the next question.
Daniel was raised by a single mom
and has a question about manhood.
- So my mom raised me and my dad's never been there.
And my mom, she tried her best,
but it's a lot of stuff about manhood
that she can't teach me.
So my question to you is how do I become
or how do I learn how to be a man
if I have no man influence in my life?
- See, the problem when a father
walks out of these dudes' lives is
there's a hole in his soul the shape of his father.
Here's the deal, single mothers,
every boy is gonna emulate some man somewhere.
He can be a good man or he could be a bad man.
You got to hair up and get a good man in front of him.
You don't have to be,
it don't have to be the one you dating.
Now, I ain't saying you gotta go out and find a man
that becomes his daddy and all this here.
You just got to help get a young man
pointed in his direction
and all you need is somebody older.
Go ahead.
- My name is Levon.
I was your age, I was 19.
I'm 26 now, when I was really like you just wondering why
or what can I do to be more of a man or find an example?
And like, just like Steve said,
it's really gonna be another person,
another man that you have no idea
because you're so used to not receiving love from a man,
you don't know how to be open to receiving it.
So now you have to believe
that another male can teach you what your dad didn't.
(audience clapping)
- Go ahead.
- Hi, my name is Keith Craig.
My father left my mother and I and my baby sister
when I was very young.
So when I got of age, it was age 17.
My mom didn't even wanna sign the document
but she signed, I enlisted in the United States Army to go
because we needed money.
We was homeless for a year.
What I'll say to you is I went seeking for my mentor.
Now, you won't find that one thing in that one individual.
You'll have multiple mentors
or multiple people you can find guidance from,
and you just gotta go out there.
You know, think about what it is that you want,
wanna be and the things that you need and create a plan,
build a plan to reach that platform.
But don't use this as an excuse.
That's my number one thing for you today
is don't allow this absence of your father
to be a hindrance for you achieving all of your dreams.
It's still a way.
(audience clapping)
- Let me ask you something.
Where you live?
- South Central.
- Who lives here in LA?
(audience clapping)
Who gonna mentor him?
- He got my number.
- Now, you got all these men said they'll mentor you.
They'll help you.
See, that's what we gonna do for you.
We gonna get you some men in your life.
See, men, we know what it is to be a man.
We know the way.
And it ain't easy.
Whoa, no, whoa, no, it's not easy.
But we know what it is.
But these men, see, I didn't ask.
No, I didn't ask them
which one of y'all make enough money to mentor?
I didn't say which one of y'all famous enough to mentor?
The greatest men I ever know ain't got no money.
The greatest men I ever met,
Martin Luther King was not a rich man.
Come on, man.
This was just the greatest.
(audience clapping)
My father was not a rich man, he was just the greatest.
So this dude'll mentor you, this dude,
you get all they numbers.
My son, you in South Central.
I got dudes, man
that we know how to grab each other.
'Cause we know the way, all us been 19.
You the young dude in the group.
We're gonna put our arms around you
and we're gonna get you where you trying to go to.
(audience clapping)
See man, look, everything happened for a reason.
This a opportunity.
You know, man, look, you ain't got to worry.
There's a whole lot of dudes ain't had they daddy,
but it's a whole lot of dudes up here
that know how they feel.
Men don't have these opportunities to talk.
'Cause where we from, man, we black men.
We men of color.
Our culture is hard.
Latino men, hell men period, white men.
It's hard.
You get around other dudes, it's hard, man.
We just men.
We ain't supposed to cry.
We ain't supposed to be hurt.
We ain't supposed - (audience clapping)
Imir wants his children to be raised in a two-parent home.
Imir, explain what's going on.
- I have two kids.
I grew up without my father and my mother.
Bounced around foster care, group homes,
until I was 18 years old until I joined the military.
So, it's important, imperative for me,
for my kids to have that father figure
and that mother figure.
And me and my kids' mom,
we don't have the best relationship, but we live together.
I know my kids aren't seeing
the healthiest relationship every day,
but in the back of my mind
I want them to have both parents.
So what should I do?
- Okay, see, that's easy for me
'cause I've been in that situation.
It's not good for the kids to see an unhealthy relationship
because if they see it for an extended period of time,
that's what they gonna duplicate.
They're gonna duplicate an unhealthy relationship.
(audience clapping)
I really understand the dilemma you in.
Me and his mom ain't together.
But this my son.
I'm his daddy.
That's what I got to be, his dad.
I don't have to stay with his mom.
It didn't work out.
And it wasn't his mother's fault.
And I've said this many times.
I was too young at the time.
I wasn't the man I needed to be.
And so, I made some bad decisions along the way.
He resented the fact that I left,
but I had to go and become who I am today.
I wasn't gonna be that in Cleveland.
But at the end of the day,
I had to come to my children and go look, man,
this is a decision I made as a man for us to sink or swim.
Now, I'm not saying you have to leave her,
but either y'all gonna go to counseling and get it right
and work through it.
Or y'all got to go.
Now, I ain't pushing divorce
but I ain't fixing to sit nowhere in misery.
I'm not. (audience clapping)
I don't expect no woman to either.
All right, let's go to Michael
who's struggling with long term relationships.
Michael, what's going on?
- Yes.
My parents got divorced early on, really early on.
And my father essentially started his new life without me.
And my mother was my best friend growing up.
But you know, without a father figure in the house
it was lonely at times, and she worked long hours
which now I'm thinking may have led
to some communication issues I have in relationships.
And my girlfriend actually got me
to message my half sister online,
who didn't know about me for 18 years.
And she messaged me back and it was just so wonderful.
And now I'm thinking maybe I should see
if I can get in touch with him.
But I just, that would devastate my mom.
You know, she was the one that raised me
but I don't know.
What do you think, Steve?
- Okay, I see you shaking your head.
- It's not gonna jeopardize anything.
It's not gonna change anything between you and your mother.
And I know this firsthand.
I didn't really have my dad full time into my life
until I was 16, right.
They were moving to Atlanta and they said,
"Hey, Broderick, we want you to move with us
'cause we really wanna bring this family together."
Now in my mind, I've been living in Cleveland my whole life.
I've been living with my mom.
It's been me and my mom.
That's it.
In the back of my mind, I'm like,
"No, it's gonna hurt my mom."
But at 16, I knew that's what I needed as a man.
I needed that connection with him.
- Right.
- So I 100% stand by you going to open up that conversation
and it is not gonna change anything
between you and your mother.
It's not.
She's gonna feel it some type of way.
My mom felt the type of way when I left.
Oh, why are you going?
He hasn't been here.
He wasn't here 16 years.
Yeah, I got all that, but I know that's what I need.
And I know that's what you need, too.
That's what we need as men.
Just like how he wants to open up that door
and ask for help.
This is you, you opening up that door
and you got it right there.
You could hop online and do it.
(audience clapping)
You got it.
You got that.
- You know, man, lemme say this to you too.
Like my son said, you don't know what the decision is,
what your father was doing at the time.
'Cause your mother and father don't work,
that don't mean y'all can't work.
She might feel a little some kind way.
What you reaching out to him for?
'Cause he your father and you feel empty without him.
That's why.
See, sometimes when you grow up,
you need to hear both sides.
See, you gotta hear both sides.
You gotta have this conversation with your father.
We've had this conversation.
He had to understand what my decision that I made at 25.
Come on man.
Come on, 25?
I got twins at 25.
What I'm doing making decisions?
Do you know man, that at my daughter's,
his oldest sister's wedding,
at the father daughter dance,
I chose Earth, Wind, and Fire's "Be Ever Wonderful."
We danced a whole record
and stood there and cried for five minutes,
because I had spent my entire life
trying to make up for the mistakes I had made
as a young man.
But you gotta understand, you gotta forgive your fathers.
'Cause they human too.
They made mistakes.
They made big mistakes
and some dudes don't know how to come back from the mistake.
But know this though,
they life is in pain without you.
Reach out and go, hey man, this is me now, look here.
Look here.
This what you didn't raise.
But let me tell you who I am though.
Let me introduce myself to you.
I'm a father now, I got two kids.
My kids gonna know me.
They gonna know me because I didn't know you.
But I love you and I forgive you what you did to me.
I just need you to tell me why you did it,
so I can hear your side of the story.
'Cause we men now, you want answers.
You ain't no little kid.
I had to explain to him what happened.
This is what happened, man.
This is the decision I made.
He told me one day he said,
"You know what, Dad, I get it now."
He said, "You ain't belong to us.
You belong to the world."
He said, that's different.
My father belongs to the world.
He said, you ain't just mine.
I wish you was, but you ain't.
He said, but you Uncle Steve to a whole lot of people.
He said, but I'm glad you got me now.
We good, you feel me.
(audience clapping)
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